if only i knew then what i know now…

greetings ubf siblings and play cousins…i did as many of you did this weekend and finger rolled my little change into the pockets of michael bay and steven spielberg while simultaneously tossing my mannish glances at the pouty lipped rosie huntington-whitey…i mean whiteley…as i exited the theater, 2 distinct thoughts battled for frontal lobe dominance…thought (a)…aka the one that probably won’t relate this post…3d movies really make my head hurt…and the infinitely more important thought…who would’ve figured that some 20+ years after i unwrapped my first transformer to the ever popular toy unwrapping soundtrack of sade’s smooth operator that i would still be out spending my precious allowance on these dudes…err…robots…

more importantly, had i known to not unwrap that toy and just tuck it away with my stash of vintage black tale magazines and those jimmy helmets (that curiosity unwrapped for me), i may’ve been able to extract additional riches from some nostalgic smuck…this may’ve allowed me to purchase a few kernels of buttered hypertension to enjoy during the show…

as has become customary with all of my random thoughts since 6/1/10, i decided to team it up with some of its closest random thought friends to formulate this list of all the important things i would tell my prepubescent self should michael j. fox ever offer up the shotgun seat in his delorean…

aggressively dapping your manhood is really not as bad as everybody is making it out to be…the older cats on the block are selling it to you as any real pimps enemy…you will eventually find out, it’s any sane man’s best friend…and unlike regular sex, everybody is really doing this… and yes the real thing is as good as advertised, but it can become somewhat redundant and comes with hella-complications…

your high school “wish you would’ve” list turns into a list of extremely fertile dodged bullets once you hit the other side of 25…what happens to a dream deferred…they have 3 kids before you get to shake hands with famu’s dean…

one day this dude mark zuckerberg will make it possible for you to keep up with all of the “ones that got away”…except raven greene…unfortunately this also means that some of the ones that you so effectively dodged for years will magically appear in your email inbox one day…what’s email…it’s the reason you can no longer write in cursive…

if you think you’re lazy now…just wait until on demand and netflix eliminate blockbuster runs and ps3 and xbox360 make it so that even at the ripe old age of 34 you can still get virtually shot in the face by some foul mouthed adolescent in sioux falls south dakota…yay you…

make a sex tape with rudy huxtable…tv producers get lazy as well and this could be your ticket to you and a house full of former strippers would be mrs. elrocks vying for your affection for an entire fall season…and if you don’t pick one (which we all know you won’t), you get to do it again…

stay away from catholic priest and baptist ministers…just trust me on this one…

you can kill your daughter or your wife but don’t hurt any dogs or accidentally shoot yourself…yeah…i can’t really explain this one…

your engineering career will earn you a respectably solid career…but there will be no groupies…i repeat…absolutely no groupies…

ahh…that felt good…no it really did…so good that you should give it a try…go ahead ubf, give your younger selves some heads up…

elrock…collecting regrets since 1977…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

One Response to if only i knew then what i know now…

  1. Sami says:

    “you can kill your daughter or your wife but don’t hurt any dogs or accidentally shoot yourself…yeah…i can’t really explain this one…” <— "This be the realest [ish] you ever wrote" © 2Pac. Nothing more really needs to be said on that situation, it is really unexplainable.

    side bar: shouts to my hero Plaxico… heroic for no real reason, other than that I love to hate that I love his name. :p But really, I hope he can regain career success much like Mike Vick has done.

    As far as what I'd tell my younger self… *sigh* My fingers hurt just thinking about how much I'd have to type to get all those random thoughts down. Cain't e'en do it… though this post did make me think. Great one, as usual – ubf never disappoints.

    Lastly, question: is the every other day post gonna continue? I miss my daily ubf reads!

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