baby beyonce and other tales of disappointment…

this can’t be happening…i, like many others sat Indian style in the middle of my living room floor breathing heavily, clutching the remote in my left hand hand  and an ice cream sandwich in my right, watching beyonce knowles-z do her tv tease thing…and…just like most of you, i had the oxygen come sprinting out of my lungs as she peeled back her shimmery tux jacket to reveal what looked to be a nerf football stuffed inside a cummerbund…

that nerf football turned out to be a real live human that her and shawn carter worked on apparently between watch the throne verses…and just like that, my plans of  accidentally impregnating ms. “to the left” were out the window…let’s face it, after this bout with pregnancy she’ll never fall for my “that’s not really how babies are made” baby making scheme…

over time, the sinking feeling of dying butterflies in my stomach was replaced with the normal lactose induced cramps, but i couldn’t help but reflect on some of the other occurrences that have lead me to this perpetual drunken state… Read more of this post

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the jeter effect…

The homie sdotkikko brought this interesting interwebs link to my attention last week. Apparently someone over at The Sporting News got the genius idea to create an article of various images showing the highlights of Derek Jeter’s past conquests (or at least the celebrity ones that we know of as I’m sure there have been a few dimey waitresses/bottle servers/strippers that went unnoticed)…

Following a careful perusal (and 7 minutes of some alone time), I was left hating Jeter. It is one thing to be an athlete and have all your heart’s desires at your fingertips. But Mr. 3000 hits isn’t satisfied with that and feels the need to bed the majority of Maxim’s Top 100 Women list. It almost feels like a personal attack. The only way it could be worse is if he did it to my family tree…

After my hating spree ended, I began to think about how we as a society were even subjected to this. Aren’t athletes supposed to offset their silver spoon fed lives by making ridiculously poor decisions and then suffer through some sort of consequences that leave us commenting on their ignorance? We can probably just call it the Tiger condition at this point as I don’t see an athlete taking that title any time soon. But evidently DJ has some sort of antibiotic that makes him immune to this…

So if his cure works for athletes, then it probably has some application for those of us sitting in front of a computer on this fine Monday. Let’s think about how he has been able to do his best teflon impersonation… Read more of this post

and you say she’s just a friend…

it has often been said that men and women simply cannot maintain platonic friendships…and the reason generally given is fairly simple…because men will hunch pretty much anything that looks like it has the faintest possibility of producing friction pleasure…well we here at ubf have argued to the contrary (although that might’ve just been me)…

but as i sit here drizzling hennessy xo across my keyboard, there are some of you ladies out there that have had your eye on the man region of a particular fellow and can’t seem to figure out why the distance between you and said region leave you needing a quarter activated set of binoculars to see it…

as luck would have it, just like anytime you click on that ubf bookmark, you’ve come to the right place…today’s post has been painstakingly designed to a) help you figure out if you’ve been relegated to the bedroom bench and b) help you determine what could’ve gotten you there…you read that right…the ever so rare double fisted listed post…

so…go grab your glass of nuvo and meet me over here in the list corner…  Read more of this post

the good guy settling down theory…

So ubf fam…today I’m putting away the usual life assisting advice (and accompanying numerically symmetric lists) to pose some questions that I for once don’t have the answers to…I know surprising. I’m hoping that among the 10s of regular readers out there that we can collectively get to some solutions….

Now before we jump in this will be an interactive exercise that requires your input. By proceeding you are agreeing that you will offer up your opinion…deal? Deal…

As we approach the ninth month of this year, I would have to say there has been a consistent theme in onetrik-ville…the collective pursuit of eradicating my firmly rooted singledom. It seems that everyone came in with the new year’s resolution of nominating a friend they feel could tip the scales from first dates, Xbox and international debauchery to boo’d up things I’m not as familiar with…

Now I’m not saying that I’m a nicely dressed sneaker wearing door opening gift to the fairer sex but the consistency with which I’ve been confronted with the opportunities to meet ‘someone that is perfect for me’ have shall we say over indexed. Along the way, I’ve asked a few about their interest in seeing me settled down with their sister from another mother. The answer tends be associated with the idea that I am a good guy. My question to you is what does that even mean? Read more of this post

elrock’s adventures in moving…

greetings from the concrete jungle where dreams are being manufactured as we speak…

that’s right folks, your favorite southern ubf contributor obtained his freedom papers and found a new home north of the mason dixon line…this chapter of my life led me to the big apple where it’s normal to have man dressed like thriller michael jackson board the train with a casio keyboard and where a wild night of drinking and popping e pills can leave you trying to peak up the skirt of lady liberty…not me, but i’m sure somebody has tried it…

i spent most of last week procrastinating unpacking polos and jordans while at the same time realizing how little i will be using of either in the months to come…now that everything but my cd collection (which has been in the same boxes since 2009) is unpacked, i felt like now would be a great time to both reflect on the experience and provide proper warning to any of you would be home swappers…

below you will find my un-exhaustive and non-comprehensive list of everything you have to look forward to once you turn your goods over to total strangers with hopes of meeting up with them again in another city… Read more of this post

baby bucket list…

Would you agree that the onset of miniature people incapable of fending for themselves attached to those people we know is happening at an alarming rate?

Now we could argue that we are at that age…or that married people can only go to applebees so many times before they get bored…or that the world’s future depends on procreation…no matter the reason there are still things that everyone needs to do before they step up to the dna slot machine with a partner, put in their coin and hope for the best…

I present to you the two times certified ubf list of things to do before turning in your ‘I don’t have kids’ pendant:

+ Travel via planes often…the combination of cost, limited free hands, stranger dirty looks and TSA probing will restrict all of your travel destinations to within an iPhone’s battery life of a road trip when the little booger monster is involved…

+ Be careless with your porn…right now it is cool to hide your go to site in a nested bookmark on that browser that doesn’t have an icon on the desktop or to stash a few dvds/mags in a shoe box amongst your real sneaker collection. But no hiding tactic is fail proof with ankle biters in the house. They will not only find it but conveniently take the contraband to your wife therefore committing porn-icide on your behalf… Read more of this post

straw polling…ubf presidential picks…

after closely following (and by closely, i mean watching from a safe bs splatter free distance) the iowa straw polls that took place over the weekend, i thought it might be high time for ubf to throw a few additional straws into that bale…

with this great union of ours in fiscal disarray and political cluster f-edness, a change might be in order…with that in mind, we’ve pulled together a list of possible replacements just in case barry obama gets his white house access revoked…so here are our additions to that 2012 ballot… Read more of this post

get in the game…

I’ve recently read one too many bios that include the phrase ‘I don’t play games’ and then find a buffet size list of dating complaints in the same person’s stream of 140 letters or less digital rants. So I’m devoting the next 750 or so words to trying to solve this knowing that the ones that need to read it won’t make it pass the click more button and those that do are probably already equipped with this knowledge…but as is life…

The root of dating pain for most is that they feel it isn’t a sport…while the potential partners in their ‘so you think you can be my husband’ pairings are definitely approaching it as a sport…and probably a seasoned veteran at this point because of her need to date older guys (another post for another day)…

Now as much as I’d like to tell you to filter out those players of this ‘game’ and find the genuine gents, I’m not sure your ovaries are that patient…don’t fret though because just like LeBron if you know the rules and apply a little practice here and there, you can experience mediocre results from great expectations… Read more of this post

co-parenting vs. marriage…

yesterday afternoon i left my new east coast home base to head to the town that birthed elrock, both the blogging moniker and the real live person, to witness two of the homies uniting to become one in the eyes of god and uncle sam…

in between sexual advances from the flight attendant on the way down, i couldn’t help but be reminded of a series of conversations i’ve been involved in recently discussing various life arrangements designed to sidestep the finality of the ever so unpopular “til death do you partedness”…one of the options i found the most intriguing was this idea of co-parenting…oddly, this title wasn’t even my idea as i am a lot

fonder of the practice procreation sessions vs. the ones that add parenting to your list of life responsibilities…but being against real commitment the open-minded person that i am, i decided to at least give it a listen… Read more of this post

5 things you should never forget or forgive…

Believe it or not but there was a time when I was known as young onetrik…not necessarily because of my age but more directly related to the maturity-free diet my dating life was on…I know amazing…

While I managed to curtail excessive sea man droppage inside of naval bases, I did encounter a few less than flattering moments where I found myself begging for forgiveness while hoping for forgetness…

For instance, there was the time when I decided to tell the girl that I had been long distance dating that one of us was not exclusively dating the other in addition to winnie pooh’n a few local honey pots…in front of a dinner party of mixed company…

Or the time that I broke up with a girlfriend and started dating a female I had just met within 48 hours of each other…and evidently in the wrong order as the latter happened before the former…

And another that I would have hoped to have forgotten was when I met my first college boo-thang over the summer and proceeded to break up during the first week of classes…not through a conversation but by attempting to date the other girl from her high school at our university… Read more of this post