2011 resolutions…

a few nights ago wegot completely wasted and drunk dialed/texted everyone we want to sleep with in
2011 then prank called all the people that pissed us off in 2010 toasted and celebrated the introduction of a new deck of days…i don’t know about you, but i love this time of year…the time when people admit that they’ve pretty effed up for the last 337 days (or however long it’s been since the last list of resolutions expired)…but now we get to reset…all we need is a stroke of midnight on december 31st mixed with some champagne and stranger saliva from someone you just met at church a kiss from your new year’s eve party boo to give us that do-over that we will most certainly screw up again so rightfully deserve…

so prepare yourselves for a lull in fornication as vows of celibacy kick in along with a spike in folks waiting in line for a treadmill at the gym to work off those extra sexual frustrations pounds…

what the sports world can teach us about breakups…

welcome back ubf’ers…hopefully the thanksgiving holiday/black friday combo has your bellies full and your wallets as empty as mine…but a word of caution to those expecting gifts…my wallet was empty way before the target trampling started…as most of you know, when i’m not out drinking and making bad life decisions counseling our followers on all the ills beauties of meaningful male/female relationships, i am glued to my 52 inch picture machine watching andre johnson doing his best ike turner impression on cortland finnegan’s helmetless head skilled athletes perform in games of skill and endurance…one can learn a great deal from the challenges these athletes face from game to game but today the pessimist in me wants to focus on what happens when happy endings are aborted (and subsequent tips withheld) and things don’t go according to plan…here are some nuggets we can take away from sport’s messiest break-ups…

nfl…we’ve missed you so…

i love summer but i hate summertime sportscenter, but with labor day peering at me through my rear windshield, i knew that it was only a matter of time before stuart scott would once again be discussing sports stories i cared about…then it happened…i was awakened this morning by words that made my attention stand at err…attention…it’s time…the nfl season starts tonight…this must be what love feels like…

i mean…baseball is cool if you like watching grown men in pajamas chew sunflower seeds and michael jackson their man handles for 3 hours…don’t get me wrong…throwing a 98 mph fastball is a credible athletic feat…but i would be more impressed if the pitcher had to deliver that 98mph fast ball to a catcher that was running at full speed while there was a 307 lb guy on 1^st base who decided to charge him instead of heading over to 2^nd…maybe that’s just me…but i probably would watch it if they brought steroids back…

but enough baseball bashing…because that’s not what i’m here for…it’s football season…time for:

– sundays full of couch hunching and remote fondling…

– me to lead my fantasy football league in ish talking…and nothing else…