the real 5 friends every woman should have…

As normal, I spent the evening (in between sips of jack daniels honey of course) perusing various internet locals looking for inspiration for this here post…a few clicks in and I found myself in a very unlikely place…Oprah.com…

Now don’t get me wrong, I for damn sure would take a new car from Sofia (or her media properties) but when it comes to advice I’m going to stick to fortune cookies and twitter trending topics….but the title of this specific article caught my interest so I gave it a quick read…feel free to go do the same…

“5 friends every woman should have”

I’m not trying to say women shouldn’t be giving each other advice on what type of friends they should have…no wait actually I am…I’ve collected approximately 73 data samples that have told me that the average (emphasis on this word average) woman does in fact not know how to select her own friends…only 13.6% of all women between the ages of 18-35 have successfully chosen the appropriate friends…truly sad I know…for those scoring at home, you may have guessed that all of these numbers have been pulled from a place that doesn’t see much sun…and you are correct… Read more of this post

a few reasons to leave your sand at home…

on a recent visit to a place that plays music, serves  drinks and encourages overt flirting, i found myself accidentally exchanging pleasantries with an attractive seemingly unattached attendee…

i pretended she was interesting and she pretended i was funny until eventually she told me that i looked like someone who would have a self portrait as my phone screen saver…in a rush to quell the character coup, i quickly retrieved the trusty iphone and presented it to her…she then proceeded to enter her name and number with a polite request that i not let that information go to waste…

yes…i was phone raped…don’t laugh…this could happen to you…but the story doesn’t stop there…about 12 minutes later, a dude shows up and kisses her square in her eating orifice…she then introduces me as her good friend elrock…he daps me up and they escape to a quieter corner… Read more of this post

come up off those digits…

Ok maybe that isn’t quite how you normally get them but whatever your go to phrase may be you leave with a new entrant in your phone…saved as [first name] [place you met them]…

Now my question is why?

Assuming this is not someone you knew previously or were mistakenly hooked up with through a mutual friend*, you felt compelled enough from your first encounter to actively pursue a follow-up exchange over mobile phone airwaves…well in a logical world that would be the case…but we don’t seem to inhabit that logical world…as I’ve been made aware of an increase in the number of folks exchanging actual real  ten digit sequences tied to their pocket hardware with no accompanying real intentions of a) ever using them or b) replying to correspondence from the other person…

This isn’t just a lame dude or stuck up chic thing either…it seems good ole tax paying daters are out there performing this very act on a semi-regular basis…I mean people that I call facebook friends are doing it which to me means enough is enough and we need to draw the line… Read more of this post

those guys abroad pt 2: return of the maegi…

a couple days ago onetrik offered up his verbal photo album of our trip across the pond…i thought it was only right that i offer up my own slightly less entertaining version of that same excursion…terms you should probably re-familiarize yourself with: mouth smash, maegi and water…as i know most of our followers prefer beverages with higher alcoholic contents…

where should i begin…how about at the atl airport where i stood dumbfounded as the usairways check in agent just disappeared with my id and boarding pass for 33 minutes sans explanation only to re-emerge to let me know my flight had been cancelled…thus leaving the homie onetrik twirling dolo out there in that lisbon breeze…24 hrs later i had a more successful encounter with the darker side of hartsfield international and i was on my way to lisbon…

some may ask how lisbon even made the list…and i would tell you to go here …and don’t worry…it’s not hell… Read more of this post

those guys go abroad: the true story of smoochie norris…

As regular ubf readers gathered over the past week and a half, we took the blog research global…and by global I mean we exchanged dollars for euros, diet cokes for coke lights, hollas for holas, ray bans for ray beris and so on…

First and foremost, I am happy to report that we survived the excursion (more on how that seemed not likely to happen in a bit) and kept a few handy dandy notes to recap for those of you that enjoy hearing of our foolery…

After a week’s worth of preplanning, a normal person would not be surprised with the circumstances we encountered…but given our specialness we were not only surprised by the following but quite perplexed at times on how to actually overcome the conundrums:

+ the communication gap…not being able to find a common language with which to exchange thoughts is a bit of a blower…my first meal nearly didn’t happen as my one language having self couldn’t explain to the waitress that I simply wanted a carne asada sandwich which was labeled carne asada…the one upside here that our frequent use of terms like donk also didn’t breakthrough which means that ebonics don’t carry as much weight over there so maybe rap music/videos haven’t completely ruined the world’s perception of black American men…then again… Read more of this post

hell must be like this…

based on some of the activities i have engaged in over the last 30+ years week or so, i am afraid that my judgment day will quickly evolve into a “what had happened was” fest with st. petey and the bouncers at club heaven…one that eventually will not work out in my favor…

now i’ve heard that god prefers endless flames as his chosen method for eternal punishment…and i am not talking about 16 bars from weezy…who am i to really question the creators tactics…but given that he knows my heart…and is somewhat responsible for my ability to write this post today, i’ll assume that he may allow me a little leeway in questioning the method just a little…

now as painful as an eternal bubble bath in kingsford charcoal’s finest briquettes may sound…i believe there may be a few other candidates the big guys should consider dishing out to my lost torment-able soul… Read more of this post

i now pronounce you husband and…husband…

ubf…what it do…we are just a few days into our european excursion and i already miss u guys…although i’ve been checked out of the us news cycle for a couple weeks (decided to check out a few weeks before i left so i could focus more time on not learning any of the languages of the countries we were going to visit…) i did notice a few things…

i see the republicans and democrats are getting along about as well as the pre and really post truce crips and bloods…ahh…i missed the 90’s…

we launched the last mission for the space shuttle atlantis…meaning that in a few years there’ll be a government abandoned space shuttle rolling around some hood on dubs or under some tree while its new owner promises his wife that as soon as june comes through with that alternator, it will be a piece of ish as good as new…
and finally…in a move that caused republican evangelists’ heads to explode all over the country…ny decided to let folks with the same hardware share the same last name… Read more of this post

when no doesn’t mean no…

No. I’m not here to talk about that kind of no…today at least…

While boarding a plane last week, I made it to my row to find an empty slot in the overhead space for my carry-on therefore defeating the airlines attempt at tricking me into losing my luggage. However in a goldilocks and the three bears scenario, I did find an older foreign women sitting rather comfortably in the seat conveniently located on my boarding pass…

Given I was traveling for the day gig, I opted to not go the rather ethnic ‘seat check’ route and instead try to decipher why she felt the need to personally warm my seat. Her reply was not very helpful (or audible) as she merely grabbed for her knee. Seeing that she was sitting next to a man that appeared to be at best her husband and at worst her pimp, I decided to ask him to help solve this row 20 seat mystery. He offering at least some form of a verbal response answered in a language not familiar to my ears nor found on any taco bell menu my eyes have seen…

My next act was to ask for their boarding passes to overcome this apparent communication gap. As I had suspected, they were assigned the window and middle seat vs my aisle seat. After trying to again explain this to them, she continued to direct me to her knee. This made me realize that her legs were somehow allergic to every seat not found under her back end at that moment and she was now expecting me to trade with her…

[insert dilemma] Read more of this post

pre-hangover…

I normally come to you fine folks of ubf with stories filled with follies and conquests but today I’m mixing things up a bit. You see someone (obviously not in their right mind) approved a meeting of the minds between elrock, sdotkikko (silent ubf contributor) and myself in some of europe’s hottest locals. Yes you read that correctly. We will be gallivanting across the likes of Lisbon, Barcelona, Ibiza and Amsterdam over the next 10 days. We are actually in the air as you read this…

Given how much love the ubf fam (and eventual groupies…we know you are on the way) shows us, I decided to not make you wait until the end of our excursion to read about the goings-ons. Based on past experiences, I’m going to go ahead and predict a few things that will happen over the next 10 days or so… Read more of this post

if only i knew then what i know now…

greetings ubf siblings and play cousins…i did as many of you did this weekend and finger rolled my little change into the pockets of michael bay and steven spielberg while simultaneously tossing my mannish glances at the pouty lipped rosie huntington-whitey…i mean whiteley…as i exited the theater, 2 distinct thoughts battled for frontal lobe dominance…thought (a)…aka the one that probably won’t relate this post…3d movies really make my head hurt…and the infinitely more important thought…who would’ve figured that some 20+ years after i unwrapped my first transformer to the ever popular toy unwrapping soundtrack of sade’s smooth operator that i would still be out spending my precious allowance on these dudes…err…robots…

more importantly, had i known to not unwrap that toy and just tuck it away with my stash of vintage black tale magazines and those jimmy helmets (that curiosity unwrapped for me), i may’ve been able to extract additional riches from some nostalgic smuck…this may’ve allowed me to purchase a few kernels of buttered hypertension to enjoy during the show…

as has become customary with all of my random thoughts since 6/1/10, i decided to team it up with some of its closest random thought friends to formulate this list of all the important things i would tell my prepubescent self should michael j. fox ever offer up the shotgun seat in his delorean…
Read more of this post