what’s my name…

Around a year ago, I was tapping away on this very same keyboard trying to convince elrock that calling the blog us, alcohol and mishaps was a good idea. Thanks to that url being unavailable and him convincing me otherwise we ended up with ubf. While good for the blog, it doesn’t mean I can’t still share the stories that led me to consider that less than friendly google search heading. So let’s dive into the memories vault and see what we can come up with…

This story took place a few years ago but I’m pretty sure the message is still mildly entertaining to those not involved. We should start with setting the scene…I fond myself on a business trip to the windy city for an annual celebration of the company’s well doings from the previous year. Said another way, co-workers were converging on the same city to race to see who could provide the others with alcohol induced ridicule worthy material faster (Aside: Now you can see why I love my job). Given your guy’s propensity for good natured competition sponsored by Jack Daniels, I was ready for the good times to show up…

To add to this eventual remorse cocktail, one of my co-workers sent me the following text:

Him: “I have a friend with big boobs that would probably like you. Are you in?”

Me: “In.”

After this amazingly timed match was made and contact information was shared, we began conversing. It turns out that her celebration earlier in the day had gone a little hard and she was know recovering at home with no intentions of leaving before the sun made another lap. Seeing that as not a realistic option, I began operation charm school. Fast forward 4 text messages and a phone call and she was getting dressed and headed to meet my group at the next bar we were in route to…

Upon her arrival I was able to confirm the scouting report. She did in fact pack a rather hefty pair of mammary gland holders and all signs were pointing towards her being an active member of team onetrik. Following a few rounds of drinks, nothing makes more sense than a dance competition right? As the competition was an internal battle, we made our new friend the honorary judge, which means yours truly was playing with an extreme case of home court advantage. No matter how convincing the shimmy of the first contestant was or how impressive the b boy stance of the second turned out to be, I had this in the bag as long as I included some judge groping in my set. So after being announced champion and making a few victory laps around the establishment, I was set to claim my prize from the judge…a little tlc…and we aren’t talking about the channel…

As the group decided to check out a few more bars, the awkward face molestation going on between my new friend and I let us know that we’d soon be breaking away from the pack. We mustered a few half hearted good-byes and agreed the next destination should allow for some horizontal getting to know. Comfortably seated in a cab headed for my hotel, I realized that I was likely to lose the ridicule contest with this early exit but the consolation prize wasn’t looking too bad at that moment…

Upon arriving at our destination, she decides to hit me with a question that would prove impossible to answer despite its simple nature. She asks me to confirm for her that I in fact know her name. Seems like a low hurdle to clear right? Well friends you see there is a short list of things I do well while intoxicated: A) remember my place of residence for the evening; B) play craps; C) holler; D) order more drinks. As you can see remembering names isn’t on the list and unfortunately for me I had a better chance guessing her wifi password at this point. I had not a clue in the world what this female’s (who I coincidently spent the last hour or so open mouth kissing in public) name was. To complicate the matter, my phone was dead so I couldn’t even call a friend and there was no longer a studio audience to poll…

No worries though as my inebriated alter ego was feeling lucky and decided to start guessing random names that happened to pop in my head. As you sober readers can imagine, that only made the situation worse. She informs me that not only will there not be any horizontal romping but she is going to stay in the cab until it reaches her residence while I think about what I just messed up…

Assuming that this was an embarrassing moment shared by her, me and our nosey cab driver, I blamed it on the alcohol and began spinning stories of what she was going to miss out on in my head. However once I reached my phone charger, I was made aware that she had shared this example of my poor memory with my co-worker who was now sharing it with the rest of our colleagues…

And just like that I was back in the lead for the ridicule contest without even being present…

onetrik…jamie foxx didn’t mention this in the song…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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