when those guys become ‘That Guy’…

New York- ‘concrete jungle where dreams are made of’ blah blah blah. The city that never sleeps is soon turning into the city where nobody ever settles down. As of 2008, the national median age for women to get married was 26. For men it was 28. This was the oldest recorded since the census started keeping track in the 1890s. I imagine in New York City, one must add at least 10 5 years to those numbers in order for them to start sounding believable. Being old a mature single is widely accepted and embraced in cities such as New York, and if we use onetrik’s proclivity for not settling down as a litmus test, Los Angeles as well.

However, the idea that you do not see marriage in your near future does not mean it’s acceptable to be ‘That Guy’. Who is “That Guy”, you wonder? I’ll explain. ‘That Guy’ is that old-ish dude at the club that younger women mistake for somebody’s lecherous uncle.  Remember when you were in your early twenties and you saw someone with slightly outdated clothing at a table buying bottles, inviting pretty young thangs over to share his wealth and thinking he was ‘Doing it’, when really everyone else thought he was just old? This blog is dedicated to ‘That Guy’ and UBF’s dedication to making sure ‘He’ isn’t YOU.

If find yourself relating to the following situations, you may in fact be ‘That Guy’ that the little ladies are avoiding  and younger, hotter models are laughing at. Here they are- in no particular order…

–        your hairstyle resembles a fade and you aren’t a new recruit for the USA Army

–        you wear gold chains or any rings on your fingers  other than a wedding ring (Which makes you a different version of ‘That Guy’ called a sleezeball)

–        you watched Reggie Miller score 8 points in 8 seconds against the Knicks and thought he was the future of basketball instead of this new guy named Kobe Bryant

–        you graduated college before the new millennium started and you’re partying it up at Greenhouse on a Monday night

–        you have on a suit other than the pre-approved colors of black or grey, rockin it out at the club Steve Harvey style

–         there are people at the club that weren’t in high school when you graduated from college

–        you still have your first Michael Jackson record

–        you have on a top hat or ‘fedora’ at the club

–        you rocked a “Starter” jacket of your favorite football team in high school…or ever for that matter

–        your first Atari was in Elementary school

–        you know what the “Pong” video console is

–        R. Kelly’s “Step in the name of Love” is still your jam and you dance to it doing a perfect 2 step every time it’s played at the club

–        you have children that can get into said club with legit or even a fake ID in the next five years

–        your girlfriend’s favorite ass jeans in high school were L.E.I. widelegs

–        you have to lie about your age when you meet girls at the club

–        at 3 am when they put on the old school music (Frankie Beverly, Cheryl Lynn), it’s the first time in the night that you feel comfortable on the dance floor

–        the DOB on your driver’s license is closer to 1970 than 1980

–        you remember this is the first time the Knicks have been competitive since Patrick Ewing or watched Rick Fox play for the Lakers

–        you can relate to any of the scenarios above yet still attend homecoming at your undergraduate institution in hopes of meeting some nice co-eds at one of the parties hosted by your frat

And finally, If you are anywhere above thirty and have looked around an establishment to locate the pimped out, cradle robber in question, only to realize you can’t find him, there’s a reason for that.  ‘That Guy’ is you.

Unfortunately, men are not like wine. They don’t get better with time. They get creepier. It’s not my job to tell you when to sit your –ss down. If you don’t find Ms. Right until you’re 80 and Hugh Hefner is your idol, that’s fine by me. Just keep your old tail out of the club because it is my responsibility to tell you when you are scaring the children.

Some Lolitas don’t want to rub elbows with an old @ss man.  I’m just sayin.



About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

9 Responses to when those guys become ‘That Guy’…

  1. Tony Stark says:

    When you are this guy. Deep down, you know. But you hope that others don’t know and/or recognize. The sad part is, these dude are the equivalent of the fat girl wearing the tihgt clothes. They both think that they are the shyte. Sad!

    • Lolita says:

      Exactly! The thing is- it’s perfectly ok for this guy to go out and meet & greet. It’s not ok for him not to realize that he should try fraternizing with people his own age.

    • Lookin4Treble says:


      LMAO – this was hilarious. Thanks for posting this. I sent a bunch of folks to this blog. I was laughing out loud when I read it. It also made me laugh because as a woman in my mid-30s, I was like, “Dang…she’s talking about MY age group!!! Young heifer!” But seriously, this is too funny. Thanks for sharing. Wow – I always see folks in the club that fit this description. This post should be a public service announcement for all those guys who are “That Guy!”

      Keep up the good work!!


      • Lolita says:

        Unfortunately, many of the listed items in question are during my time frame as well ;/ That said…I’m not trolling for little boys! Glad you liked it :o)

  2. Kreme says:

    This is too funny…..I am sad to say, but I know someone like this…creepy!!! LOL

  3. Pingback: i don’t usually do this but…keep the party going… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  4. Soumynona says:

    I’m so glad my dob is closer to the 80s than 70s bc I was starting to feel bad about all that MO I spilled on that young tender at the MLK shake your rump sock-hop

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