first date…7 or 11…

First dates are like craps. Don’t believe me? Think about it:

+ You roll the dice to determine your outcome while you don’t really understand all the rules of the game

+ You continue to order drinks hoping things will go well

+ Everyone involved is pulling for the table

+ At the end of the night, you’ll be out of lots of money with nothing to show for it

That is unless you are lucky. Or just have an amazing pre-screening questionnaire (Do you suck at first dates? Check Yes or No).

But I must admit my questionnaire lets me down at times and leaves me with the occasional first date #fail. Upside is you get to read about it here. Downside is I’ve just wasted a 2 for 1 dinner coupon at Sizzler. Read more of this post

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play your position…

***** please allow us to welcome our first guest contributor, the homie mboogie,  to UBF *****

Today I want to break away from the insight that elrock and onetrik share and offer some dating advice from a woman’s perspective. An unfortunate situation a few weeks ago in the City of Angels got me thinking that I might need to start handing out red in-violation cards to those men who break the rules of the holleration game. While I understand that some rules are up for debate, I think there is a holy grail of dos/donts of hollering, and ‘never hover’ is definitely on that list.

So there I was, partying in the tradition of Big Meech or Larry Hoover © Rick Rawse with a drink in hand and a nice looking guy approaches me. I quickly give him a once-over: dude checks in around 5’11, decent build, nice kicks, friendly smile. I figure homie is worth chatting with…  I couldn’t have been more wrong. We chat Jamaica (10 bonus points), LA, job, travel (5 bonus points) for about 7 minutes. He asks and I provide my cell phone number so we can continue the conversation. At that point…any reasonable man would smile, say something sweet or funny, and depart and leave me with my friends…leaving me to wonder about what he said and excited about a possible follow-up meeting. Read more of this post

2010 bet awards…

my summer home doesn’t have hbo so my viewing options were somewhat limited on a sunday night…it also currently doesn’t have ac (a situation that will be remedied wednesday if baby jesus loves me at all) but that also lends itself to  activities that require very little movement…and watching the bet awards filled that need…of course the little uppity voice in my head reminded me that i have arrived therefore i can only watch 72 minutes of bet a year and i must spend at least half of that complaining about their programming…but…when it’s 90 degrees INSIDE you tend to use all of your complain muscles on that topic which left me watching this year’s award show with a pretty open mind…and now i’d like to share some of my thoughts and pretend like you care…

queen latifah makes me happy…she’s like you favorite lesbian aunt…but you never call her that because you’re 9 and you don’t know what lesbian means…but every time she shows up i smile a little…

everybody always hates on drakes stage performances but i really don’t know what else non dancing rappers are suppose to do besides bounce and walk side to side waving their hands like they’re in a rapid child petting contest…”you say you like it like that/ i think i like it too/ half a million in a week/ it’s only right i do”…i kinda mess with that… Read more of this post

hello…the endangered greeting…

Last weekend, I came to the realization that “hello” may be the latest victim of becoming extinct. No seriously. We need to get a hold of the greetings equivalent of PETA. Petitions need to be signed. Sit-ins planned. The time is now for us to stand up on behalf of all those “hellos” lost to never be seen again…

Ok off of my soapbox for a second to explain the condition I’m referring to. While sitting in a restaurant with the homie morningjoi, we witnessed a young gentleman approach a table of 4 women next to us. While this is not suprising as the table featured a beautiful collection of young ladies, the surprise was his tactic of choice used to garner attention that would hopefully lead to coitous. Read more of this post

why i drink 6/25…

welcome back ubf fam…the virtual happy hour has descended upon you once again…just lay back and let those libations wash away work time blues…what has us drinking this week…well i thought you’d never ask…

– week 4…paycheck #2…

– my summer pad doesn’t have ac…the fan cools my body…the cup content cools my soul

– that last minute u.s. goal made me spill my first drink…

– i didn’t see her cold sore until the next morning…it’s about suppression… Read more of this post

to play or not to play…

No not that kind of playing. I’ll save that for another day and another time.

Instead I’m talking about every man’s (digital) mistress…video games.

For starters if your man (or the man you want to be your man) doesn’t play any sort of video games, you should immediately ask him why not. If he is 40+, his answer will make sense regardless of what he says because he is old(er) (and if you yourself are not old, congrats on dodging the bullet on this topic). If he is under 40, his answer does not make any sense regardless of what he says (sidenote: there are a few questions like this that the reason doesn’t matter such as “why don’t you own nan pair of sneakers?”).

Now assuming your man is indeed open to picking up the ‘stiqs from time to time, this past week was a very important week for determining how he will be spending his upcoming fall. The leading gaming companies gathered in Los Angeles for the annual E3 conference (where the latest and greatest in video games was announced). My day job got me a front row seat for all the goings on. Unfortunately thanks to those announcements, you will not only be competing with football this fall but a large amount of gaming goodness as well. Read more of this post

your favorite dj’s favorite dj…

floor accepted my dude (please read the link first for this post to make any sense)…leave it to drake to have these ladies thinking that a mani/pedi/beauty shop combo even gets you tickets to the big game…and if you take an inordinate amount of time getting ready, you better come out looking better than anybody i could’ve met at the spot an hour ago when i was ready…i have yet to see somebody pull that one off…i can never knock that gym thing though…so, although drake and his glow in the dark homies gave a few possible winning attributes, the song still left me with 1/5th of a lady friend…so onetrik was right…no way i could sum up ms. rock in one song…i’d need a whole mixtape…or at least a few choice lines…now where to start…oh yeah…

”i like a long haired thick red bone” like weezy but i’ll only eat the steak if it’s properly prepared…

but then again…i also really like that “brown skin lady” that black star talked about… Read more of this post

fancy please…

“You fancy huh? You fancy huh? You fancy huh?”

If so, please step to the front of the line.

Like it or not, Drake’s new album (officially) hit the stores last week. While hip hop’s newest wonderkid has received reviews ranging from “the most important and innovative new figure in hip-hop” all the way down to “C-list rapper,” I’m here to say I really don’t care. I’m not even good at musical chairs so I doubt my opinion on whether or not Drake’s art work lives up to the hype is of any matter to anyone out there.

However, I will say that one song stuck out to me as it put to music what I’ve grown accustomed to looking for in my mayor of boonopolis. In collaboration with T.I. and Swizz Beatz (sidenote: The eventual video will most definitely be shot in a dark club given the low levels of melanin featured in this collabo), Drake’s Fancy serves as a survey for potential Ms. OneTriks. Read more of this post

happy father’s day?

so as most of you know…yesterday was father’s day…don’t know how the rest of you missed out but one of the missions of ubf is to keep our people informed…i spent some time in the city looking for work clothes…because i work now…and at every stop, polite cashiers and sales people would ask me if i did anything special for father’s day…as if walking through nordstom’s rack wasn’t special enough…those that know me, know why i usually don’t make special plans for this particular holiday(r.i.p. to the big homie)…these folks obviously weren’t in the know and i decided not to get my billy buzzkill on…so i usually replied with  “i’m buying this shirt so i can meet someone special and if i play my cards right…i’ll be getting my own ugly tie next year”…or something like that…on a quick sweep through cole haan i was having a similar exchange with a young lady who told me she was only getting her dad a shirt because he really hadn’t been that much of a father to her…so i immediately started wondering how many other “fathers” were getting gifts they hadn’t really earned… Read more of this post

poolside manners…

As the official start of summer hits this upcoming week, the likelihood of spending days poolside increases no matter where you live (even those of you in Cincinnati). This is a great thing for a number of reasons: 1) Starting the party while the sun is still out will not only tire out that “friend” that likes to stay in the spot until 45 min past when all the cute girls are in bed but also allow you to get up the next day in time to see the sun again; 2) Consumptions of alcohol during the day is scientifically proven to be better for your bank account, liver and plantar fasciitis; 3) You can finally show off that hard time spent (or lack of time spent for those procrastinators out there) in the gym; 4) Spending time in the sun encourages the ladies to wear their finest (aka slimmest…minimal…revealing…covering nary-a-thing) wears.

Speaking of wears, fellas we need to talk.

As I witnessed yesterday, not all of us were given the same guidelines for pool party attire. I understand the confusion as it is slightly more involved than a day party but not quite the same as a beach party (for our Cincinnati friends – a beach party is a fun filled event featuring various activities such as seeing the ocean, keeping sand out of those delicate areas, and not being the first person to pull out the sweatshirt when the temperature begins it descent). Read more of this post