why i drink…9/30…

summer is done and so are most of our vacation days…instead of adding layers we like to spend more time with the bottle and here are a few excuses…we mean reasons for indulging in the questionable life choices juice…

+ pulling up behind driver with what seemed to be amazing and long hair to realize it is a dude and having to instantly change my holla eyes into needing directions eyes…

+ not only did someone make a ‘is my son gay’ app but someone actually paid to download it…

+ a week away from running 13.1 miles while a stranger holds a stop watch and onlookers (not running) hold up signs with mildly humorous one liners for inspiration… Read more of this post

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why i drink fridays…9/16…

 welcome to the weekend because if you are reading this then you’ve already mentally checked out of your job…the ubf crew decided that since elrock finally rejoined the work force and onetrik has yet to win a paternity test, we should celebrate by bringing back #whyidrink fridays…feel free to pile on your adds in the comments section but in the meantime let’s get started with what has us drinking this weekend…

+ found a surprise drinking buddy when fall showed up unannounced and quite frankly unappreciated in nyc today…

+on payday i like to take my check straight to the liquor store, ever bottle purchased is a worthwhile investment some future bad idea/tweet…

+ i need something to pour out when my phone dies…again…come on iPhone 5… Read more of this post

beware of the singletons…

Summertime in New York is great for socializing, drinks rooftop bbqs and of course, new friendships. One of the greatest things about this city is that there are so many untapped reservoirs for us, bottles and friends. I pride myself on two core characteristics as a woman in new ‘we’ve decided not to hate each other even though we both might be considered attractive’ zonage.  The first being that I am extremely friendly- almost unnaturally so. The second is that I try not to be what I hatefully refer to as the “We We Chic”. I.e., that chic that every other word, sentence, phrase, breath or thought of speaking starts with “We” in order to let the world know that she isn’t one of those single girls.

Since “We” was just “Me” for a good portion of my life, I know how insensitive it can be to force my significant other on every girl I meet when maybe she’s just looking for a new female friend. Unfortunately, in my quest to be a good potential homette, I missed one of the cardinal rules of new female friendships: Be an adequate wingwoman. Read more of this post

A tale of 3 cities: the New York state of mind…

When I first started writing the softer side of UBF, I jokingly teased onetrik about taking his stories to arguably the greatest city in the world, New York. His response was something about the weather in LA and how it makes his skin glisten the right way, the overdone video vixens  and faux ‘model chics’ beautiful women (because it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not so long as it’s not too obvious) and of course, the fact that he was one of the dudes who actually bought his whip instead of renting a Bentley for the weekend in order to procure said model chics. And if I can be honest with you, all of his reasonings seemed…well…(Insert BBM Yawny face).

As a proud ex-LA resident, I can attest that the weather is great. But since I am not homeless and don’t live outside, I’m not sure if that’s enough to carry the entire city into greatness. Because really, nothing compares to the coastest with the mostest. The Big East! And while my baby hails from the dirty South, it’s important to note: He don’t live there no more. In the tale of 3 cities, if New York is the wifey, LA is definitely the Side Chic. And no offense to elrock, but the South is probably more along the realm of the One Night Stand… Read more of this post

excuse me miss…

There is an old sorority hazing chant saying that goes, “Excuses are the tools of the weak and incompetent, used to build monuments of nothing…” And yet, I find myself today weeding through a boat load of those very IKEA quality wording wrenches in order to get to “The Truth”.  I’m writing this for a few of my girlfriends.  I’ve heard some discouraging tales of the excuses men use to get out of commitments.  There was the dreaded lost wallet , the tried and true “stuck in customs and missed my flight”  and of course, the fail-safe “I got lost”. (And those were this week alone. I’m writing this on a Monday).

Now, whether or not the ladies on the receiving end of  the obvious bullsh*t lies being purported choose to believe is up to them. Me? I don’t believe much of anything anyone tells me, anyway. But even if I did, the caliber of excuses given leaves much to be desired and are, therefore, difficult for ANY of us to digest. Read more of this post

the game of cat and mouse…

Due to an unfortunate change in circumstances, I am taking a moment on UBF to be completely honest and sans regular snark for one posting so don’t get used to it. Apologies- I’m not a fan of the change in venue either.  Sooooo, I have this feeling.  A pain in my head, slightly nauseous, throw the  covers back over my head except that I can’t fall back asleep nagging feeling. An annoyance that something isn’t quite right, eating isn’t as much fun and drinking doesn’t make it go away kind of feeling. An unfortunate lack of control that makes me know that by the end of the night, I think I’m going to be sick.  I like someone.

Let’s not get it twisted- it’s not that I disliked those other guys.  I definitely did not. I liked the idea of a few, the companionship of others, the sexy times of at least one, the laughs I got with many, the friendship I had with all. But the one constant in all of my relationships has been simple: I was always in control of at least one of us. Read more of this post

hating is an option…

Hi hater. Yes- this goes out to you…you…you…all of you. There is no delicate way of putting this. Ladies…we need to tone it down. If you say you aren’t a hater, you are probably Lying fooling yourself. The hate gene was born in us & takes a concerted effort to kill it. I may get a million comments saying “I don’t hate, I congratulate”…but trust me, from my experience, that’s a lie of mass proportions.  I’m not saying you do it on purpose. But if I accidentally run over your foot, does it really matter? You are still maimed for life- accident or not.

A few months ago I had the misfortune of meeting up with one of my guy friends (yes really, just friends) at a lounge for one of his ex jump off’s paramour’s birthdays. So it’s a Friday, I was freshly out of a serious relationship situation and thought I was cute with my tight dress and cat eyes. Apparently that was a problem.  Before I can even say “Happy Birthday B*tch”, she’s calling me names- “Spandex Dress, Rat faced B*tch, Weaved out, Yellow Ho, Mixed Breed Mongral”…the list goes on. We had yet to even receive a proper introduction. You see, my entrance with her ex benefits buddy seemed to cause cat women to bear her claws.  Under normal circumstances, she may not have been a hater. But when faced with the possibility of me slothing her sloppy seconds (which would NEVER have happened for a variety of reasons saved for a later post), the meow mix came out and the hateration appeared.

Ladies- we all have a little hater in us…including me. Embrace it, admit it and CONTROL IT! I’ve compiled one more list of how you know you are a hater. Read more of this post

it’s a celebration…eh…

This past weekend found the good fellows of ubf not only celebrating the lack of labor but also the pending transition of one of our own from us to them…them being those lucky people able to find a person they are willing to share a DVR with for the rest of their happily ever tv-viewing life. Needless to say, a true match made in heaven.

As is tradition with a passage of this sort, we collected the crew of distinguished gentlemen together for one last bachelor gathering in his honor. Given the epic proportions of this particular bachelor loss, the festivities could not be handled domestically. So passports in tow, we headed north to the “City of Mary” aka Montreal.

Fast forward 96 hours.

I just touched down back on the west side yesterday and I’m still unable to actually form complete thoughts thanks to the successful celebrations. So today’s post will simply be a recap of everything I (or other attendees) learned this past weekend. The following has been generalized in order to protect the identity of those involved except for the cases where it was funny: Read more of this post

why i drink fridays…8/6…

the ubf crew just slid into another friday and we’re glad that you decided to join us on this side of the work week…i just snapped the cap onto my sippy cup and now i’m slowly reclining into the weekend…what has us drinking this weekend…thought you’d never ask…

– finally reached 10,000 hits…the ubf family is growing…

– i drink more efficiently after i’ve been drinking already…

– my bad ideas have to be “watered” to turn them into full fledged bad actions… Read more of this post

why i drink fridays…7/30…

welcome to the weekend ubf’ers…this concludes another week of learning so it’s only right that we now get our lean on…here are a few things that we’ll be thinking about as we reach for our solo cups this evening…

+ to help channel my inner Paula Abdul for my new role replacing Ellen on American Idol…

+ to avoid arthritis in these knees preparing for my next half marathon…

+ it’s always the first step in drunk dialing… Read more of this post