“Where my dogs at?”

While this question was probably rhetorical when DMX asked it, many of you ladies are asking a similar question and actually looking for an answer. Most of you would prefer not to find the “dogs” out there but instead the good catches you can take home to meet the family for your uncles and aunts to scare and flirt with respectively.

If you haven’t completely given up on finding a “good” man, you have probably spent time asking your friends (male and female) with significant others for tips on where to pick up your portions. To reward your perseverance, I’m here with more advice on the subject. Before I jump into my bits of relationship making goodness, why should you listen to me?

+ I’m a man so I know where we hang out

+ I’m a “good” man – Ask my mom

+ I’ve been in committed, monogamous, long term relationships aka I was once caught

+ I also have multiple single friends that fall into that “good” man category – Ask their moms

+ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results – What do you have to lose by listening to me? Worst case scenario, you get to send me a big “I told you so” message and you know how much you want to do that

Now for the invaluable jewels of 100% unadulterated completely made-up advice. As with most things, it is easier to say where not to meet your own boo. Also if you do meet a potential seed donor in one of these spots, I’m not saying it won’t work but I’m saying don’t get mad when you have to read this list again in 6 months. So where should you NOT be looking for your “good” man:

+ VIP section of the club – While me and the fellas enjoy a nice evening of bottle service, we spend an average of 7.2 nights popping bottles every six months in random cities across the country. Therefore, the chances of you catching us are pretty much slim to none. But if you are interested in being in a rap video or looking to be objectified for the evening (or both), then stick to the VIPs. However, we do spend time in the clubs and you might catch us there if you are open to a little conversation and not already in bad mood from being grabbed every 5 steps. We are like diamonds in the rough minus the Jesus piece chains.

+ Sporting event – You do get points for liking sports, but we paid to see this event so you are unlikely to get the attention warranted to start the journey to picking baby names and retirement locations. Sorry you can’t compete with Kobe, A-Rod or AP.

+ Gentlemen clubs – Now regardless of who it is, it is nearly impossible to have anything other than intimate thoughts about strangers at a strip club. If you are comfortable meeting someone under these pretenses, then go for it. But if not, be warned he is expecting you to do something strange for some change.

+ The Mall – Yes we do have to go shopping and some of us enjoy popping quite a few tags. But if you rub elbows with a candidate in Victoria Secrets, some warning signs should go off as the panties are his or they are his. Or if he is holding a bag from Arden B or Bebe, he isn’t shopping for his sister or mom. We do all that online…speaking of online…

+ Internet – We spend time on Facebook and Myspace, but sending you a random message or answering yours will not lead to years of wedding bliss. Why? The same way you can still be 25 and have an athletic build; we can own our own business and always be over 6’0. It is best to leave the first impressions to the real world.

+ Anywhere if he is wearing sunglasses in the dark – It works well to hide from the paparazzi but it becomes a trip hazard when your hater-blockers prevent you from seeing an exit sign. How are we supposed to see you and your great big…personality from behind our knock-off designer shades?

Overall look to meet your Prince Charming where he is most likely to be honest and not feel the need to portray him as something that won’t last past the second date. Try places like ATMs (means he actually has a bank account), Church (he knows what the initials JC stand for), Oil Change & Car Washes (he has a car), barber shop/salon (his appearance matters to him and you will look your best with your hair did), Gym (high cholesterol and blood pressure aren’t his hobbies), Happy Hour (he most likely came directly from a job and enjoys relaxing with friends), and a book store (he can read) for starters.

Most importantly, don’t let a bad experience scar you from going back to a good place. Dirt bags are everywhere and they can sometimes infiltrate the “good” man insider email (it comes out bi-weekly) and end up in the same places. While I can help you find the right location, I can’t help you with discern the good from bad.

onetrik…

Shacking up mathematics…

Disclaimer: The following is intended for the men out there in committed (committed as in you are not still grabbing random females in the club every other weekend) relationships and if you keep reading, your female will be sent an automatic email detailing your intentions to take your relationship to the next level. Consider yourself warned…

Many of the fellas out there in relationships have had THE conversation or will soon approach the topic…You know when you and your lady decide on whether or not to cohabitate. We aren’t going to point any fingers on who brought the topic up because either way we know you spend every night together and she has already marked her spot at your place with her own drawer and toothbrush.

In today’s world many couples are agreeing to move in together for various reasons: save money, partner has a new vacuum cleaner, get more channels out of your cable bill, easy way to increase your dvd collection. Whatever the reason, there has not been a clear cut way to determine if your relationship is ready to share an address. Until now. I’m not usually in the business of giving unsolicited (free) advice, but the following formula may help you come to a conclusion on whether or not it is a good idea for the two of you to make your roommate status more permanent through a lease or mortgage:

Score = ((R – N) + SP * (P * T)) * S

  • T = Time spent together (months)
  • N = Number of females in your phone that are waiting for her to mess up
  • S = Amount of money you would save living together
  • P = Percentage chance that you will eventually propose (to her)
  • R = Her rating from 1-10 without make-up
  • SP = 0 if she does not watch sports with you, 1 if she does

If your score is:

  • Negative – You obviously didn’t read the disclaimer
  • Greater than your annual salary – Time to start house hunting
  • Less than your annual salary – Flip a coin

Good luck to those of you making the move and stay tuned for tips to successful shacking…

onetrik…