ex commandments…

Regardless of if your last dating scenario ended amiable with the two of you remaining facebook friends or you required a new set of pirellis on the whip and a restraining order, you are currently someone’s ex. Congratulations and welcome to today’s less than ground-breaking realization.

As an ex, there are definitely socially agreed upon things that come with this role. For instance, you should probably stop calling that person your girlfriend/boyfriend. And it is probably is a good idea for you to remove them as the benefactor of your life insurance policy (especially in the case of the restraining order as that seems to contain the makings of a ‘misunderstanding’).

In addition to the obvious rules, there are a few finer points that some of you are directly violating. Whether it be charged to your refusal to admit all that victoria secrets you bought is being enjoyed by other fellows or a fear the next chic is getting that ring you designed in your mind that he was supposed to buy, you should probably take a gander at the following guidelines for effectively managing your position as ex cherie amour. Read more of this post

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if you’re messy and you know it clap your hands…

i’m a simple dude with a very simple life and to protect this peaceful existence, i live by some pretty simple rules…numero uno on that list…misuse poorly spoken spanish every opportunity you get…but running a close numero two-o is avoid messy situations/people at all cost…

simply stated…messiness to me is an affinity towards the creation or introduction of negativity where it did not previously exist…sounded pretty reasonable i thought…

well…some recent life happenings have called my definition of ‘messy’ into question…i was told that perhaps my messy-meter was set too broad…given my track record for being right, i found that accusation to be preposterous, but in an effort to avoid any future misinterpretations, i decided to expound a bit on my definition and float it out to the ubf family for your input and approval…so here it is…in all of it’s glory…

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to be or not to be…

My dad once told me “If he isn’t having sex with you, he’s having sex with someone.” As a conservative Christian father, I know he wanted me to keep my legs closed. But he also wanted me to be aware of what that might mean.

I have a few friends that subscribe to this crazy channel called celibacy. They have re-captured some version of “Virtue” …or temporary amnesia from the last ten guys they had sex with, whatever you want to call it… and are now waiting for marriage.  I admit- I’m not a believer in it and I’m definitely not a fan. That said, I do believe in waiting substantial amount of time before actually doing the dew. Personally, I feel like you need to get to know your partner in nighttime games beyond the initial “everything he does is cute” stage.  That tends to take a longer time when you aren’t being intimate. We need to have survived a good fight before I feel like we can survive sex. Because ultimately, sex does change everything. Read more of this post

men of a certain age…remix…

Earlier this most amazing month to be born in, elrock brought the ladies a message on the lack of linkage between men’s age and likelihood of wife-ing. Well as we sit together on my birthday eve, I’m going to balance things out with a special message for the fellas.

This was sparked by a post on MadamNoire.com highlighting select wardrobe pieces that mature women (not going to call you old) should be placing in the retirement bin asap. It led me to realize the gents needed a similar agreed upon list of things our dob doesn’t mix well with. Given the limited wardrobe options afforded guys, our list of ‘I became a man and put away childish things’ goes beyond just what not to wear (although we’ll touch on a few of those).

So after moving past my initial thought of just saying anything Bobby Brown has done in the past 5 years, I came up with the following eight things you are too old for: Read more of this post

stuntin season…6 things to do to prepare for spring…

i awoke this morning to find the sun shining brightly once again…the days are longer and the dresses are shorter…these were all the indications that i needed to confidently pronounce that stunting season was upon us once again…

*disclaimer*  to my la friends…you can actually have the rest of the blog day off as this post has absolutely no bearing on your life…just know that i hated you back in january and will hate you more during that time next year…

to the rest of us that have suffered through sub freezing temperatures and involuntary auto sledding, it’s finally time to emerge from that social hibernation to lay our heads on the warm bosom of ms. spring time…ahh…doesn’t that feel nice…

but don’t get to comfortable, for there is much work to do in order to get fully prepared…to get you jumpstarted, ill spend today’s post providing a list ( i know…surprise surprise) of items you need to handle now that the pollen has arrived… Read more of this post

mileage calculator….

“The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”

I’m pretty sure Robert Frost wasn’t talking about the types of forests or track stars I’m referring to, but it’s a beautiful poem, nonetheless. In a city as large as New York, one would think that the sexy times’ Olympic gold medals would get lost in the mail. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. If you’re “winning” every race, please believe that there is somebody making a list and checking it twice. You are all on there somewhere. The question is, how many times  are you still candidates to be “Certified Pre-Owned” or is your mileage so high that you might get sent straight to the  junk yard? Read more of this post

easier than it looks…

With the increasing number of relationship/dating blogs and books, one would think that the act of finding someone to share a McD’s 20 piece ‘chicken’ nugget pack with was nearly impossible. However in a random polling of my remaining single friends and their courting life, I find that the process is actually rather easy and believe it or not…fun.

So why all the angst being spread out there about these supposed difficulties…for one it is a ploy to keep Mr. Harvey in the freshest pastel colored suits known to man…and it helps convince all those married people they did the right thing marrying what’s his/her name even though she doesn’t [insert that thing they like]…but mostly it is because some of us found the instruction manual only to not share it with the masses. Given ubf’s fondness for sharing (with the exception of stds and french fries), let’s uncover a few items that will instantly improve your duck dodging missions… Read more of this post

death to the divas…

no wait…get aretha and patti out of witness protection as this post has nothing to do with the originals…

i always assumed a diva to be a female version of a…no wait…that’s what beyonce called them..i thought it was a grown chick that made straight men want to snap their fingers (don’t try it…it will never go over well…trust me)…

websters defines diva as “a famous and successful woman who is very attractive and fashionable ; especially : an attractive and successful female performer or celebrity”

given the numerous qualifiers in this definition i should have only heard this word spoken as a self evaluation maybe twice in my life…unfortunately this is not the case…
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the game of cat and mouse…

Due to an unfortunate change in circumstances, I am taking a moment on UBF to be completely honest and sans regular snark for one posting so don’t get used to it. Apologies- I’m not a fan of the change in venue either.  Sooooo, I have this feeling.  A pain in my head, slightly nauseous, throw the  covers back over my head except that I can’t fall back asleep nagging feeling. An annoyance that something isn’t quite right, eating isn’t as much fun and drinking doesn’t make it go away kind of feeling. An unfortunate lack of control that makes me know that by the end of the night, I think I’m going to be sick.  I like someone.

Let’s not get it twisted- it’s not that I disliked those other guys.  I definitely did not. I liked the idea of a few, the companionship of others, the sexy times of at least one, the laughs I got with many, the friendship I had with all. But the one constant in all of my relationships has been simple: I was always in control of at least one of us. Read more of this post

another kind of car accident…

In today’s world of independent, successful and motivated women, many gentlemen find themselves put off by a woman getting her Clair Huxtable on. Especially when the only thing they have in common with Cliff is the wack sweater game. Whether it is emasculation or lack of self-worth, these dudes avoid women above their pay grade…which is unfortunate when you examine any statistic that shows women are exceeding men in graduating from institutes of higher learning and acquiring gainful employment. Said another way, the bruhs are missing out on some good catches (of course this is assuming those good catches would even consider dating some of the bruhs opposite them on the bell curve…another topic, another day). Not to mention the law not allowing elrock and myself to wed each and every one of you. Truly sad.

But being the refined gentleman I am, I don’t prescribe to such foolishness…well with one major exception: I can’t date a woman that drives a better car than I do…stop laughing…I’m being serious…

Let me paint a picture of complete and absolute horror for those of you not seeing my valid and appropriate concerns… Read more of this post