ubf and 2010 walk into a bar…

2010 through the eyes of elrock…

happy new year from the ubf atl contingent where we’ll be bringing in the new year by watching the peach drop at magic city

here are the 10 things i’ve learned in 2010…in the order that they will be read on the day of the rapture…

1 – he doesn’t not like you…and we don’t not like grammar…

“most guys you are dating slot you into one of three categories: 1) He likes you; 2) He doesn’t like you; 3) He doesn’t not like you. The first two are fairly easy to recognize…Determining whether you are in the last category can be confusing (to you, not us).”

2 – a lot of women still confuse acting like you want sex with acting like you want a relationship…

3 – why are homies > homiettes

“10) Homies never start a conversation with “Can I ask you a question?” Homiettes do and the answer is no.”

4 – how does it feel…umm…apparently not as good as she told me…

“1) Yes, your girl fakes it.  2) Your jump offs do, too. 3) This doesn’t necessarily mean you are bad (although you might be) .”

5 – laphroaig will make you late for aa meetings…

6 – inside the men’s locker room…mars and venus just got a little closer…

“Apparently, while we are in the ladies room putting on makeup and discussing our relationships, Men are in front of a urinal talking about sports. A man’s team is the equivalent of a woman’s man.”

7 – eddie long…going both ways…anabolic holy water is real…

“i buy the “nobody is perfect” argument however, i feel that if you’re getting nba money to teach other people how to get closer to perfection then you better be able to pull off a religious lay-up…”

8 – apparently the male ego is weak, yet the woman’s desire to protect it is much stronger…

9 – bottle rats…this life we live comes with its own set of hazards…

“Even if you are frequent couch stander, seeing your libations being siphoned off by a random BR can be alarming and good-time killing.”

10 – average joe prenup…because kanye said we needed one…

“In the event of marriage, I plan on marrying up such that any divorce finds my mailbox converted into an alimony receiving machine…”

stay tuned to 2011 as we hit you with topics such as…

– how un-matching underwear sets never stopped a sexual encounter…

– how life on the down-low is slowly transitioning to plain ole gay…who knew…

– why your number of previous partners is already way too high…

elrock…me and 2010 didn’t really get along that well anyway…

the miseducation of lolita

I find as I get older I learn less and less- So trying to come up with a succinct list of Lolita’s 2010 miseducation to pass onto the wonderful readers of UBF was like trying to get elrock to settle down nearly impossble. Yet, after 3 drinks some thought, I was able to compile some things that were able to penetrate my almost full grey matter before the ball drops, I brain dump and have to start all over again next year…

1 – We all have an inner stalker hiding somewhere so it may be best to save the facebook adding for AFTER you can update that elusive “in a relationship” status and save yourself some crazy points.

2- Men will still say anything to get sex. This hasn’t changed since high school. I’m not sure why ladies keep thinking that just because we are constantly ‘evolving’ they will too…But they aren’t and they won’t. Just thought I’d share that…

3 – Almost every guy we meet at the club is a loser…er I mean losing, yet apparently, some of yall are still taking one home and then wondering where that baby came from

4 – I’ve discovered more pseudonyms for sexy times and Banana Olympics than I ever deemed possible and plan on furthering this education in 2011.

5 – The good ol’ bait & switch “two can play at that game” also known as ‘Gotcha!’ is something that I’m not allowed to talk about because I probably aired the dirty laundry of in deference to the 1% of ladies who allegedly take “the high road”.

6 – Between Nike and Sports, most of us don’t stand a chance anyway…so it’s important to have your own “Team” to follow. And I don’t mean the fantasy kind.

7 – I’ve learned that QB & ‘My Man’ can be synonymous. Then again…McNabb was the QB of the Eagles once upon a time…but he’s not anymore. If I recall correctly, they snuck Vick in right under his nose- with McNabb’s blessing, in fact. And now there’s a new QB in town…Meanwhile, McNabb’s current QB status with the Redskins will be past tense in about 5, 4, 3, 2…So yeah…maybe not…

8 – It turns out, the reason why my relationship with onetrik is so rocky is because of the distance. Good thing he’s moving to more down to earth pastures in 2011…

9 – Sometimes it pays to have a big mouth to be outspoken. You can’t get what you want if you never ask for it.

10 – And finally- something I learned from my Mama: Ladies should never take relationship advice from another single woman. Would you take marriage advice from a divorcee? Financial tips from someone whose filing chapter 11? Sure- they could provide some valuable insight on what NOT to do. But in the end, isn’t that type of advice better served from someone who is still winning?

…all good things must come to an end. Sayonara 2010…*chuckin up my deuces*… lolita

what onetrik peeped in 2010…

As we prepare to enter 2011 with a heartfelt ‘break yo self’, I wanted to take a few moments to gather a few of the small morsels of knowledge I picked up during the previous 24 pay checks. So here are my 10 things you can pawn off as your own at your new year’s eve party…

1 – despite the musings of the great prophet jay-z, 30 is actually not the new 20 but instead the old 30 that leaves you with more soreness than ben gay can solve and less memory of those things not captured online…

2 – speaking of jigga man…this waiting on him and beyonce to discover irreconcilable differences is sure taking longer than my horoscope said it would…let’s give it another year…

3 – the ‘I didn’t know’ excuse works for NCAA committees but not for that girl who thought you were exclusive…

4 – if you are going to ruin your marriage for cheating then you should probably go ahead and do it because no 140 character text message is worth that (*looks at tony parker*)…unless you are brett favre…

5 – matt lauer hates black people…ok maybe not but kanye sure did make a hell of an album…

6 – any beef started on twitter should be decided via a heated game of hopscotch and then ustream’d…

7 – evidently contrary to what elrock and I would have you believe there are some fellows out there that are more butt cheek than @sshole and the ladies are tired of it…let’s try to fix this in the new year gents…

8 – staying in an unhappy marriage may not get you the coveted household mama dukes and nem told you about but it can get you a reality TV show…thanks VH1 and Bravo…

9 – meanwhile celebrities don’t have to pay taxes…until the irs decides the celebrity meter has run out and then comes for their money…

10 – the more options I’m given to talk to people (google talk, skype, facetime, etc.) the less likely I am to actually talk to anyone…my apologies and I’ll try to do better in the new year…

With all of that out of the way, bring on 1.1.11…and the ridiculousness that will be detailed here for your enjoyment and heckling.

onetrik…looking for a resolution I can borrow and not achieve…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

2 Responses to ubf and 2010 walk into a bar…

  1. Marcie says:

    Looking 4ward 2 2011 & the upcoming blogs as well…. Feeling good; feeling great; how bout you?!

    Enjoy. Happy New Year.

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