why i drink fridays…7/30…

welcome to the weekend ubf’ers…this concludes another week of learning so it’s only right that we now get our lean on…here are a few things that we’ll be thinking about as we reach for our solo cups this evening…

+ to help channel my inner Paula Abdul for my new role replacing Ellen on American Idol…

+ to avoid arthritis in these knees preparing for my next half marathon…

+ it’s always the first step in drunk dialing… Read more of this post

ex-commitiholic…

Hello.

My name is onetrik and I’m a recovering relationship jumper.

Not familiar?

One that suffers from this condition is usually easy to identify. They are rarely (if ever) found without a significant other. In short, they treat gf/bfs like leases. As they near the end of the term, they’re out shopping for their next 36 month arrangement. Not to say all their relationships have ended because of another person, but their relationship status is like an iron with an auto shutoff feature that doesn’t work.

So now that you know what to look for, let’s talk about why you should avoid dating them (of course until they have received necessary treatment to overcome the affliction): Read more of this post

knowing is half the battle…

in our continuous quest to quench your insatiable thirst for manformation, we’ve once again pointed that new knowledge firehose in your direction…we’ve devised today’s post to let you know exactly where you stand on this totem pole of love…er lust…er male-female interaction…the worst thing that can happen is that you misunderstand your location and start acting as if you have girl scout badges that you have yet to ascertain…so here is a cheat sheet to help you figure out how we probably should be interacting and whether or not you should be waiting for something more…

the jump off – this first phase is one that we actually suggest you skip if you have any desire to ever reach real relationship status…it will probably be fun for both parties…and by both parties i mean me and my desire to have unattached cinemax sessions…

Read more of this post

there is no i in team…

Now elrock tried to warn you guys about leaving your ladies for these greener pastures but I know you aren’t going to listen. So the following is a little advice for lacing them up and re-joining the single team.

As all you gents of ubf know, it takes a team to reach ultimate success in competition. Navigating the mean streets of hollaville is no exception. No matter how “short bus” your swag, he that goes solo generally goes home with the same number of individuals. #fact

Because of this, most of you are quick to roll out with your pic (partner-in-crime) as a wing man, when there is actually a more efficient game plan. Word? Yes word.

As with most things, this isn’t new information but it hasn’t been captured in a blog entry in the last twelve hours from my quick google search so I’m here to deliver the message.

Before we get started, ubf ladies don’t shoot the messenger. Instead take the message and treat it like sunblock…rub it all over your body and hope it keeps you from getting burned. You may even want to thank the messenger for protecting your body with your body gratitude…but I’ll let you make that call.

Similar to the Miami Heat, you need to put together a team of all stars or whatever you can afford under your salary cap of friends. That’s right. It is time to channel those inner Pat Rileys you all have. Slick hair and linen suits my friends. Read more of this post

yeah my grass is green but…

“…now i’m in the club looking at other broads like I gave up home cooked meals for this ish…I gave up all them back rubs for this chick…”
– “too late for us” little brother

i’d like to take a moment to speak with those cats walking hand in hand with their lady friends through their green tinted pastures while continuously peering over at the patch of sod i currently call home…yes, i live the good life…i come and go as i please…i know a few ladies…some of them in a biblical sense…and when you see me and the homies in these streets, we are undoubtedly having more fun than you are…but when those club lights come on, them scales balance out a bit…this post is an open letter to those cats with good ladies by their sides…we love this single life we live, but there are a few downsides that you might want to consider before convincing yourself that my grass is greener than yours…
Read more of this post

why i drink fridays…7/23…

congratulations ubf…you’ve successfully navigated another gauntlet of work days and now it’s drinking time…what has us drinking this week…thought you’d never ask…

+ Obama signed that financial reform bill which means next round is on me…assuming there is a cognac clause…

+ because Lindsay Lohan can’t… Read more of this post

he’s cool…

That is one answer you may get but most answers will fall on the spectrum between the polite “Excuse me” to the less polite (yet more accurate) “Get the f**k outta here” depending on a complicated formula that involves my blood alcohol level and probability of you and I sharing some sexy time.

If you hadn’t guessed, I’m doing it jeopardy style with today’s post. Can you figure out the question?

I’ll wait…tic tock tic tock…

Ok I know. You don’t have all day and aren’t very good at reading minds so I’ll give you the question.

“Do you think [insert guy] is cute/attractive/handsome/etc.?” Read more of this post

on to the next one…

so…yesterday my partner in lines eloquently laid out the proper way to determine if you were actually on a date as opposed to a table guarding session…now let’s assume for a moment that the answer was yes…i’ll pause as you allow that excitement to seep in…yes…i know …yippee…i’m moving on now…so yeah…you’re on that date having a good time and you find your mind drifting forward to round 2…but to your dismay round 2 continuously calls in sick…and you’re left to figure out what happened…well it’s probably 1 of 2 things…you either really didn’t pay attention yesterday orrr…you broke one of the cardinal rules of 1st dates…i’m here today to put you in the best position to lock down date #2…and #3 and eventually that hotly contested divorce you’ve always wanted (i have to let my pessimism out to play periodically or he gets testy)…ladies and gentlemen…who’s ready for some list time…

Read more of this post

was that a date…

Over a plate of Jack N Jill’s mini blueberry muffins (these are no joke and should be murdered anytime you make it to LA), the question of what constitutes a date came up with a few of the homies.

The conversation started around the miscommunication of signs between suitors and suitees. After a few examples were discussed, I realized there isn’t really an agreed upon standard for when an encounter crosses over from casual meet-up to a full fledged date.

Being the maverick I am, I’ve developed a fail-proof system for whether or not it is a date or were you two just depositing carbon dioxide in the same vicinity.

For starters, this only applies to single people that are hanging out with other single people. All iterations of a committed person (I’ll leave it to you good people to determine if you are in a committed relationship…but we do know that isn’t your wife sir) will most likely not apply to any of this because committed people do weird things by the very nature of being committed (for example, date night…really you have to schedule a night to go out with your significant other like you would forget to do this in between all those trips to Home Depot and Bed, Bath, and Beyond??).

Secondly, I’m assuming the male in the situation has a job and therefore can afford a date. If not, then all bets are off and I hope the brother’s creative skills offset his lack of pay days.

With that out of the way, bring on the “that was a date” criteria: Read more of this post

there’ll be sad songs…

now we know how much you look forward to our wild salacious rants on the ills of dating, but we here at ubf also have a softer side (that we keep stored in a safe deposit box at the public national bank on 116th and madison)…and as much as it pains us to discuss the breakups that you ladies will undoubtedly cause…we do understand that these breakups are inevitable…so today we’ve decided to take a break from discussing how you cause them and focus more on one small aspect of the heart recovery  process…those songs that  help us to make sense out of it all…so after consulting with a group of current and former heartbreakers, we were able to compile this list of tracks designed to console the breakee (us) while also bashing the breaker (that’s you)…so without further ado…here are the top 10 break up tracks (listed in order of tear value)…with one to grow on… Read more of this post