random relations…the inaugural voyage…

Thanks to David Stern’s affinity for 50% instead of 48%, I found myself watching a mediocre sitcom this week. One of the characters found himself struggling with the internal battle of partaking in meaningless coitus with another female character. This not so great entertainment brought back memories of my first foray into those same non-committed belly smacking waters…

As always, let’s make sure we are on the same page with a creatively worded yet slight vague definition of what makes relations random. The ingredients tend to include: two individuals extremely attracted to each other sometimes unbeknownst to the male + jack daniels + nighttime + some date related activity + jack daniels + no previous knowledge of birthmarks hidden by undergarments + limited conversation to reveal shortcomings/deal breakers + jack daniels…

While I’m not going to divulge how long ago this took place to protect those incriminated, it did happen during my days of needing to check the expiration date of my emergency prophylactic stash because as the always in a relationship guy, I tended to spend my non boo’d time as an avatar alien in my shorts.  Lucky for my loins, those periods of time were usually relatively short…

With that setup, it is time to grab your favorite salty snack for story time…I’ll wait… Read more of this post

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y’all broke up…and he doesn’t care…

look at him over there on his own facebook page with his drink, his 2-step and his flock o’ floozies…bastard…how could he possibly be out there having this much fun with the stench of the break up conversation still floating through the air…it’s like he never really cared at all…

because he didn’t…

ok…i’m just playing…he did…and he probably still does…but the way in which he expresses it will show up in forms that are not easily recognized my the female mind…

as we’ve mentioned here a few times(read as every other day or so) men and women wired a little differently…women tend to see a break up as a time to: Read more of this post

smushed green grass…

I know what many of you think…man I wish I could live that single life of elrock …

Aside: I too have been there I must admit…

Even if you can’t reach elrock status, your best efforts will show (as my post from last week tried to illustrate) that it takes a very serious commitment to enjoy the fruits of singledom labor…to further this point I have a tale from my weekend …you see while the yard may look full of bountiful green grass over there on the solo dolo side, it can often times get crumpled under life’s feet of less than desirable experiences…

On this particular evening, I was invited out by a friend to a games night…being a Taboo master, I was compelled to defend my crown but  I found myself tired leading up to the evening’s main event….hoping to gather my energy through the form of tiddlywinks coppage, I opted for a pre-game nap…after underestimating my tiddlies level, I slept approximately two hours longer than the original plan…after recognizing that I was on my couch and not Paula Patton’s as my dream had led me to believe, I went into quick preparation mode for the evening…also known as t-shirt, jeans and js…I share this seemingly meaningless paragraph of details to bring to life the lack of care that went into my appearance…

Luckily I arrived to my friend’s abode prior to the all important taboo team selection but I seemed to have missed the section of the night where everyone says their name through an interpretive chant and dance…as a true games participant I put aside my lack of social media linkage to 53% of the room and we jumped right into the game… Read more of this post

five steps to singledom…

The ubf staff…I can say staff even though we aren’t paid right…oh I shouldn’t tell you we don’t get paid…mea cupla…let’s start this again…ubf contributors tend to dole out recommendations for solving the various symptoms of singledom but over the life of this blog I have begun to wonder about two things: 1) what if not everyone is ready to kick their case of singledom…2) even if you were, why would you listen to a collection of individuals with their summer and winter homes residing firmly in singleville…

With that said, it seems we may have been ignoring an area of intrigue…what would be included in a recipe for solitary casserole?

Glad you asked…based on our extensive research, we find ourselves as not only members but high ranking officials in this field of dolo studies…per usual, we bring the food for thought but you have to do the dishes… Read more of this post

text-enuating circumstances…why he never calls…

if i had a dollar for every time i’ve heard a young lady complain about  some dude that has chosen to bypass the vocals in order to let his fingers do all the talking, i may’ve been able to completely forgo this day job thing i was recently reintroduced to…

i see you sitting at your bi-weekly man “critiquing” dinners audibly wondering why the guy you let slow hump you to novacane last week at your neighborhood juke joint is now refusing to douse you with his anytime minutes…

well, allow me to pull my chair up to your pf chang table, enjoy some of your delicious lettuce wraps and leave this series of possible reasons scribbled on the back of your receipt…

check please… Read more of this post

the jeter effect…

The homie sdotkikko brought this interesting interwebs link to my attention last week. Apparently someone over at The Sporting News got the genius idea to create an article of various images showing the highlights of Derek Jeter’s past conquests (or at least the celebrity ones that we know of as I’m sure there have been a few dimey waitresses/bottle servers/strippers that went unnoticed)…

Following a careful perusal (and 7 minutes of some alone time), I was left hating Jeter. It is one thing to be an athlete and have all your heart’s desires at your fingertips. But Mr. 3000 hits isn’t satisfied with that and feels the need to bed the majority of Maxim’s Top 100 Women list. It almost feels like a personal attack. The only way it could be worse is if he did it to my family tree…

After my hating spree ended, I began to think about how we as a society were even subjected to this. Aren’t athletes supposed to offset their silver spoon fed lives by making ridiculously poor decisions and then suffer through some sort of consequences that leave us commenting on their ignorance? We can probably just call it the Tiger condition at this point as I don’t see an athlete taking that title any time soon. But evidently DJ has some sort of antibiotic that makes him immune to this…

So if his cure works for athletes, then it probably has some application for those of us sitting in front of a computer on this fine Monday. Let’s think about how he has been able to do his best teflon impersonation… Read more of this post

and you say she’s just a friend…

it has often been said that men and women simply cannot maintain platonic friendships…and the reason generally given is fairly simple…because men will hunch pretty much anything that looks like it has the faintest possibility of producing friction pleasure…well we here at ubf have argued to the contrary (although that might’ve just been me)…

but as i sit here drizzling hennessy xo across my keyboard, there are some of you ladies out there that have had your eye on the man region of a particular fellow and can’t seem to figure out why the distance between you and said region leave you needing a quarter activated set of binoculars to see it…

as luck would have it, just like anytime you click on that ubf bookmark, you’ve come to the right place…today’s post has been painstakingly designed to a) help you figure out if you’ve been relegated to the bedroom bench and b) help you determine what could’ve gotten you there…you read that right…the ever so rare double fisted listed post…

so…go grab your glass of nuvo and meet me over here in the list corner…  Read more of this post

the good guy settling down theory…

So ubf fam…today I’m putting away the usual life assisting advice (and accompanying numerically symmetric lists) to pose some questions that I for once don’t have the answers to…I know surprising. I’m hoping that among the 10s of regular readers out there that we can collectively get to some solutions….

Now before we jump in this will be an interactive exercise that requires your input. By proceeding you are agreeing that you will offer up your opinion…deal? Deal…

As we approach the ninth month of this year, I would have to say there has been a consistent theme in onetrik-ville…the collective pursuit of eradicating my firmly rooted singledom. It seems that everyone came in with the new year’s resolution of nominating a friend they feel could tip the scales from first dates, Xbox and international debauchery to boo’d up things I’m not as familiar with…

Now I’m not saying that I’m a nicely dressed sneaker wearing door opening gift to the fairer sex but the consistency with which I’ve been confronted with the opportunities to meet ‘someone that is perfect for me’ have shall we say over indexed. Along the way, I’ve asked a few about their interest in seeing me settled down with their sister from another mother. The answer tends be associated with the idea that I am a good guy. My question to you is what does that even mean? Read more of this post

get in the game…

I’ve recently read one too many bios that include the phrase ‘I don’t play games’ and then find a buffet size list of dating complaints in the same person’s stream of 140 letters or less digital rants. So I’m devoting the next 750 or so words to trying to solve this knowing that the ones that need to read it won’t make it pass the click more button and those that do are probably already equipped with this knowledge…but as is life…

The root of dating pain for most is that they feel it isn’t a sport…while the potential partners in their ‘so you think you can be my husband’ pairings are definitely approaching it as a sport…and probably a seasoned veteran at this point because of her need to date older guys (another post for another day)…

Now as much as I’d like to tell you to filter out those players of this ‘game’ and find the genuine gents, I’m not sure your ovaries are that patient…don’t fret though because just like LeBron if you know the rules and apply a little practice here and there, you can experience mediocre results from great expectations… Read more of this post

5 things you should never forget or forgive…

Believe it or not but there was a time when I was known as young onetrik…not necessarily because of my age but more directly related to the maturity-free diet my dating life was on…I know amazing…

While I managed to curtail excessive sea man droppage inside of naval bases, I did encounter a few less than flattering moments where I found myself begging for forgiveness while hoping for forgetness…

For instance, there was the time when I decided to tell the girl that I had been long distance dating that one of us was not exclusively dating the other in addition to winnie pooh’n a few local honey pots…in front of a dinner party of mixed company…

Or the time that I broke up with a girlfriend and started dating a female I had just met within 48 hours of each other…and evidently in the wrong order as the latter happened before the former…

And another that I would have hoped to have forgotten was when I met my first college boo-thang over the summer and proceeded to break up during the first week of classes…not through a conversation but by attempting to date the other girl from her high school at our university… Read more of this post