death to cupid…

have you ever despised a person that died a “few” hundred years before your father got too tipsy to pull out…well i have…and his name is st. valentine…

first off, allow me to share a little bit of thick, dusty book extracted history…

st. valentine was the roman patron of extortion…in around 300 a.d. he would travel through his home village and apply chastity belts to the pelvises…pelvi…wait…i’ll look it up…i was right the first time…the pelvises of women who were either already married or randomly smashing some villager for goat steaks promised to be married…in order to get these chastity belts removed, the gentlemen would have to supply st. valentine with gifts and expensive trinkets…in return for these gifts, he would remove the iron love pouch covers and the men would once again be able to enjoy what they already once enjoyed…however, if no gift was received, the man was sentenced to not only forgo the deep sea dive but was also forced to listen to her complain about him not sending gifts for the next year…i know…cruel and unusual…

ok, so maybe i made that whole story up…tis what happens when you mix hate and imagination…but i figured with how valentine’s day eventually ended up, it must’ve  been birthed from something at least this silly…

know your position…

We at ubf have very few rules…but there is one that you should probably remember…the only thing better than a good analogy is a sports analogy…and given the two week hiatus the NFL has put us on, I’ve decided to bring you die hard sports fans looking to cancel your match.com profiles our latest sports analogy with regards to the ‘will you procreate with me’ world…

Now as with all team sports, you are either a starter or a bench player…not surprisingly my fellow brethren tend to think of the opposite sex in these terms as well…all women we consider making the meat to our sheets sandwich fall into one of these categories:

it’s blackout season…

ahh…holiday season is upon us…and i know this because the malls are packed, there are innocent trees strapped to the tops of cars and people are being way nicer to me than usual…it’s the most wonderful time of the year…roasting chestnuts and opening fires…but you might want to put a bookmark in that smile…because we are also in the middle of the infamous dating blackout season…

this is the period between green wednesday, the wednesday before thanksgiving (because that is the day you have to start prepping the greens) and the day after valentine’s day where many smart men and women decide to cut their losses and look forward to next dating season…if the boo hasn’t been landed by then, it’s time to trade down to a cuddle buddy and ride out this wintry mix of mattress massaging and mismanaged expectations…

of course this might seem a wee bit uncomfortable, but it is a small price to pay to avoid that dreaded newly boo’ed holiday gauntlet…which loosely goes as follows: