for the love of ray j…

I was all set to tackle an all important issue like why breast implants are never a bad idea with today’s post but the large amounts of #tougherthanrayj tweets made me realize that I had to devote today’s rant to the vh1s second favorite little black man…

For those of you unfamiliar with willie junior, here is a quick rundown…best known as the real life little brother of moesha aka brandy…not as well known is that he is also the first cousin to calvin broadus aka snoop dogg…but his biggest claim to fame (or infamy) is still being responsible for kim kardashian…not in the birthing sense but more in the I saw your sex tape so now I want to buy sketchers that you endorse sense…

Well evidently he wasn’t too appreciative of ms kardashian’s continual upstaging of him so he decided to go the rapper route and do something that gets the po-po called for attention…insert the guinness world record for the first ever celebrity twitter-fued with an actual rapper, fabolous (his spelling not mine), that led to a real world fisticuffs …now there are plenty of reports going around about what really happened during this altercation in vegas so we won’t waste any of your precious time on that stuff…we’ll let google handle that for us…

Instead for your entertainment purposes I’d like to talk about how poorly thought out this display of machismo by ray j really was…I know what you are thinking…any man that is horizontally acquainted with a post ’98 whitney houston after bedding kim k should only be allowed to wear velcro shoes and jackets that let him hug himself really hard…while you are correct, but let’s assume for argument’s sake that he wasn’t short on common sense in addition to height… Read more of this post

when you know you know…

“How did you know he/she was the one?” It’s a question that comes up every time anyone gets engaged. And the inevitable answer? “When you know, you know.”  (I’m waiting to hear Ms. Kardashian soon to be Humphries repeat this very phrase in her next interview…so I can sue her for…something.) What does that mean? Are we to believe that in the land of a 50% divorce success rate (and growing) that people really just magically fall into the perfect person and immediately recognize it? That one day you will be cruising down 5th avenue and see your future boonopolis in happily never after across the street and just know?

Or then there is the “He is different from any other man I’ve ever known.” This one always sounded the most ridiculous to me because…well…not to make an overarching statement…but… well, yeah I’ll go ahead and generalize for kicks…Most men are more alike than different.  Read more of this post

I think I want to marry you…

By now you have no doubt heard the news that Kris Humphries has taken one for the team and offered up his free to smash lifestyle as a professional athlete in exchange for the championship inducing cakes of one Kim Kardashian. Congrats to your 2012 NBA Champion Brooklyn…err…New Jersey Nets…

After a whopping six months of front row seat loss viewing, paparazzi dodging and endless vacationing, the couple is now engaged and headed to be joined in happily until-you-bore-me-to-death matrimony…moment of silence for those of you still holding on to your ‘Kim K’s boo’ raffle tickets. Now I’m not here to say they won’t work out long term, but I wouldn’t run out and buy those new Humphries-Kardashian Nets’ jerseys (however you may want to store his name away as it will probably resurface as a double jeopardy clue in about 5-7 years). I’m also not going to touch on the whole you can’t turn a morally loose jezebel into an upstanding housewife not found on VH1…as I’m sure more righteous bloggers will beat the weave off of that horse…

However, their rather quick transition from strangers to fiancés led me to wonder what would cause me to lose my mind and recognize ‘miss right now’ was actually worthy of losing the ‘now’ before a season of American Idol crowns a champion… Read more of this post

for the love of the game…

Earlier this week, I was traveling for the day gig and decided against the anti-social route of room service and made my way to a local bar for a bite and drinks. It just so happened that the women’s ncaa national title basketball game was the headline sporting event on this evening so I found myself bouncing between watching the game and taking in awkward conversation with those sitting next to me (of note, the cougar who purchased an entire bottle of wine for herself was quite entertaining and inquisitive).

While it was obvious to all watching that the women’s game was way better basketball than the men’s game the night before, I actually had an additional takeaway…some of these chics not only had their hair did (not to be confused with doing their hair) but also were able to keep it put together through the 40 minutes of game time. Now as elrock can tell you, it is hard to keep a fade looking fresh when running from power forward-esque females in the club for 10 minutes. So I was blown away by Skylar Diggins’ ability to keep her ‘do fresh throughout the game even in a losing effort because of a frequent excuse I’ve been given by the sisters with regards to physical activity…

“I can’t work out because of my hair…” Read more of this post

why we’re not married…

A male friend of mine sent me this article that’s been blowing up the blogosphere and wanted my opinion. For those of you too lazy busy to read it, it is a list of reasons why women such as yourself are not married. Oh yeah- and it’s also talking about me, too.  You will be surprised to know that I completely agree with Ms. McMillan’s higher level points- she’s 100% spot on about unmarried women like me. And since she’s been married a whopping three times, I think she knows a bit about what it takes to make it down the aisle. Allow me to break down the finer points:

1.       I’m a Bitch – She is absolutely right. I do get angry. I don’t think that’s a surprise to anyone who reads this blog. I never get angry without a reason, but I definitely display my displeasure when crossed.  If somebody wrongs me, am I’m supposed to take the “high road” and just be  quiet? Or as she suggested: I should pull a Kim Kardashian and ‘smile, wiggle and make a sex tape’. Although, last time I checked, Kim’s not married either so I guess that’s not the appropriate reaction after all.  Read more of this post

you think you know…

I am always surprised when men tell me about women.  As I pretended to be was watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, I decided to share some of the gems my male buddies threw out there during commercial breaks and halftime as “knowledge” with the readers of UBF. Allow me to swiftly shut them down. Without further ado…

–        We have issues with all other females – false. We have issues with other females that are, were or could potentially be involved with you. We also aren’t huge fans of women that you fantasize about. (That means you crazy berry)

–        We are all insecure about how our man perceives our bodies – also false. By the time a woman reaches a certain age, she is much more inclined to have a take it or leave it attitude about getting naked in front of her dude. Either he likes it or he doesn’t. It’s safe to say if you like one part of our bodies, you won’t mind seeing it sans distracting materials. Otherwise you wouldn’t be trying so hard to see us without clothes. And we know that. Read more of this post

you get what you pay for….

This weekend was classic UBF research. The girls and I took a break from our respective lives to meet up and mingle. As a frequent flier of socializing, I’ve always noticed that men are more inclined to approach the women that are the most “Done up”. Hair done, nails done, everything did- The Fancy ones. Interestingly enough, our respective QBs tell us that we are at our most beautiful without make up first thing in the morning. Am I really supposed to believe that?

I often engage in banter with Onetrik regarding his decision to parlay in the city of milk and fake honeys, but this weekend I was once again reminded of how silicone “Enhancements” are the new black. Having lived in Southern California before, I am very familiar with the high levels of Botox, silicone and Restylane invading the masses of “Average, Everyday” women.  This has filtered into New York and now “Fake” is the equivalent of the city girl’s little black dress. Everyone has one in their closet. Personally, I refuse to give a comment one way or the other on how I feel about all this in regards to women other than myself:  In the end, I do not date women so my opinion on the topic is 100% invalid. However, I’ve noticed an increasing amount of men and women focusing on their dislike of all things fake. For the women who are straight making this negative commentary about women who look better than you random women at the club or grocery store, I can’t help but wonder why you care again, your hatred of it doesn’t count.

For the men- I feel you. If I were a man, I’m not sure I could hang either. As a woman I imagine rubbing my man’s head only to find out that’s not really his head. Grabbing his biceps and realizing they are implants. Taking off his pants for sexy times and discovering that he has a prosthetic enhancement. When you look at it that way…well- That would be disturbing! I think we all remember the episode on Fresh Prince of Bel Air where Will ends up dating a girl with Fake… Everything. (If you are in a hurry, skip to the 3:33 mark). It’s reasonable for some one to expect that the woman they go to bed with looks about the same the following morning. And the day after. And the day after that… Read more of this post

baby got back…

*****This post is in honor of National Ass Day…which was yesterday…which also happens to be Kim Kardashian and Amber Rose’s shared birthday.*****

“I like big butts and I can not lie…”

This gem of a song just so happened to be on the first album (actually was a tape for those of you from the iPod generation) I ever purchased back in ‘92. At the time, I thought I was simply getting over on unsuspecting mama onetrik for not quite noticing that hater parental advisory sticker in the bottom right corner. Don’t judge her as I was manipulative adorable back then too. Little did I know, that song would go on to create a life long condition I have been afflicted with.

I am a derriere connoisseur…a booty man in less French terms. Read more of this post

make your list and chunk it twice…

have you ever gone to the grocery store with the intention of buying a box of condoms one thing and emerged 43 minutes later with an unplanned pregnancy everything but that one thing that prompted the trip…go ahead and nod vigorously…we’re not here to judge…but, what would be even worse (read as judge worthy)…have you ever gone in with a well thought out list and emerged with the exact opposite(assuming there is a such thing as an opposite grocery)…i mean getting twinkies instead of carrots, boones farm instead of prune juice or coke instead of crystal meth pure spring-ish bottled tap water…sounds crazy right…well then answer me this…why do we do it in our dating lives…is it perhaps our desire to pursue what we really want vs. what we think we need…i’ll give you a second to reflect on how deep i just came… Read more of this post

california love…or not…

“LA has changed you. I’m glad I met you when you first got there.”

Those lovely words greeted me in an IM this week from a friend that has known me since my joyous exodus from the midwest to the west side. I did my best not to go all Drake sensitive on her by not responding with the classy and always timely…ya momma.

Once I stopped to think about it though, she was actually right. However, I’m not sure she fully knew how right she was.

On the surface there are a number of easy things she could have witnessed changing during my left coast tenure: Read more of this post