…it’s football season…shut up…

dear wifey, live in girlfriend, live out girlfriend, chick i’m kinda seeing, chick i plan to meet between now and February,

i’m drafting this letter as a friendly reminder that in about a week’s time, football season will again be upon us. i thought this might be the proper time to reacquaint you with the rules of football season; some “do’s and don’ts” (but mostly don’ts) if you will. first of all, i want you to know how much i really care about you and how i love your new haircut, your new chest hair removal system and that dress you’re going to ask me about. there, that should answer every question you plan to ask me during the several games i plan on watching over the next 5 months. you see, football time is sacred…borderline religious and any attempt to interrupt the watching of it is akin to blasphemy. with that said, as long as the game is on, i don’t care if you have a headache, how cute number 89 is, what that bitch at work had the nerve to say/do, that you’re pregnant, that it’s not mine or that i don’t pay attention to you. you had all summer to tell me how i was screwing up our relationship. i didn’t listen to you then so what makes you think i’ll hear you now?

i should probably clear up a few more misconceptions. yes i can watch 5 games at one time. i will remember how my td’s l.t. had and not remember our wedding anniversary. one of those is going to make me money. the other, i’m still paying for. if you are able to wrestle me away from the television (which i wouldn’t even try) to attend some poorly planned wedding or baby shower don’t ask me if i’m having a good time because i am not. i will most likely be in some corner pressing buttons on my iphone. don’t worry. i’m not sending text messages to some floozy. i’m making sure the cowboys are covering the spread. if i get a whiff of a tv i will be drawn to it like rich black men to white chicks. but i will be easy to locate when it’s time to go home and get busy…cuz yeah…you owe me big for this one.

please don’t take this the wrong way. it’s not that i don’t love you. i just love football more…a lot more actually. but only because it’s been around longer and it never gets mad when i poot between the sheets. i understand if you decide to leave me. just know that i probably won’t notice until late January; that dead week between the conference championship games and the superbowl. and i probably won’t make a play to get you back until halftime of the pro bowl. it’s not nearly as exciting as the nba all star game which takes place the next weekend. oooh. so yeah, i probably won’t be coming after you until around march madness…dang…so maybe april; assuming i still remember your name…and i haven’t met another chick that actually likes football. those are my favorites.

why are you crying? no. i really do care for you. to prove it, i wrote you this poem.
roses are red
violets are blue
that boy darren mcfadden
is gonna be one bad dude…
so yeah, i look forward to staring at you blankly for the next few days. but after that……
sincerely yours,

the avid football fan