the jeter effect…

The homie sdotkikko brought this interesting interwebs link to my attention last week. Apparently someone over at The Sporting News got the genius idea to create an article of various images showing the highlights of Derek Jeter’s past conquests (or at least the celebrity ones that we know of as I’m sure there have been a few dimey waitresses/bottle servers/strippers that went unnoticed)…

Following a careful perusal (and 7 minutes of some alone time), I was left hating Jeter. It is one thing to be an athlete and have all your heart’s desires at your fingertips. But Mr. 3000 hits isn’t satisfied with that and feels the need to bed the majority of Maxim’s Top 100 Women list. It almost feels like a personal attack. The only way it could be worse is if he did it to my family tree…

After my hating spree ended, I began to think about how we as a society were even subjected to this. Aren’t athletes supposed to offset their silver spoon fed lives by making ridiculously poor decisions and then suffer through some sort of consequences that leave us commenting on their ignorance? We can probably just call it the Tiger condition at this point as I don’t see an athlete taking that title any time soon. But evidently DJ has some sort of antibiotic that makes him immune to this…

So if his cure works for athletes, then it probably has some application for those of us sitting in front of a computer on this fine Monday. Let’s think about how he has been able to do his best teflon impersonation… Read more of this post

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just do it…

A few recent conversations have brought me to a realization:

I am more loyal to Nike than I could ever be to an eventual wife.

After you close your mouth, let me explain myself as a true Nike-head.

First and foremost, I mean this as a very high compliment to the women that will eventually win my version of for the love of onetrik the amazing race to be crowned with the title of Mrs. Onetrik. By no means am I planning on getting put on blast like Tiger stepping out on her, so get your chance while you can ladies. I’m talking to you Gugu Mbatha-Raw

Secondly, outside of my family and a few childhood friends, I’ve been with Nike longer than any other relationship I’ve ever experienced. We are actually going on 20 years of happily ever after shoe/apparel happiness. Back in the day, we were still seeing other people but I finally realized the Swoosh was the one for me and have been committed for 15 years without even the smallest bit of incidental flirting. Read more of this post

the enemy within…

men are dogs…and we are destined to go through life screwing up any and all good that ever comes our way…we never know a good thing when we have it…yada yada yada… well…i have some late breaking news…it appears that while we’re racing through this life, consistently coloring outside the lines, it’s some of you that are actually supplying the crayolas…while ubf was out in these streets trying to eradicate infidelity wherever it occurred, some of you ladies have been doing your very best to thwart these efforts…i am looking at you well informed mistresses…those of you out there purposely wiping your back sweat on sheets washed by unsuspecting girlfriends and wives…you should be ashamed of yourselves…leading us to believe that these homes were out here wrecking themselves…

all this time we thought it was that pesky xy chromosome pairing that left us predisposed to these extramarital/relationship threatening tryst…so imagine our surprise when we realized that there are some of you who are currently peddling your panty candies at the doorsteps of weak fleshed guys you know to already be involved with other young ladies…some of whom are sharing addresses, last names and offspring…shame on you (wagging finger sternly in your direction fantasia)…
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knowing is half the battle…

in our continuous quest to quench your insatiable thirst for manformation, we’ve once again pointed that new knowledge firehose in your direction…we’ve devised today’s post to let you know exactly where you stand on this totem pole of love…er lust…er male-female interaction…the worst thing that can happen is that you misunderstand your location and start acting as if you have girl scout badges that you have yet to ascertain…so here is a cheat sheet to help you figure out how we probably should be interacting and whether or not you should be waiting for something more…

the jump off – this first phase is one that we actually suggest you skip if you have any desire to ever reach real relationship status…it will probably be fun for both parties…and by both parties i mean me and my desire to have unattached cinemax sessions…

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