random relations…the inaugural voyage…

Thanks to David Stern’s affinity for 50% instead of 48%, I found myself watching a mediocre sitcom this week. One of the characters found himself struggling with the internal battle of partaking in meaningless coitus with another female character. This not so great entertainment brought back memories of my first foray into those same non-committed belly smacking waters…

As always, let’s make sure we are on the same page with a creatively worded yet slight vague definition of what makes relations random. The ingredients tend to include: two individuals extremely attracted to each other sometimes unbeknownst to the male + jack daniels + nighttime + some date related activity + jack daniels + no previous knowledge of birthmarks hidden by undergarments + limited conversation to reveal shortcomings/deal breakers + jack daniels…

While I’m not going to divulge how long ago this took place to protect those incriminated, it did happen during my days of needing to check the expiration date of my emergency prophylactic stash because as the always in a relationship guy, I tended to spend my non boo’d time as an avatar alien in my shorts.  Lucky for my loins, those periods of time were usually relatively short…

With that setup, it is time to grab your favorite salty snack for story time…I’ll wait…

met my match…nyc edition…

As I mentioned last week, good times were had recently in the city that never sleeps. It took me about a week to filter through them to identify which story would be a) worthy of a few hundred words b) not be able to be used against me in a court of law. One particular encounter that made it through this filter seemed to bubble to the top. So grab your favorite beverage…adult variety if you see fit…and let story time begin…

Before we jump in, don’t let the title fool you as I did not meet my match in the match.com manner but instead my match in terms of someone resilient to what we’ve affectionately come to call charm school. Now I’m not saying that everyone falls victim to my irresistible charms, as a few (maybe many as my memory is poor) have decided to opt out during the registration process. What made this particular interaction of note was that she didn’t ask to be excused from the class but instead grabbed the chalk and decided the course would be student lead…

As a bit of background, the group of homies found ourselves in a bar for an annual life celebration of a homiette…shouts to all the indecisive libras out there…It was a low key bar setup with music playing in the background while drinks were consumed at varying frequency levels. Those that know me can guesstimate that my levels were near the top of the leaderboards. During one of my every six minute scans of the surroundings, a certain young lady that seemed to be dolo at the bar caught my attention. She was dressed casually in a loose top and shorts that gave way to the kind of legs that looked good enough to be on a kfc menu. She was strikingly attractive with hints of multiple races that led me to thank my lucky starts for the end of segregation back in the day…

why i drink…9/30…

summer is done and so are most of our vacation days…instead of adding layers we like to spend more time with the bottle and here are a few excuses…we mean reasons for indulging in the questionable life choices juice…

+ pulling up behind driver with what seemed to be amazing and long hair to realize it is a dude and having to instantly change my holla eyes into needing directions eyes…

+ not only did someone make a ‘is my son gay’ app but someone actually paid to download it…

+ a week away from running 13.1 miles while a stranger holds a stop watch and onlookers (not running) hold up signs with mildly humorous one liners for inspiration…

y’all broke up…and he doesn’t care…

look at him over there on his own facebook page with his drink, his 2-step and his flock o’ floozies…bastard…how could he possibly be out there having this much fun with the stench of the break up conversation still floating through the air…it’s like he never really cared at all…

because he didn’t…

ok…i’m just playing…he did…and he probably still does…but the way in which he expresses it will show up in forms that are not easily recognized my the female mind…

as we’ve mentioned here a few times(read as every other day or so) men and women wired a little differently…women tend to see a break up as a time to:

not just another garden tool…

The ubf fellows took to the streets of nyc this past weekend and as always the good times commenced. I’ll get to some of those good times in my next posts but right now I need to spend the next few days cleaning myself of mouth herpes (learned that evidently somewhere between 65-90% of people have it and I’m venturing a guess I’m not in the talented tenth on this one) and other commonly spread epidemics that you get from public transportation…

During one of our pre-awesome sessions with the homies, we stumbled onto a gem of a topic…hoes…

It started with first defining what makes a person a hoe…it was no surprise we had countless different answers and feelings towards those exhibiting hoe tendencies…here are a few of the opinions on you might be a haeux if…

attack of the body art…

it has often been said that tattoos are like posturpedic partners…they are permanent and once you get too many of them, people start to call you loose…ok…well maybe it hasn’t been said that often and i, for one, believe that this is part of the problem…

let me start by saying, i am actually a fan of a little female body art…the key word in there being “little”…i can’t count the number of times i’ve been pleasantly surprised by some well placed decorative ink sprinkled about the torso…oh wait…when i say it like that it makes me sound promiscuous…so yes i can count and the number is 4 (because that sounds pretty low)…but i can also count those times when i was surprised by a full set of bat wings or the entire 2^nd verse to wind beneath my wings (and it was only partially beneath her wing)…

this has lead me to believe that some additional tattoo etiquette education may be in order…and giving our insatiable need to educate the public on topics that they have no desire to learn, here are a few things you can do to keep from looking like weezy in your nighty…

why i drink…9/23…

we find ourselves on the cusp of another weekend and what better way to get it started than a round of reasons to have a few rounds of your favorite liquid bad decision enablers…

+ gas pump turned off not because my car was full but because I didn’t have enough in my bank account…

+ evidently forbes mag predicted the first hip hop billionaire and it wasn’t me…

+ makes my judgmental ways more entertaining…

for the love of ray j…

I was all set to tackle an all important issue like why breast implants are never a bad idea with today’s post but the large amounts of #tougherthanrayj tweets made me realize that I had to devote today’s rant to the vh1s second favorite little black man…

For those of you unfamiliar with willie junior, here is a quick rundown…best known as the real life little brother of moesha aka brandy…not as well known is that he is also the first cousin to calvin broadus aka snoop dogg…but his biggest claim to fame (or infamy) is still being responsible for kim kardashian…not in the birthing sense but more in the I saw your sex tape so now I want to buy sketchers that you endorse sense…

Well evidently he wasn’t too appreciative of ms kardashian’s continual upstaging of him so he decided to go the rapper route and do something that gets the po-po called for attention…insert the guinness world record for the first ever celebrity twitter-fued with an actual rapper, fabolous (his spelling not mine), that led to a real world fisticuffs …now there are plenty of reports going around about what really happened during this altercation in vegas so we won’t waste any of your precious time on that stuff…we’ll let google handle that for us…

Instead for your entertainment purposes I’d like to talk about how poorly thought out this display of machismo by ray j really was…I know what you are thinking…any man that is horizontally acquainted with a post ’98 whitney houston after bedding kim k should only be allowed to wear velcro shoes and jackets that let him hug himself really hard…while you are correct, but let’s assume for argument’s sake that he wasn’t short on common sense in addition to height…

if i should die tonight…

be ye not afraid (that’s bible talk) for this post is not nearly as morbid as the title makes it sound…i was simply sitting around examining my 99% unpacked apartment and started honing in on some  odd patterns that i’ve established as i’ve bounced from domicile to domicile…a few things that would make any MIB clean up crew scratch their heads in the event that i was ever abducting by aliens or something…

my stash of single socks…yes, in my sock drawer there is an area designated for my divorced socks…everyone knows that some where between the rinse cycle and the tumble dry, socks have a tendency to escape through some sort of underground garment railroad…well, although i’ve submitted more than my fair share of individual change of address forms, i somehow have it stuck in my mind that my single socks will one day return to their rightful owner…granted…to this date i am 0 for every sock i‘ve ever lost but i still keep the stupidity  faith…

why i drink fridays…9/16…

 welcome to the weekend because if you are reading this then you’ve already mentally checked out of your job…the ubf crew decided that since elrock finally rejoined the work force and onetrik has yet to win a paternity test, we should celebrate by bringing back #whyidrink fridays…feel free to pile on your adds in the comments section but in the meantime let’s get started with what has us drinking this weekend…

+ found a surprise drinking buddy when fall showed up unannounced and quite frankly unappreciated in nyc today…

+on payday i like to take my check straight to the liquor store, ever bottle purchased is a worthwhile investment some future bad idea/tweet…

+ i need something to pour out when my phone dies…again…come on iPhone 5…