five steps to singledom…

The ubf staff…I can say staff even though we aren’t paid right…oh I shouldn’t tell you we don’t get paid…mea cupla…let’s start this again…ubf contributors tend to dole out recommendations for solving the various symptoms of singledom but over the life of this blog I have begun to wonder about two things: 1) what if not everyone is ready to kick their case of singledom…2) even if you were, why would you listen to a collection of individuals with their summer and winter homes residing firmly in singleville…

With that said, it seems we may have been ignoring an area of intrigue…what would be included in a recipe for solitary casserole?

Glad you asked…based on our extensive research, we find ourselves as not only members but high ranking officials in this field of dolo studies…per usual, we bring the food for thought but you have to do the dishes… Read more of this post

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women’s imagina…i mean intuition…

hey kids…gather around…no, come in a little closer because this one is important…today’s story is about the big bad intuition…after hearing another story about misguided intuition i thought it was time we tackle this monster head on…

now i’m not here to say it doesn’t exist…i mean, how else would moms rock have known when her eldest son was trying to smuggle forbidden cookies back to his hideout…however, i would like to put this intuition’s prevalence, relevance and true usefulness into the debate blender…puree…

if i had to liken this intuition to anything/one it would have to be old st. nick…there was a while in my youth where i heard of the good deeds of this portly patron and had witnessed at least hints of his presence…but as time passed and the mystique faded, i started to notice some glaring outages in his red furry armour…

as it turned out, the story was not completely false…there was indeed someone delivering toys and consuming cookies and lactaid…but the reality was far less whimsical than the original imaginative tale…but the gift negotiations became a lot more effective once we squeezed out the fantasy…

this women’s intuition sounds like a great thing…so great in fact, that unlike lil wayne’s package, i don’t believe every woman actually received it…the belief that you have it leaves you writing letters to santa going through phones and emails instead of asking the right questions to get to the real answers… Read more of this post

putting the man in man-ogamy…

now before my spelling bee champions begin firing your darts of disagreement, i know that the word is really monogamy, but that would starve the title of all of the cleverness i’ve been trying to feed to it for the last 37 seconds…

i once heard that it is unnatural for a man to settle down with a single loin serving …i then heard it repeated a few thousand times…so of course i believed it…kinda like the folks that believe that raising taxes will hurt the economy…i digress…so once i gave up on finding “the one”, i shifted my life goal to becoming the poor black version of vincent chase, which is damn near impossible when your ‘entourage’ is more popular than you are…

don’t get me wrong…i love love…especially when it looks like that main character from single ladies (i still have no idea what the show is about as i watch it muted with luther vandross playing in the background)…but let’s face it, lust is much easier to understand and ascertain…sure the ease of it should not be reason enough to keep trying to plug every attractive ‘leak’, but i believe most of us assume that if they plug enough of them, you can trade in your lust coins for a big furry stuffed love… Read more of this post

a few reasons to leave your sand at home…

on a recent visit to a place that plays music, serves  drinks and encourages overt flirting, i found myself accidentally exchanging pleasantries with an attractive seemingly unattached attendee…

i pretended she was interesting and she pretended i was funny until eventually she told me that i looked like someone who would have a self portrait as my phone screen saver…in a rush to quell the character coup, i quickly retrieved the trusty iphone and presented it to her…she then proceeded to enter her name and number with a polite request that i not let that information go to waste…

yes…i was phone raped…don’t laugh…this could happen to you…but the story doesn’t stop there…about 12 minutes later, a dude shows up and kisses her square in her eating orifice…she then introduces me as her good friend elrock…he daps me up and they escape to a quieter corner… Read more of this post

i now pronounce you husband and…husband…

ubf…what it do…we are just a few days into our european excursion and i already miss u guys…although i’ve been checked out of the us news cycle for a couple weeks (decided to check out a few weeks before i left so i could focus more time on not learning any of the languages of the countries we were going to visit…) i did notice a few things…

i see the republicans and democrats are getting along about as well as the pre and really post truce crips and bloods…ahh…i missed the 90’s…

we launched the last mission for the space shuttle atlantis…meaning that in a few years there’ll be a government abandoned space shuttle rolling around some hood on dubs or under some tree while its new owner promises his wife that as soon as june comes through with that alternator, it will be a piece of ish as good as new…
and finally…in a move that caused republican evangelists’ heads to explode all over the country…ny decided to let folks with the same hardware share the same last name… Read more of this post

the color of love…

the other night i was watching single ladies and wishing i would’ve invested the extra loot for 3D…and i really do mean watching…as in no sound, just a lot of pretending that all of stacey dash’s dialogue was a series of haikus professing her love for me…

as anyone who has ever viewed the show knows, there is limited acting ability a white chick in the cast as well…one who likes black men…so much that to the dismay of her husband and black women all across america, she went all nelly air force one-ish and order 2 pairs of black daddy sacks…

and one of them was common the mayor…gasp…i know…

the purposeful mixing of  the races is an oft discussed and much disagreed upon topic within our community…and many single bitter black women seem to find that subject fairly touchy…so i decided to grope the hell out of it today…

as legend has it, once a black man achieves a certain level of success in life (apparently one that is higher than mine), one of his rewards is the ability to make kids with good hair…now as much as i would like to believe that my next raise will be accompanied by a set of size c’s of any color, i would have to believe that giving away women violates some corporate law or statute…with this as my baseline belief, and after a few conversations with cats that have decided to travel the milky way, i would like to offer up some other possible reasons why these well to do brothers might be choosing megan fox over meagan good… Read more of this post

whose your daddy…

While reading the twitter timeline & facebook feed on Sunday, I couldn’t help but notice how many of my friends and followers were tweeting about Father’s day. And not necessarily their own fathers. I had at least ten “Oh damn, I didn’t know he had a kid” moments…which led me to another observation…

Many of the “Daddies” in question were those same dudes tweeting/status updating/texting me about their un-readiness for relationshipville. From asking a few homies my detailed research, I’ve garnered that most of the commitment-phobe dudes that I know often cite the increased ‘responsibility’ of being in a relationship as one of the major downsides. Yesterday, elrock schooled us on all the things Daddies are responsible for. It’s an interesting list, but it also made me wonder… Read more of this post

silence of the side piece…

 

you don't see these guys trying to take over the dinner table...

attention one and all…wendy’s now has natural cut fries (meaning that enslaved earthworms with tiny cleavers sever them into fry-lets) that are covered in sea salt (meaning they are placed in bags and beat across the backs of unsuspecting beached sea lions during mating season)…amazing i know…so amazing that wendy’s has decided to dedicate entire 30 second tv spots to highlight their deliciousness…

perhaps you’ve seen these and wonder the same thing i did…since when did the side options start earning top billing during my modern family interruptions…unfortunately, it’s a sign of the times…and side pieces everywhere have taken notice…the evidence of this is all around us…from the 15 – 30 very ordinary tiger’s teasers to @snitchonanthonywiener, side pieces are surfacing everywhere with a story to tell…

now let’s make one thing clear…we do not publicly condone side piece accrual…i generally believe if your woman is normal size, you should only have one…which leaves more for us…however, if she is shorter than 4’10, you can have another of equal or lower height so that you can stack them up for the open mouthed saliva trades… Read more of this post

it’s break-up season…

let's trim this relationsh...er...hedge...

memorial day weekend is in our rear view mirror, marking the unofficial start of summer, which in some circles is known as the season for change…cool turns to hot and…uh…umm…ok well maybe calling it the season for change was a bit of an overstatement…no wait…there is at least one other thing that often changes with the temperature and that is your relationship status on the book of 600 million faces…make that 599,999,999 faces because our guy d. g. still refuses to upload a photo…

studies show…if u can make it to july with a strong ‘it’s complicated’ consider yourself lucky…because in the coming weeks, your facebook timeline will probably be filled with several broken heart symbols that make these profile separations official…

some might suggest that the summertime mate removal phenomenon happens purely by chance and i might call these people cute and naive…the ubf staff believes that these changes are the byproducts of some of those things that are only produced in the year’s warmest months…

to talk a little further about that, i’d like to turn it over to our friend the list to outline why april showers bring may…disappointment… Read more of this post

I think I want to marry you…

By now you have no doubt heard the news that Kris Humphries has taken one for the team and offered up his free to smash lifestyle as a professional athlete in exchange for the championship inducing cakes of one Kim Kardashian. Congrats to your 2012 NBA Champion Brooklyn…err…New Jersey Nets…

After a whopping six months of front row seat loss viewing, paparazzi dodging and endless vacationing, the couple is now engaged and headed to be joined in happily until-you-bore-me-to-death matrimony…moment of silence for those of you still holding on to your ‘Kim K’s boo’ raffle tickets. Now I’m not here to say they won’t work out long term, but I wouldn’t run out and buy those new Humphries-Kardashian Nets’ jerseys (however you may want to store his name away as it will probably resurface as a double jeopardy clue in about 5-7 years). I’m also not going to touch on the whole you can’t turn a morally loose jezebel into an upstanding housewife not found on VH1…as I’m sure more righteous bloggers will beat the weave off of that horse…

However, their rather quick transition from strangers to fiancés led me to wonder what would cause me to lose my mind and recognize ‘miss right now’ was actually worthy of losing the ‘now’ before a season of American Idol crowns a champion… Read more of this post