random relations…the inaugural voyage…

Thanks to David Stern’s affinity for 50% instead of 48%, I found myself watching a mediocre sitcom this week. One of the characters found himself struggling with the internal battle of partaking in meaningless coitus with another female character. This not so great entertainment brought back memories of my first foray into those same non-committed belly smacking waters…

As always, let’s make sure we are on the same page with a creatively worded yet slight vague definition of what makes relations random. The ingredients tend to include: two individuals extremely attracted to each other sometimes unbeknownst to the male + jack daniels + nighttime + some date related activity + jack daniels + no previous knowledge of birthmarks hidden by undergarments + limited conversation to reveal shortcomings/deal breakers + jack daniels…

While I’m not going to divulge how long ago this took place to protect those incriminated, it did happen during my days of needing to check the expiration date of my emergency prophylactic stash because as the always in a relationship guy, I tended to spend my non boo’d time as an avatar alien in my shorts.  Lucky for my loins, those periods of time were usually relatively short…

With that setup, it is time to grab your favorite salty snack for story time…I’ll wait…

if only i knew then what i know now…

greetings ubf siblings and play cousins…i did as many of you did this weekend and finger rolled my little change into the pockets of michael bay and steven spielberg while simultaneously tossing my mannish glances at the pouty lipped rosie huntington-whitey…i mean whiteley…as i exited the theater, 2 distinct thoughts battled for frontal lobe dominance…thought (a)…aka the one that probably won’t relate this post…3d movies really make my head hurt…and the infinitely more important thought…who would’ve figured that some 20+ years after i unwrapped my first transformer to the ever popular toy unwrapping soundtrack of sade’s smooth operator that i would still be out spending my precious allowance on these dudes…err…robots…

more importantly, had i known to not unwrap that toy and just tuck it away with my stash of vintage black tale magazines and those jimmy helmets (that curiosity unwrapped for me), i may’ve been able to extract additional riches from some nostalgic smuck…this may’ve allowed me to purchase a few kernels of buttered hypertension to enjoy during the show…

as has become customary with all of my random thoughts since 6/1/10, i decided to team it up with some of its closest random thought friends to formulate this list of all the important things i would tell my prepubescent self should michael j. fox ever offer up the shotgun seat in his delorean…

really dade county…really…

For most, memorial day weekend is a time of remembering those that have served for this fine country and enjoying the start of summer through cooked meats, cool beverages and family/friend time next to a sizeable body of water. However not all are satisfied with this scenario and strive to do what the kids call ‘being on one’ in a usually highly desirable vacation spot which sounds like an even better time…that is as long as your destination isn’t south beach…

You see for the past decade a mixed bag of hip hop heads, bottle rats, rap enthusiasts, chicken heads, mixtape celebrities, ordinary hoodlums and everything in between have made their way to the streets of Miami for what is officially called ‘urban memorial day weekend’ (aside: urban meaning black people plus those that would have decided not to have slaves if given the opportunity today). Now before you get the wrong idea, keep in mind that even the upstanding folks behind this here blog have left a few air force one foot stamps on the beaches of the 305 during these festivities in past years. Those that haven’t had the chance to partake can just imagine 350,000+ young people converging on washington ave, collins ave and ocean drive…the real life version of mr. flocka’s track ‘it’s a party’…

But as is normally the case and as you have probably heard through your favorite news source (we’ll act like it isn’t twitter for a moment), the actions of a few select ignant members of the group have probably brought the regularly accepted foolishness of this weekend to a screeching halt. As Miami officials begin brainstorming solutions ranging from enforced curfews during this weekend to negro per sq ft limits, it is safe to say next year’s weekend won’t be quite as urban…subsequently placing a premium on next year’s hip hop woodstock (NBA all star weekend) so Orlando you have been warned…

Normally I’d tell you to go to your nearest whiskey holding container and commence lips to spout reps until you feel better about this situation, but today I’m going to skip the ubf preferred method of dealing with problems and instead explain why we (urban folk) might somehow not be missing out going forward…

what’s my name…

Around a year ago, I was tapping away on this very same keyboard trying to convince elrock that calling the blog us, alcohol and mishaps was a good idea. Thanks to that url being unavailable and him convincing me otherwise we ended up with ubf. While good for the blog, it doesn’t mean I can’t still share the stories that led me to consider that less than friendly google search heading. So let’s dive into the memories vault and see what we can come up with…

This story took place a few years ago but I’m pretty sure the message is still mildly entertaining to those not involved. We should start with setting the scene…I fond myself on a business trip to the windy city for an annual celebration of the company’s well doings from the previous year. Said another way, co-workers were converging on the same city to race to see who could provide the others with alcohol induced ridicule worthy material faster (Aside: Now you can see why I love my job). Given your guy’s propensity for good natured competition sponsored by Jack Daniels, I was ready for the good times to show up…

To add to this eventual remorse cocktail, one of my co-workers sent me the following text:

Him: “I have a friend with big boobs that would probably like you. Are you in?”

Me: “In.”

i don’t usually do this but…keep the party going…

on the day after we celebrated the legacy of one of the most transformative figures in american history, i thought it only right that i spend today’s post talking about something totally unrelated…

last week, lolita sent shock waves through the 30+ party crowd as she took on o.p.p….old people partying…and because of this, many of you spent this long weekend tucking your mustard hued steve harvey suits a little deeper into your closet while contemplating a fatal jump off of a combo stack of high school yearbooks and school diplomas…

i ask you sirs, please step away from that cross-coloured high top faded portfolio…all is not lost…as much as we love to lead you to the cliff with our prologues about your problems, we also enjoy snatching you back with some simple solutions…that being said, i’m here today to show you how your party life should evolve…

ubf and 2010 walk into a bar…

2010 through the eyes of elrock…

happy new year from the ubf atl contingent where we’ll be bringing in the new year by watching the peach drop at magic city…

here are the 10 things i’ve learned in 2010…in the order that they will be read on the day of the rapture…

1 – he doesn’t not like you…and we don’t not like grammar…

“most guys you are dating slot you into one of three categories: 1) He likes you; 2) He doesn’t like you; 3) He doesn’t not like you. The first two are fairly easy to recognize…Determining whether you are in the last category can be confusing (to you, not us).”

2 – a lot of women still confuse acting like you want sex with acting like you want a relationship…

top post 2010 #1…the enemy within…

*****And at the top spot we have elrock with the post that sparked the most debate ever seen in our comments thread. We also learned that the ladies aren’t in agreement on this one. Enjoy.*****

men are dogs…and we are destined to go through life screwing up any and all good that ever comes our way…we never know a good thing when we have it…yada yada yada… well…i have some late breaking news…it appears that while we’re racing through this life, consistently coloring outside the lines, it’s some of you that are actually supplying the crayolas…while ubf was out in these streets trying to eradicate infidelity wherever it occurred, some of you ladies have been doing your very best to thwart these efforts…i am looking at you well informed mistresses…those of you out there purposely wiping your back sweat on sheets washed by unsuspecting girlfriends and wives…you should be ashamed of yourselves…leading us to believe that these homes were out here wrecking themselves…

top post 2010 #2…play your position…

*****We find ourselves at the #2 spot today with our first ever guest post from mboogie. Evidently everyone liked it. The question now is will she be back in 2011.*****

Today I want to break away from the insight that elrock and onetrik share and offer some dating advice from a woman’s perspective. An unfortunate situation a few weeks ago in the City of Angels got me thinking that I might need to start handing out red in-violation cards to those men who break the rules of the holleration game. While I understand that some rules are up for debate, I think there is a holy grail of dos/donts of hollering, and ‘never hover’ is definitely on that list.

So there I was, partying in the tradition of Big Meech or Larry Hoover © Rick Rawse with a drink in hand and a nice looking guy approaches me. I quickly give him a once-over: dude checks in around 5’11, decent build, nice kicks, friendly smile. I figure homie is worth chatting with…  I couldn’t have been more wrong. We chat Jamaica (10 bonus points), LA, job, travel (5 bonus points) for about 7 minutes. He asks and I provide my cell phone number so we can continue the conversation. At that point…any reasonable man would smile, say something sweet or funny, and depart and leave me with my friends…leaving me to wonder about what he said and excited about a possible follow-up meeting.

top 2010 post #3…hello…the endangered greeting…

*****As we continue down memories lane of 2010’s top post, we go all activist on #3 in the honor of a lost word. Make sure you check back Friday for ubf’s take on what we learned in 2010.*****

Last weekend, I came to the realization that “hello” may be the latest victim of becoming extinct. No seriously. We need to get a hold of the greetings equivalent of PETA. Petitions need to be signed. Sit-ins planned. The time is now for us to stand up on behalf of all those “hellos” lost to never be seen again…

Ok off of my soapbox for a second to explain the condition I’m referring to. While sitting in a restaurant with the homie morningjoi, we witnessed a young gentleman approach a table of 4 women next to us. While this is not suprising as the table featured a beautiful collection of young ladies, the surprise was his tactic of choice used to garner attention that would hopefully lead to coitous.

top 2010 post #4…say bye bye…

*****As we bring the 2010 year to a close, ubf is taking a moment to highlight our top posts from the year for those that may have missed a rant or two. In addition, be sure to check back on Friday for our joint post for the 2010 year.*****

Ok kids, I have a confession. I’m single-ish. What does that mean? It means that I’m never really single.  I always have 2 or 3 or 5 men on deck. I like to refer to my “Team” in football terms. Quarterback. First string. Bench warmer.  This weekend I was reminded why every woman should keep a few second string/bench warmers on deck. My QB was acting a damn fool.

Onetrik & I have been having a healthy debate on which city is better (LA or NY) and given my proclivity for lining up dates like a stack of dominoes, I’m inclined to think I’m winning. You see, he has dates. But he also has the check at the end of the night. He meets girls at the club. But he also is financing the bottle service. He’s a single man with a career, marginally good looks and a fun personality.  That makes him  one out of hundreds in Los Angeles. I’m an attractive single woman without a muffin top, decent size t & a, a career, a house no roommates, a car, can cook and likes “variety” in her sexy times. That makes me one out of thousands in New York.  I’m winning. But I digress.  My point is- Ladies, We Have Options.