random relations…the inaugural voyage…

Thanks to David Stern’s affinity for 50% instead of 48%, I found myself watching a mediocre sitcom this week. One of the characters found himself struggling with the internal battle of partaking in meaningless coitus with another female character. This not so great entertainment brought back memories of my first foray into those same non-committed belly smacking waters…

As always, let’s make sure we are on the same page with a creatively worded yet slight vague definition of what makes relations random. The ingredients tend to include: two individuals extremely attracted to each other sometimes unbeknownst to the male + jack daniels + nighttime + some date related activity + jack daniels + no previous knowledge of birthmarks hidden by undergarments + limited conversation to reveal shortcomings/deal breakers + jack daniels…

While I’m not going to divulge how long ago this took place to protect those incriminated, it did happen during my days of needing to check the expiration date of my emergency prophylactic stash because as the always in a relationship guy, I tended to spend my non boo’d time as an avatar alien in my shorts.  Lucky for my loins, those periods of time were usually relatively short…

With that setup, it is time to grab your favorite salty snack for story time…I’ll wait… Read more of this post

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met my match…nyc edition…

As I mentioned last week, good times were had recently in the city that never sleeps. It took me about a week to filter through them to identify which story would be a) worthy of a few hundred words b) not be able to be used against me in a court of law. One particular encounter that made it through this filter seemed to bubble to the top. So grab your favorite beverage…adult variety if you see fit…and let story time begin…

Before we jump in, don’t let the title fool you as I did not meet my match in the match.com manner but instead my match in terms of someone resilient to what we’ve affectionately come to call charm school. Now I’m not saying that everyone falls victim to my irresistible charms, as a few (maybe many as my memory is poor) have decided to opt out during the registration process. What made this particular interaction of note was that she didn’t ask to be excused from the class but instead grabbed the chalk and decided the course would be student lead…

As a bit of background, the group of homies found ourselves in a bar for an annual life celebration of a homiette…shouts to all the indecisive libras out there…It was a low key bar setup with music playing in the background while drinks were consumed at varying frequency levels. Those that know me can guesstimate that my levels were near the top of the leaderboards. During one of my every six minute scans of the surroundings, a certain young lady that seemed to be dolo at the bar caught my attention. She was dressed casually in a loose top and shorts that gave way to the kind of legs that looked good enough to be on a kfc menu. She was strikingly attractive with hints of multiple races that led me to thank my lucky starts for the end of segregation back in the day… Read more of this post

why i drink…9/30…

summer is done and so are most of our vacation days…instead of adding layers we like to spend more time with the bottle and here are a few excuses…we mean reasons for indulging in the questionable life choices juice…

+ pulling up behind driver with what seemed to be amazing and long hair to realize it is a dude and having to instantly change my holla eyes into needing directions eyes…

+ not only did someone make a ‘is my son gay’ app but someone actually paid to download it…

+ a week away from running 13.1 miles while a stranger holds a stop watch and onlookers (not running) hold up signs with mildly humorous one liners for inspiration… Read more of this post

not just another garden tool…

The ubf fellows took to the streets of nyc this past weekend and as always the good times commenced. I’ll get to some of those good times in my next posts but right now I need to spend the next few days cleaning myself of mouth herpes (learned that evidently somewhere between 65-90% of people have it and I’m venturing a guess I’m not in the talented tenth on this one) and other commonly spread epidemics that you get from public transportation…

During one of our pre-awesome sessions with the homies, we stumbled onto a gem of a topic…hoes…

It started with first defining what makes a person a hoe…it was no surprise we had countless different answers and feelings towards those exhibiting hoe tendencies…here are a few of the opinions on you might be a haeux if… Read more of this post

why i drink…9/23…

we find ourselves on the cusp of another weekend and what better way to get it started than a round of reasons to have a few rounds of your favorite liquid bad decision enablers…

+ gas pump turned off not because my car was full but because I didn’t have enough in my bank account…

+ evidently forbes mag predicted the first hip hop billionaire and it wasn’t me…

+ makes my judgmental ways more entertaining… Read more of this post

for the love of ray j…

I was all set to tackle an all important issue like why breast implants are never a bad idea with today’s post but the large amounts of #tougherthanrayj tweets made me realize that I had to devote today’s rant to the vh1s second favorite little black man…

For those of you unfamiliar with willie junior, here is a quick rundown…best known as the real life little brother of moesha aka brandy…not as well known is that he is also the first cousin to calvin broadus aka snoop dogg…but his biggest claim to fame (or infamy) is still being responsible for kim kardashian…not in the birthing sense but more in the I saw your sex tape so now I want to buy sketchers that you endorse sense…

Well evidently he wasn’t too appreciative of ms kardashian’s continual upstaging of him so he decided to go the rapper route and do something that gets the po-po called for attention…insert the guinness world record for the first ever celebrity twitter-fued with an actual rapper, fabolous (his spelling not mine), that led to a real world fisticuffs …now there are plenty of reports going around about what really happened during this altercation in vegas so we won’t waste any of your precious time on that stuff…we’ll let google handle that for us…

Instead for your entertainment purposes I’d like to talk about how poorly thought out this display of machismo by ray j really was…I know what you are thinking…any man that is horizontally acquainted with a post ’98 whitney houston after bedding kim k should only be allowed to wear velcro shoes and jackets that let him hug himself really hard…while you are correct, but let’s assume for argument’s sake that he wasn’t short on common sense in addition to height… Read more of this post

smushed green grass…

I know what many of you think…man I wish I could live that single life of elrock …

Aside: I too have been there I must admit…

Even if you can’t reach elrock status, your best efforts will show (as my post from last week tried to illustrate) that it takes a very serious commitment to enjoy the fruits of singledom labor…to further this point I have a tale from my weekend …you see while the yard may look full of bountiful green grass over there on the solo dolo side, it can often times get crumpled under life’s feet of less than desirable experiences…

On this particular evening, I was invited out by a friend to a games night…being a Taboo master, I was compelled to defend my crown but  I found myself tired leading up to the evening’s main event….hoping to gather my energy through the form of tiddlywinks coppage, I opted for a pre-game nap…after underestimating my tiddlies level, I slept approximately two hours longer than the original plan…after recognizing that I was on my couch and not Paula Patton’s as my dream had led me to believe, I went into quick preparation mode for the evening…also known as t-shirt, jeans and js…I share this seemingly meaningless paragraph of details to bring to life the lack of care that went into my appearance…

Luckily I arrived to my friend’s abode prior to the all important taboo team selection but I seemed to have missed the section of the night where everyone says their name through an interpretive chant and dance…as a true games participant I put aside my lack of social media linkage to 53% of the room and we jumped right into the game… Read more of this post

five steps to singledom…

The ubf staff…I can say staff even though we aren’t paid right…oh I shouldn’t tell you we don’t get paid…mea cupla…let’s start this again…ubf contributors tend to dole out recommendations for solving the various symptoms of singledom but over the life of this blog I have begun to wonder about two things: 1) what if not everyone is ready to kick their case of singledom…2) even if you were, why would you listen to a collection of individuals with their summer and winter homes residing firmly in singleville…

With that said, it seems we may have been ignoring an area of intrigue…what would be included in a recipe for solitary casserole?

Glad you asked…based on our extensive research, we find ourselves as not only members but high ranking officials in this field of dolo studies…per usual, we bring the food for thought but you have to do the dishes… Read more of this post

rules of the man crush…

There comes the times in every straight man’s life when he recognizes that he has an appreciation for certain aspects (non-sexual) of another man’s life…and if you are vigorously shaking your head no, you may have misplaced your homophobic medicine in that little closet of yours…it isn’t gay to give credit to another man’s choice in suits unless you are doing that after noticing it on your floor following a night of naked pitch and catch…

Many refer to this as a man crush…not to be confused with a bromance which is an entirely different topic on itself…for example, I have a man crush on Bradley Cooper…well let me make one point of clarification, I have a man crush on the characters that Bradley Cooper tends to play in movies…I couldn’t tell you how he actually lives in his normal day to day life given the lack of TMZ sightings or police reports but the guys his name is associated with in the closing credits always seem to be of the kind of person that you wouldn’t mind tagging in your facebook pictures following a weekend of foolery…as that is the true sign of male friendship…

The reasons male crushes are such a hush topic is that straight-straight  guys tend  to not want others to think they are gay, gay-straight guys tend to not want others to know they are gay and gay-gay guys tend to actually not care what others think especially those in the other two categories…

In an attempt to help those of us in the first category, I’ve come up with some rules for the man crush that should erase those fears…and they should be pretty easy to follow if you are in fact in the first category… Read more of this post

the jeter effect…

The homie sdotkikko brought this interesting interwebs link to my attention last week. Apparently someone over at The Sporting News got the genius idea to create an article of various images showing the highlights of Derek Jeter’s past conquests (or at least the celebrity ones that we know of as I’m sure there have been a few dimey waitresses/bottle servers/strippers that went unnoticed)…

Following a careful perusal (and 7 minutes of some alone time), I was left hating Jeter. It is one thing to be an athlete and have all your heart’s desires at your fingertips. But Mr. 3000 hits isn’t satisfied with that and feels the need to bed the majority of Maxim’s Top 100 Women list. It almost feels like a personal attack. The only way it could be worse is if he did it to my family tree…

After my hating spree ended, I began to think about how we as a society were even subjected to this. Aren’t athletes supposed to offset their silver spoon fed lives by making ridiculously poor decisions and then suffer through some sort of consequences that leave us commenting on their ignorance? We can probably just call it the Tiger condition at this point as I don’t see an athlete taking that title any time soon. But evidently DJ has some sort of antibiotic that makes him immune to this…

So if his cure works for athletes, then it probably has some application for those of us sitting in front of a computer on this fine Monday. Let’s think about how he has been able to do his best teflon impersonation… Read more of this post