chuckin up my dueces…

One of my favorite jazz songs is Chris Botti’s version of Con te Partiro. That’s Italian for “Time to Say Goodbye”. If you are not into jazz, Trey Songz has a song called “I Gotta Go” which is also very catchy and delivers a similar message with less need for interpretation. The point is, there comes a time in every relationship where some one exits stage left.

The best advice my mother ever gave me was when I was 20, freshly dumped out of a relationship, and barely able to move let alone get out of bed. She’s normally a very nice, sympathetic lady. But she looked at me and said, “I have bad news for you. Relationships end. Either he breaks up with you, you break up with him, or somebody dies. But it will end. So get used to it.” I must say that really put things into perspective. 10 years later and hundreds a few failed relationships under my belt, I’m thankful for that very realistic word slap in the face. This evening, after a bottle glass of wine to aid as liquid courage, I wrote an 1000 word essay to some one telling them it’s that special time. Con te Partiro buddy. Breaking up is hard to do, regardless of who is at fault. It’s the end of long talks, some one who accepts you without all the makeup and with the head rap, and last, but not least, it’s the end of guaranteed sexy times (making it all the more tragic). As women, we often lament the loss of love. I can tell you that after spending this weekend well lubricated at a club, I rediscovered why losing is actually winning. And so in keeping with UBF’s infamous lists, I will remind the Single Ladies (Do not queue that damn Beyonce song. Thank you in advance) why you should embrace saying Deuces to your insignificant other.

poolside manners…

As the official start of summer hits this upcoming week, the likelihood of spending days poolside increases no matter where you live (even those of you in Cincinnati). This is a great thing for a number of reasons: 1) Starting the party while the sun is still out will not only tire out that “friend” that likes to stay in the spot until 45 min past when all the cute girls are in bed but also allow you to get up the next day in time to see the sun again; 2) Consumptions of alcohol during the day is scientifically proven to be better for your bank account, liver and plantar fasciitis; 3) You can finally show off that hard time spent (or lack of time spent for those procrastinators out there) in the gym; 4) Spending time in the sun encourages the ladies to wear their finest (aka slimmest…minimal…revealing…covering nary-a-thing) wears.

Speaking of wears, fellas we need to talk.

As I witnessed yesterday, not all of us were given the same guidelines for pool party attire. I understand the confusion as it is slightly more involved than a day party but not quite the same as a beach party (for our Cincinnati friends – a beach party is a fun filled event featuring various activities such as seeing the ocean, keeping sand out of those delicate areas, and not being the first person to pull out the sweatshirt when the temperature begins it descent).

sneaker chics…

Most women would agree that a man’s shoes can be a very telling sign about who he is (and how many dinners he can afford). But I’m here to tell you that the converse is happening right now as well. Yep. You heard me correctly. I (along with my fellow gentlemen comrades) am judging you based on your shoe game.

Now Manolos, Jimmy Choos, Louboutins, Guccis, Giuseppes, etc. are fine and dandy for those nights when you step out in your freak-em wears, but there are those other scenarios when you should go with alternative feet candy. What else is there? Sneakers. Don’t believe me (Stop being so sexist). Look at what one of your own had to say about stepping up your sneaker game. My homegirl Puff covered why she is (and you should be) a sneaker chic in her post and I support all of her reasons.

Assuming you are interested in this crazy idea of comfortable shoes, the next step is putting together your collection. Yes you should have a collection. Simply having a pair of running shoes you wear to the gym doesn’t count (but you do get bonus points for your not being afraid of a little sweat). Similar to your finest heels, your sneakers should be kept in top shape and put on display.

So what are the must-haves for every women looking to attract a sneaker-head through shoe flirting?

he doesn’t not like you…

Of course it doesn’t make grammatical sense, but that is your problem. You are over there worried about how to correct me instead of paying attention to the written knowledge about to hit your screen.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get started.

First off,  “He doesn’t not like you” isn’t the same as “He likes you.” How is that logically possible? I’m not a logic teacher and neither are you. It just isn’t the same so there.

Secondly at any given time, most guys you are dating slot you into one of three categories: 1) He likes you; 2) He doesn’t like you; 3) He doesn’t not like you. The first two are fairly easy to recognize. Does he say “I like you” with flowers or does he say “Kick Rocks” and point to actual rocks? Either will make it easy to decipher where you fall.  Determining whether you are in the last category can be confusing (to you, not us).

…it’s football season…shut up…

dear wifey, live in girlfriend, live out girlfriend, chick i’m kinda seeing, chick i plan to meet between now and February,

i’m drafting this letter as a friendly reminder that in about a week’s time, football season will again be upon us. i thought this might be the proper time to reacquaint you with the rules of football season; some “do’s and don’ts” (but mostly don’ts) if you will. first of all, i want you to know how much i really care about you and how i love your new haircut, your new chest hair removal system and that dress you’re going to ask me about. there, that should answer every question you plan to ask me during the several games i plan on watching over the next 5 months. you see, football time is sacred…borderline religious and any attempt to interrupt the watching of it is akin to blasphemy. with that said, as long as the game is on, i don’t care if you have a headache, how cute number 89 is, what that bitch at work had the nerve to say/do, that you’re pregnant, that it’s not mine or that i don’t pay attention to you. you had all summer to tell me how i was screwing up our relationship. i didn’t listen to you then so what makes you think i’ll hear you now?

i should probably clear up a few more misconceptions. yes i can watch 5 games at one time. i will remember how my td’s l.t. had and not remember our wedding anniversary. one of those is going to make me money. the other, i’m still paying for. if you are able to wrestle me away from the television (which i wouldn’t even try) to attend some poorly planned wedding or baby shower don’t ask me if i’m having a good time because i am not. i will most likely be in some corner pressing buttons on my iphone. don’t worry. i’m not sending text messages to some floozy. i’m making sure the cowboys are covering the spread. if i get a whiff of a tv i will be drawn to it like rich black men to white chicks. but i will be easy to locate when it’s time to go home and get busy…cuz yeah…you owe me big for this one.

please don’t take this the wrong way. it’s not that i don’t love you. i just love football more…a lot more actually. but only because it’s been around longer and it never gets mad when i poot between the sheets. i understand if you decide to leave me. just know that i probably won’t notice until late January; that dead week between the conference championship games and the superbowl. and i probably won’t make a play to get you back until halftime of the pro bowl. it’s not nearly as exciting as the nba all star game which takes place the next weekend. oooh. so yeah, i probably won’t be coming after you until around march madness…dang…so maybe april; assuming i still remember your name…and i haven’t met another chick that actually likes football. those are my favorites.

why are you crying? no. i really do care for you. to prove it, i wrote you this poem.
roses are red
violets are blue
that boy darren mcfadden
is gonna be one bad dude…
so yeah, i look forward to staring at you blankly for the next few days. but after that……
sincerely yours,

the avid football fan

elrock…

Speed Dating

Since I live my life one metaphor at a time, I thought I’d put together my thoughts on the state of dating. You may wonder why am I qualified to give such thoughts…well 1) I’ve dated before; 2) I can read; 3) You can convince yourself of anything at 12:30am; 4) I’m single and we all know single people give the best relationship advice.

Now for the metaphor, Dating is like driving a six speed. (Note to reader: I’ve never driven one but that doesn’t stop the comparisons.) I’ve come up with the stages/speeds of dating:

“6-Speed Dating”©
1 – Acquaintances – You know of each other and may even recognize each other with a head nod or eye lash movement.
2 – Friends – You hang out from time to time with groups. You have each others phone number if you ever need to borrow sugar.
3 – Good friends – You talk on the phone for no real reason except to complain about your boss.
4 – Dating – You have officially reached the romantic entry level. You are spending most of your time one on one but still go out with others but only if it is a iteration of a double date.
5 – Boo’d up – You stop getting phone numbers in the club. You have a pair of toothbrushes, one for her place and one for yours.
6 – Murried – You are ready to spend the rest of your life with this person and this person only. All that is left is to pick out kid names.

Ideally, a potential relationship would smoothly accelerate through the speeds as needed. Once the speed was maintained with no issues, you would shift up to the next speed unless you reach the point of needing an oil change. However, we all know things never happen as they are intended. We usually ruin the transmission of the relationship by starting in the 4th gear. Or we start in the 1st gear but accelerate through the speeds before we can properly leverage the speed level we are at. If we take our time and drive the relationship as a manual transmission vs. an automatic, we’ll be able to reach the 6th speed with no auto troubles.

All of that to say, make sure you rotate your tires regularly, check your windshield fluid, and spay/neuter your pets.

onetrik…