eddie long…going both ways…

while the rest of the country’s darker bloggers were dedicating their air time to the biggest news to hit the black community since bruce leroy defeated shonuff back in ’85, we thought it was way more important to touch on topics such as early morning hotel escapes and poems performed on pelvic mics…but today the good bishop gets his long awaited ubf post…let the church say amen…

in full disclosure, i have never been a fan of dudes in star trek suits eddie long…nothing against religion or mega-churches… i just always had a strong belief that hair pieces should only be worn at gun point by the donald and biker shirts should only be worn if you plan on touching boys peddling a bike with your arms…which of course leads me into the “what if he did it” portion of this post… Read more of this post

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a quick snack at Baja Fresh…

*****We recently took a poll on how to improve ubf. Since no one has successfully mastered cloning, we went with the second best suggestion: Add a female voice. Please allow us to introduce the first ever female to enter the hallowed ubf walls (bio and all), Lolita. She’s bringing a little east coast flavor to our stories of drunken and fabricated memories translated into life advice. We’ll make sure her estrogen feels at home nestled in between all this testosterone but make sure you do your part with lots of comments (ladies) and leaving your phone numbers (fellas) because she is single.*****

How soon is too soon? Ahh the age old question. You are about to indulge in some good old fashioned sexy times with your soon to be significant other (hopefully…if everything goes as planned…) and begin your pg-13 version of foreplay when he gently guides his hip area north…almost as if, well kinda towards your face. Hmmm. The question most self respecting ladies should be asking themselves is, Now what?  If you are a girl who just goes in for the kill, you may as well stop reading this. Now.  (Sidebar: if dude in question pushes your head down like the homing device on a guiding missile, you are a jump off. You can stop reading this as well.) Read more of this post

the older the berry…

…the closer to that last call on social security…and that is about the only thing you can guarantee when looking to nab you a fancy aarp member as your designated partner in this offline game called life.

I’ve officially gone over my anytime minutes when it comes to listening to disgruntled chics people tell me they only date people above a certain age.

Sidenote: Now don’t get me wrong, as a law abiding, tax paying, always voting for the black candidate citizen, I do believe that dating someone not deemed an adult by the US government is equal parts sad and lazy. Oh and illegal. Not too mention how unfair it is to those seniors who waited 3 whole years to be at the top of the totem pole so they could take advantage of those younger girls that wouldn’t date them when they themselves were younger…I digress…Rest assured that 18+ is the exception to the random collection of advice colored nonsense to follow…

The reasons for setting these you must be this old to ride minimums have recently taken the form of:

+ it means he isn’t in that ban (boy + man) stage any longer and ready to have a low-bs and no-games balanced relationship..aka he won’t make me watch him play videogames…

+ it means he is done with his playa ways…aka he doesn’t have the energy required to play you…

+ it means he knows what he wants…aka he is ready to jump the broom in the next 12 months…

+ it means he is financially stable…aka he is more likely to leave large amounts of cash in your various purses…

+ it means he is mature and refined…aka he won’t consider Chipotle good Mexican food…

As a not too young but still not too old fellow (some may call me perfect but that is neither here nor there), the following is an unbiased constituent’s take letting the cat out of the bag on these proposed RTBs (reasons to believe). Read more of this post

when your night clothes become your morning clothes…

your eyes pop open… it’s 9:27 in the morning…but that’s not your alarm clock…and by the cartoon characters/high thread count these aren’t your sheets…your breath smells like vodka, gimlet juice and recently expired good times…then through that thick musky mouth concoction you’ve been exhaling you then get a whiff of the this sweet familiarly unfamiliar scent…you know you’ve smelt it before, but you can’t remember when or where…after a couple blinking exercises your eyes start to get acclimated to your dimly lit surroundings…you start to stretch your extremities…and while extending your right leg it happens…your big toe clashes into the freshly shaven (or never shaven) calf of the familiar scent’s owner…enter shame… Read more of this post

all they do is win…and lie…

This past weekend, I found myself out amongst the bright lights of LA’s nightlife and I experienced something for the very first time. No Stacy Dash didn’t kidnap me and whisk me off to her slayer lair (there is always this weekend right?). But instead I was brave enough to man the LA scene sober. I know it is very disappointing and I apologize for my transgression. Who creates a blog titled Us, Bottles and Friends and then comes back with a story heavy on the us and friends but nan drop of bottles or their delicious contents? I must do better.

However, this new experience did show me something I had to that moment never witnessed in any of my stand on couches, take off one too many articles of clothing, ingest copious amounts of alcohol into my bloodstream while drinking my drinks via my clothing moments (it is a tough life but someone has to do it). I witnessed a sad sight that needs to be corrected instantly. Read more of this post

it was bound to happen eventually…

please watch this video and talk amongst yourselves while i’m out trying to find a job out here at nbmba…

elrock…the soon to be employed…

rsvp for wifey…

While I’m not sure when this list is created (could be given out at the final girl scouts banquet), I do know that nearly all women have one tucked away some where. The list of things they are saving for their eventual husband. It could be compiled of things explored in the bedroom or could be a sacred recipe passed down from their mother’s mother’s mother. Regardless of the contents, it is like the woman’s American Express…they don’t leave (their parent’s) home without it.

In the spirit of anything you can do I can do better, I’ve put together my own list of things I’m saving for wifey. So all of you harlots standing in between me and my future baby momma with a ring can stop asking as you will never experience any of the following: Read more of this post

it was over when…

my apologies if i seem a little amped today…this weekend my beloved arkansas razorbacks (don’t judge me…i was born into it) scored their first road victory in 2 years…as customary when my team wins, i scoured the internet for varying descriptions of how they were able to pull off the victory…when they lose, i prepare 2 shots of jack…i pour one down my throat and pour the other one on my modem…

the first stop on this internet tour is usually espn.com…they always provide a snapshot of every major game that occurred that weekend…calling out the top performers, quoting some obscure stat from the game and providing their “it was over when” moment…they use that last section to highlight the play that essentially put the game out of reach for the losers…of course it’s a lot Read more of this post

let’s play house…

As elrock shared with the class last week, long distance relationships usually lead to more distance between the individuals than long relationships. In the same spirit of relationships and as the #2 relationship expert at ubf, I’m here with a few morsels of vague fodder for the other end of the spectrum. You know that inevitable question all serious couples face on whether to bring another girl into the relationship go green by reducing their carbon footprint through the consolidation of addresses aka “let’s play house”.

In my previous life as a relationship jumper, I had the benefit of not only answering this question with an extra-confident “sure” once but twice. You know the old adage of fool me once shame on you but fool me twice shame on the landlord for making this lease so damn long.

On paper, the idea of shacking up not only makes mathematical sense because of the fact that she is over at my place doubling every conceivable utility bill therefore justifying she put something on it, but we also like it each other so much why would we ever want to go home to our own place. Haha. Love. Isn’t it cute? Read more of this post

long distance hate err…love

those that follow us regularly know that i am the in house relationship expert…and by expert i mean that my last relationship lasted about as long as a the rainy season in los angeles…but this doesn’t mean i am completely unfamiliar with the concept…it actually does rain in southern california…a little…

my last scattered shower relationship was a few years back…and it actually started off with a lot of excessive phone bills promise…she had a bright future, a cute nose, a good sense of humor and a mean heel game…no she did not pay me to say any of that (although i wish she would because this coke habit is really starting to choke the life out of my checking account… i jest…i drink pepsi)…basically all the things i tend to look for in women i (like but end up screwing up) date…but what she also had was this weird habit of being 2726 miles away 26 days out of every month…that’s correct…i had signed up for the dreaded (or not so dreaded) long distance relationship…

prior to that, i had been officially single for 5 or 6 years (i lost count)…silly me…thinking that the best way to break a hiatus from the relationship world was to sign up for a part time lover…this method probably Read more of this post