random relations…the inaugural voyage…

Thanks to David Stern’s affinity for 50% instead of 48%, I found myself watching a mediocre sitcom this week. One of the characters found himself struggling with the internal battle of partaking in meaningless coitus with another female character. This not so great entertainment brought back memories of my first foray into those same non-committed belly smacking waters…

As always, let’s make sure we are on the same page with a creatively worded yet slight vague definition of what makes relations random. The ingredients tend to include: two individuals extremely attracted to each other sometimes unbeknownst to the male + jack daniels + nighttime + some date related activity + jack daniels + no previous knowledge of birthmarks hidden by undergarments + limited conversation to reveal shortcomings/deal breakers + jack daniels…

While I’m not going to divulge how long ago this took place to protect those incriminated, it did happen during my days of needing to check the expiration date of my emergency prophylactic stash because as the always in a relationship guy, I tended to spend my non boo’d time as an avatar alien in my shorts.  Lucky for my loins, those periods of time were usually relatively short…

With that setup, it is time to grab your favorite salty snack for story time…I’ll wait… Read more of this post

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why i drink fridays…9/16…

 welcome to the weekend because if you are reading this then you’ve already mentally checked out of your job…the ubf crew decided that since elrock finally rejoined the work force and onetrik has yet to win a paternity test, we should celebrate by bringing back #whyidrink fridays…feel free to pile on your adds in the comments section but in the meantime let’s get started with what has us drinking this weekend…

+ found a surprise drinking buddy when fall showed up unannounced and quite frankly unappreciated in nyc today…

+on payday i like to take my check straight to the liquor store, ever bottle purchased is a worthwhile investment some future bad idea/tweet…

+ i need something to pour out when my phone dies…again…come on iPhone 5… Read more of this post

what’s my name…

Around a year ago, I was tapping away on this very same keyboard trying to convince elrock that calling the blog us, alcohol and mishaps was a good idea. Thanks to that url being unavailable and him convincing me otherwise we ended up with ubf. While good for the blog, it doesn’t mean I can’t still share the stories that led me to consider that less than friendly google search heading. So let’s dive into the memories vault and see what we can come up with…

This story took place a few years ago but I’m pretty sure the message is still mildly entertaining to those not involved. We should start with setting the scene…I fond myself on a business trip to the windy city for an annual celebration of the company’s well doings from the previous year. Said another way, co-workers were converging on the same city to race to see who could provide the others with alcohol induced ridicule worthy material faster (Aside: Now you can see why I love my job). Given your guy’s propensity for good natured competition sponsored by Jack Daniels, I was ready for the good times to show up…

To add to this eventual remorse cocktail, one of my co-workers sent me the following text:

Him: “I have a friend with big boobs that would probably like you. Are you in?”

Me: “In.” Read more of this post

the whiskey effect…

As has become a weekly tradition, I spent my Monday telling myself that I would never again spend the weekend consuming mind altering amounts of liquor. As a contributor to a blog with alcoholic containers in the title, you may ask why would I even consider depriving myself of the good times juice. While the hangover is less than desirable when trying to look competent at the day gig, they aren’t the primary culprit of my weekly regret. The real reason for conjuring up needed life changes (that are coincidently forgotten by the time Wednesday happy hour rolls around) is the associated drunk logic that overrides my usual good home training…

Now this inebriated thought process is different based on the individual but the consistent theme is that you’ll normally wake up owing yourself, friends, significant other, bondsmen, judge and/or baby jesus a heartfelt ‘my bad’. For the more responsible of you not familiar with these perils of questionable decision making, I have decided to share some of my better moments as they were told to me through sober friends, text messages and pictures in an attempt to help you learn from my mistakes… Read more of this post

study long study wrong…

The studious ubf readers are well aware of my stance on lifetime dibs in the dating game and therefore don’t require any pre-reading. For those of you not as well read and needing a refresher, take a quick look at this post

Regardless of my well constructed argument, it seems there are some wet blankets still amongst us holding fast to their rules of not letting you run through…I mean become acquainted with the crew. Given the unlikely chance of these two opposing sides ever agreeing, I’m dedicating the next 17 minutes to solving this once and for all…

The following guidelines will help you determine which member of the crew is most deserving of your best hollerage with out the nasty side effects of choosing the wrong one first and being endlessly male chicken blocked going forward… Read more of this post

the holla scale…

The ubf contingency is all about you leaving here with more knowledge than you came with or worst case scenario an 8×10 mental image of one of us in our draws (see what I just did there). So today I’m happy to present you with a small nugget that dawned on me the other day.

I was making the normal trek home from the job to the crib when I passed by a bus stop. At first glance, It appeared this bus stop was no different on this particular day as it featured the same bag lady with not-so-good posture, the guy holding the sign asking for beer contributions and the man that carries two lawn chairs everywhere (no idea why as I’ve never stopped to ask). However, there was actually one minor thing that stuck out to me…a potential dime piece. I say potential because my mind instantly took what would have been a certified 10 in a usual bar/grocery store/swingers meeting scenario and downgraded her to a 7 and a possible. Now I’ll admit it was largely due to my ingrained hatred for public transportation but it lead me to wonder about other times my mind is re-assigning ‘she can get it’ values all willy nilly based on surrounding data. Read more of this post

time to give some thanks…

tomorrow is the day we all gather around family laden feasting tables across this great country of ours to engage in the annual calorie consumption contest known as thanksgiving…between the greasy goodness and the series of itis induced head nods, we’ll spend time thanking whomever we thank for whatever we have…

with that in mind, i thought it only right that i spend today’s post doing my best drunk uncle impression giving thanks for all those things that are currently taking up space in my basket o’ happiness…

on this day her are all the things i am thankful for…

– onetrik for making sure there are never any light skinned ladies left when i show up…

– lolita for her perky boobs and nice @ss fresh provocative female perspective…
Read more of this post

inquiring minds want to know…

a while back the homie shineygreen stopped through and dropped off a large parcel of knowledge…and although i found it quite entertaining, there were still a few questions that went unanswered…we have since brought in our own in house expert to address such issues and make pancakes…given the recent problems caused by the latter, we’ve decided to give her the day off to attend a cast iron skillet care class…in her absence, we’ve decided to bring forward some more things that women do that we still don’t quite understand…

most of these are true about every female on the planet slight generalizations, but we thought that by throwing them out to the masses, we may be able to glean a little extra knowledge about how to score easier the female brain works…release the list… Read more of this post

where babies come from…

Based on my twitter feed extensive research, some ladies (and a few fellows) are not quite clear on how kids are made and therefore making the mistake of engaging in horizontal calisthenics with douchebags less than desirable gene donors. In essence, they are playing contraceptive craps…or crabs depending on the partner…and then getting their feelings hurt when they roll 7 and find their return on the bet to be less than optimal.

While we may live in a world where getting your Cromartie on feels better 99.9% doesn’t equal every time, it would be my assumption that there is a bigger issue at play here. As an adult…read as someone who no longer lives with the parentals and is responsible for feeding themselves for 2 out of 3 daily meals…why on earth would you trade DNA with someone in the bottom 50th percentile? If you even have a small feeling that the person A) attended the Britney Spears’ school of parenting; B) perpetually keeps on sneakers to run from any situation that would require any responsibility lasting longer than 7 minutes; C) has any characteristic that evolution has yet to eradicate you’d regret passing on to your children; D) All of the above, you should do your best AC Green impression.

But for the sake of a blog post argument, let us consider what could possibly be going through your head: Read more of this post

it was over when…

my apologies if i seem a little amped today…this weekend my beloved arkansas razorbacks (don’t judge me…i was born into it) scored their first road victory in 2 years…as customary when my team wins, i scoured the internet for varying descriptions of how they were able to pull off the victory…when they lose, i prepare 2 shots of jack…i pour one down my throat and pour the other one on my modem…

the first stop on this internet tour is usually espn.com…they always provide a snapshot of every major game that occurred that weekend…calling out the top performers, quoting some obscure stat from the game and providing their “it was over when” moment…they use that last section to highlight the play that essentially put the game out of reach for the losers…of course it’s a lot Read more of this post