y’all broke up…and he doesn’t care…

look at him over there on his own facebook page with his drink, his 2-step and his flock o’ floozies…bastard…how could he possibly be out there having this much fun with the stench of the break up conversation still floating through the air…it’s like he never really cared at all…

because he didn’t…

ok…i’m just playing…he did…and he probably still does…but the way in which he expresses it will show up in forms that are not easily recognized my the female mind…

as we’ve mentioned here a few times(read as every other day or so) men and women wired a little differently…women tend to see a break up as a time to: Read more of this post

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attack of the body art…

it has often been said that tattoos are like posturpedic partners…they are permanent and once you get too many of them, people start to call you loose…ok…well maybe it hasn’t been said that often and i, for one, believe that this is part of the problem…

let me start by saying, i am actually a fan of a little female body art…the key word in there being “little”…i can’t count the number of times i’ve been pleasantly surprised by some well placed decorative ink sprinkled about the torso…oh wait…when i say it like that it makes me sound promiscuous…so yes i can count and the number is 4 (because that sounds pretty low)…but i can also count those times when i was surprised by a full set of bat wings or the entire 2nd verse to wind beneath my wings (and it was only partially beneath her wing)…

this has lead me to believe that some additional tattoo etiquette education may be in order…and giving our insatiable need to educate the public on topics that they have no desire to learn, here are a few things you can do to keep from looking like weezy in your nighty… Read more of this post

if i should die tonight…

be ye not afraid (that’s bible talk) for this post is not nearly as morbid as the title makes it sound…i was simply sitting around examining my 99% unpacked apartment and started honing in on some  odd patterns that i’ve established as i’ve bounced from domicile to domicile…a few things that would make any MIB clean up crew scratch their heads in the event that i was ever abducting by aliens or something…

my stash of single socks…yes, in my sock drawer there is an area designated for my divorced socks…everyone knows that some where between the rinse cycle and the tumble dry, socks have a tendency to escape through some sort of underground garment railroad…well, although i’ve submitted more than my fair share of individual change of address forms, i somehow have it stuck in my mind that my single socks will one day return to their rightful owner…granted…to this date i am 0 for every sock i‘ve ever lost but i still keep the stupidity  faith… Read more of this post

yeah…ubf remembers too…

i hate tony romo…whew…sorry…i just had to get that off my chest…

*in my best Sophia from the golden girls impression*

picture it, cincinnati… september 11th 2001 around 9:03 a.m. i moseyed into my local circuit city to purchase my copy of jay-z’s blueprint album (yeah i liked to get there early so i could buy new joints and play them all day at work to develop an opinion about it before i talked to anyone else) and…rumor has it, that classic, couldn’t even be stopped by bin laden…cheesy, but i had to do it…

as i skipped out of my office on this unapproved field trip, i vaguely heard one of my coworkers mention something about a plane and the world trade center, but not wanting to get entangled in mindless office chatter, i decided to pretend like i didn’t hear it… Read more of this post

text-enuating circumstances…why he never calls…

if i had a dollar for every time i’ve heard a young lady complain about  some dude that has chosen to bypass the vocals in order to let his fingers do all the talking, i may’ve been able to completely forgo this day job thing i was recently reintroduced to…

i see you sitting at your bi-weekly man “critiquing” dinners audibly wondering why the guy you let slow hump you to novacane last week at your neighborhood juke joint is now refusing to douse you with his anytime minutes…

well, allow me to pull my chair up to your pf chang table, enjoy some of your delicious lettuce wraps and leave this series of possible reasons scribbled on the back of your receipt…

check please… Read more of this post

baby beyonce and other tales of disappointment…

this can’t be happening…i, like many others sat Indian style in the middle of my living room floor breathing heavily, clutching the remote in my left hand hand  and an ice cream sandwich in my right, watching beyonce knowles-z do her tv tease thing…and…just like most of you, i had the oxygen come sprinting out of my lungs as she peeled back her shimmery tux jacket to reveal what looked to be a nerf football stuffed inside a cummerbund…

that nerf football turned out to be a real live human that her and shawn carter worked on apparently between watch the throne verses…and just like that, my plans of  accidentally impregnating ms. “to the left” were out the window…let’s face it, after this bout with pregnancy she’ll never fall for my “that’s not really how babies are made” baby making scheme…

over time, the sinking feeling of dying butterflies in my stomach was replaced with the normal lactose induced cramps, but i couldn’t help but reflect on some of the other occurrences that have lead me to this perpetual drunken state… Read more of this post

and you say she’s just a friend…

it has often been said that men and women simply cannot maintain platonic friendships…and the reason generally given is fairly simple…because men will hunch pretty much anything that looks like it has the faintest possibility of producing friction pleasure…well we here at ubf have argued to the contrary (although that might’ve just been me)…

but as i sit here drizzling hennessy xo across my keyboard, there are some of you ladies out there that have had your eye on the man region of a particular fellow and can’t seem to figure out why the distance between you and said region leave you needing a quarter activated set of binoculars to see it…

as luck would have it, just like anytime you click on that ubf bookmark, you’ve come to the right place…today’s post has been painstakingly designed to a) help you figure out if you’ve been relegated to the bedroom bench and b) help you determine what could’ve gotten you there…you read that right…the ever so rare double fisted listed post…

so…go grab your glass of nuvo and meet me over here in the list corner…  Read more of this post

elrock’s adventures in moving…

greetings from the concrete jungle where dreams are being manufactured as we speak…

that’s right folks, your favorite southern ubf contributor obtained his freedom papers and found a new home north of the mason dixon line…this chapter of my life led me to the big apple where it’s normal to have man dressed like thriller michael jackson board the train with a casio keyboard and where a wild night of drinking and popping e pills can leave you trying to peak up the skirt of lady liberty…not me, but i’m sure somebody has tried it…

i spent most of last week procrastinating unpacking polos and jordans while at the same time realizing how little i will be using of either in the months to come…now that everything but my cd collection (which has been in the same boxes since 2009) is unpacked, i felt like now would be a great time to both reflect on the experience and provide proper warning to any of you would be home swappers…

below you will find my un-exhaustive and non-comprehensive list of everything you have to look forward to once you turn your goods over to total strangers with hopes of meeting up with them again in another city… Read more of this post

straw polling…ubf presidential picks…

after closely following (and by closely, i mean watching from a safe bs splatter free distance) the iowa straw polls that took place over the weekend, i thought it might be high time for ubf to throw a few additional straws into that bale…

with this great union of ours in fiscal disarray and political cluster f-edness, a change might be in order…with that in mind, we’ve pulled together a list of possible replacements just in case barry obama gets his white house access revoked…so here are our additions to that 2012 ballot… Read more of this post

co-parenting vs. marriage…

yesterday afternoon i left my new east coast home base to head to the town that birthed elrock, both the blogging moniker and the real live person, to witness two of the homies uniting to become one in the eyes of god and uncle sam…

in between sexual advances from the flight attendant on the way down, i couldn’t help but be reminded of a series of conversations i’ve been involved in recently discussing various life arrangements designed to sidestep the finality of the ever so unpopular “til death do you partedness”…one of the options i found the most intriguing was this idea of co-parenting…oddly, this title wasn’t even my idea as i am a lot

fonder of the practice procreation sessions vs. the ones that add parenting to your list of life responsibilities…but being against real commitment the open-minded person that i am, i decided to at least give it a listen… Read more of this post