7 things we should retire…

The sports world has been hit with some interesting retirement announcements over the past few weeks. Starting a few weeks back with Yao Ming’s retirement from the NBA after what felt like 8 short years all the way up to this week seeing the conclusion of a great career by Randy Moss from the NFL, it feels like the beginning of the end for some of the best athletes from our generation…

To selfishly combat this, I thought it might be a good time to explore some non-hall of fame worthy things that we might not be sad to see go…

7) Standing on couches before standing in line for your passport…As a site founded on the idea of the bottle playing an integral role in all good times, it may seem like an awkward request but we’ve seen too many people buying a bottle from a place that they have not only never been but could not actually point out on a map…

6) Cornrows…I know it took you a good amount of time to grow your hair to that length but your preferred hairstyle is limiting your job and female opportunities simultaneously. Stop sitting in people’s laps and get a real haircut…  

that chic…

No I’m not talking about lolita…well I actually may be but mostly indirect in this case…

This weekend over a cup of earl grey tea (I’m fancy), I started to realize an increase in the frequency with which I’m selecting my future ex candidates from the same bin as the guys who go to work with a number on their chest and their last name on their backs. Clearly I attribute it to my city more so than the good looks but I have been wrong before.

Now before you jump to conclusions about these slay bunnies, these are not the groupie chics you see on vh1 being passed around from basketballer to footballer and such. No seriously they are actually good girls that require many a door to be opened before legs ever are…moms and dads reading this should be proud. You see they just happened to have met what appeared to be a diet jock…same pay check filling but no philandering after taste…and decided the upside was worth the obvious risk. Things are going smoothly but then his 40 time decreased or his jumper became a bit flat…he lost his favorite spot on the team bus and was forced to take his talents to Turkey. The girl lacking that global mobile plan decides distance has now outweighed the upside and jumps back in the dating bin only to be picked up by your third favorite blogger.

2011 resolutions…

a few nights ago wegot completely wasted and drunk dialed/texted everyone we want to sleep with in
2011 then prank called all the people that pissed us off in 2010 toasted and celebrated the introduction of a new deck of days…i don’t know about you, but i love this time of year…the time when people admit that they’ve pretty effed up for the last 337 days (or however long it’s been since the last list of resolutions expired)…but now we get to reset…all we need is a stroke of midnight on december 31st mixed with some champagne and stranger saliva from someone you just met at church a kiss from your new year’s eve party boo to give us that do-over that we will most certainly screw up again so rightfully deserve…

so prepare yourselves for a lull in fornication as vows of celibacy kick in along with a spike in folks waiting in line for a treadmill at the gym to work off those extra sexual frustrations pounds…

any given saturday (night)…

As anyone who frequents the nightlife alongside elrock (or dedicates their life to reading posts such as this or that) knows, he is always the eventual recipient of a betchawontgotalktohimoverthere predicament. I use the word predicament because it always ends up being the least likely to be approached  she-beast (filled with just enough liquid courage) that tracks his scent and moves in for the kill. As you can imagine, it isn’t a situation he likes to talk about let alone live through. But for the rest of us it is similar to any VH1 Sunday night show, entertainment at someone else’s expense.

With that bit of pre-reading out of the way, I found out this weekend that it is all fun and games until elrock isn’t there to play his role and then on any given Saturday night…it can be me.

hush little baby don’t say a word…

No really stop talking.

This time I’m not even referring to your consistent nagging chatter during the Laker’s game but I do reserve the right to come back and address that issue one day. Instead ladies I’m referencing the high usage of your fancy vocabulary with regards to that gentleman you are hoping to beat into submission convince that you are the one he will share Outback’s delicious bread with for ever and ever and ever.

Now before we get started, unfurrow your brow. It gives you wrinkles.