baby bucket list…

Would you agree that the onset of miniature people incapable of fending for themselves attached to those people we know is happening at an alarming rate?

Now we could argue that we are at that age…or that married people can only go to applebees so many times before they get bored…or that the world’s future depends on procreation…no matter the reason there are still things that everyone needs to do before they step up to the dna slot machine with a partner, put in their coin and hope for the best…

I present to you the two times certified ubf list of things to do before turning in your ‘I don’t have kids’ pendant:

+ Travel via planes often…the combination of cost, limited free hands, stranger dirty looks and TSA probing will restrict all of your travel destinations to within an iPhone’s battery life of a road trip when the little booger monster is involved…

+ Be careless with your porn…right now it is cool to hide your go to site in a nested bookmark on that browser that doesn’t have an icon on the desktop or to stash a few dvds/mags in a shoe box amongst your real sneaker collection. But no hiding tactic is fail proof with ankle biters in the house. They will not only find it but conveniently take the contraband to your wife therefore committing porn-icide on your behalf…

pay to play…

I come from the school of thought that in the early stages of dating the financial backing for said experiences should be funded by the wallet closest to balls. Now you can argue how advances in bra technology and the invention of the nanny make this a somewhat antiquated view point, but I would rebuttal with the varying differences in the quality of women that side with me vs you as the final verdict on who is right.

With that agreed upon, there is a certain level of monetary resources needed to determine whether the woman you managed to convince the full phone number out of is indeed in the mrs. right running. By no means is this a campaign for ‘trick if you got’, it is actually more of a ‘how to’ on avoiding the ‘broke dude’ title she references in her facebook status later that night.

The following simple worksheet will help determine if you can afford a real date or should be relegated to endless text messaging from your couch. You may want to grab a pen and paper to jot down a few calculations.

decoded…

This just in: Men and Women’s expectations may not always align.

Actually they never align as I re-discovered in a conversation this past weekend with one of the homiettes.  In an attempt to put her business out there get everyone up to speed, she and an interested fellow (that happens to live in a different city) found themselves discussing logistics for a potential let’s see if you really look like those text pics meet-up visit in her city. Being the gracious (and naïve) host, she offered her humble lodgings as a resting place for him and his finest carry-on luggage. In the female mind (from what I’ve been made aware), the offer makes sense as how could you expect a visitor to spend his good Applebee’s money to stay in a hotel after flying across the country. However in the male mind, the offer alludes to the potential for some good ole fashioned buck-e-nekkid tussling.

Enter mismatch expectations and their friend, frustration (in this case sea color spheres).

Luckily our conversation was able to pre-empt any unexpected backed up pipes but it made me realize that I couldn’t possibly reach all of you ladies (I’ve tried) in time to prevent future instances. Hence going to the interwebs with a blog post.