the facebook un-friendables…

facebook is beginning to turn into a bit of a dilemma for me…i was always interested in passively keeping up with the lives of friends and family, but i am now finding that my circle of friends has expanded far enough to begin to include those “unfriendables”…seeing that non-word in quotations, should let you know exactly where i’m headed with this one…so let’s just cut the additional niceties and get there…

if you do any of the following, our facebook friendship can only be spoken about in the past tense…

status updates makes it clear to me that you have nothing to lose…i must admit, i will allude to a swear word or two, but if your status looks like it was cut from the unfunny part of some old school eddie murphy standup routine, we can no longer exchange pokes…curse words are not meant to be typed…they’re only meant to be rapped in the most insulting way towards women and rival mc’s…i am neither…

textual relationships…

Any blog touching on the trending topics of today’s dating world and also worth its digital footprint in advice has provided you with a perspective on the current dilemma many ladies face with this generations gentleman ‘caller’: Why does he only text me?

As a texting early adopter, I thought I might be a good resource for making sure ubf wasn’t left out of the electronic pile-up on the issue. Unlike those before me that have tried to argue whether men are lazy and immature dating participants or that women should just deal with the advances of technology and communication, I’m going to help decipher what his texting may actually mean.

f-mail…and f-book too…

on tuesday of this week, our lives changed forever as facebook announced that they would be introducing their own version of email…and by changed forever, i mean stayed pretty much the same…kinda like when portland found out that greg bowie oden would be out for the season…again…

as my un-excitement subsided, i quickly began to think about all of the other joyous things facebook had brought into my life…this post is an ode to all of the new b.s. we all now have to deal with those new found joys…

– profile stalkers…now that facebook has been improperly tagged as the recession friendly e-harmony, it has become the go to spot for the socially and financially challenged…it also works wonders when you’re too crazy to get accepted by e-harmony that free communication weekend is still more commitment than your poor heart can handle…

– the hateration proliferation…apparently now that everyone has access to the online cliff notes version of your life, they all hate you or just hate on you…and for very good reason…i mean look at all you’ve accomplished with your 0 – 1 degrees, your 427 pseudo friends and your access to youtube videos…i think i feel a little hate coming on right now…every time i see how great your online life is, i grab my online life by the ear, drag it to the roof and dare it to jump…”you smoke crack don’t you”…

digital girl(s)…

My mom has a great saying: How you get a man is how you lose him. Now granted, she was referring to man snatchers ladies that follow the OPP method of booty acquisition, but I find that this credo can apply to almost any situation.

In this day and age, there are countless ways of meeting your potential ball and chain mate, however more and more people are turning to Onetrik’s “Interwebs”. Match.com, Eharmony, JDate, etc. are just a few of the websites out there for the dating challenged where people can meet their version of “the one” without even taking a shower leaving their house.

Yesterday, a good friend of mine posted the following Facebook status:  “Public Service Announcement – Facebook is not the free version of Match.com.” This got me thinking. As someone who is recklessly approached via Facebook chat from friend’s of friends, college classmates that never paid me any attention in school and guys that I may have met once in my life, I can relate to the post. It’s annoying. However, as evidenced by my cheating ex, guy I recklessly smacked bellies with titleless pseudo relationship, many men do find success getting laid meeting women via the Facebook medium. Now you will have to excuse me, but since Facebook is NOT Match.com, I can honestly say that I think men that troll for booty on Facebook are lame. Are you that socially inept that you can’t meet a real live human out and about sans the false pretense of “friendships” on Facebook? Why do you have so much free time to troll my 6000 multitude of Facebook albums and tagged photos? When did my Facebook photos become your version of Skinemax?

who’s that peeking in my window…

Back in the good ole days, getting your stalk on wasn’t that easy. You needed extensive resources like their last name, a phonebook and means of transportation. As an ambitious 13 yr old, you may get a few of those but not the entire list for a full out stalking mission because mama onetrik dukes was tripping about being home before the street lights came on and hiding in the bushes isn’t that easy during the day. Or so I’ve heard.

Today’s aspiring voyeur has it much easier thanks to technology and everyone’s inner exhibitionist aka facebook profile. Twitter, Tumblr, Foursquare, Gchat and [insert other ways to avoid human to human contact] gives us the privilege of getting our snoop (Not that kind of Snoop thanks to you California voters) on from time to time. Unfortunately privilege comes with responsibility and based on the way some of you give a little responsibility your best Eddie Long (too soon??), I’m guessing we may have a few out there virtually violating quite a few “friends”.

No worries though because in the ongoing spirit of education at ubf and given the exorbitant amount of time I spend in the interwebs, I’m here to provide you with a fail proof guide on when you might be crossing that line from Curious George to Peeping Tom:

when the hunter get’s caught by the game…

*****Warning: The posting below is not for known crazy women. If you tend to be called crazy on a regular basis, please stop reading this.  Why? Because in this post, I was already pushing it. I can’t imagine how crazy people would proceed.*****

Sometimes, I struggle with how much of myself I should put out there on the “interwebs” as Onetrik so lovingly calls this crazy world wide universe. UBF is all about entertainment though, so in the end…if I can accomplish that in some way, I win.

So the other day, Elrock schooled us on how to “hold on to your man” and help him fight the urge to find greener pastures. Pffft. Thanks for the tips. Now excuse me while I stick my tongue down my throat try not to laugh. The fact of the matter is, there is no formula. I know I’m not supposed to say that, but there isn’t. Granted, there are ways to assist in making some one decide he’d rather screw some one else he doesn’t like you anymore, but again- if the formula was simple,  nobody would read half the things we write to begin with.

it was bound to happen eventually…

please watch this video and talk amongst yourselves while i’m out trying to find a job out here at nbmba…

elrock…the soon to be employed…

you ain’t got to lie to kick it…

This weekend saw a collision of sporting goodness very rarely seen in a 72 hour period. We, the avid sports fans, spent Saturday, Sunday and Monday evening fondling the remote from baseball to football (NCAA & NFL) to tennis (US Open) to NASCAR (final race in the chase aka their playoffs) to even a little international basketball (FIBA World Championship). (Sidenote: Take note that the WNBA finals were intentionally not included in this summary of sport spectacular gumbo as not even the biggest sports fan knew or cared about them.) We then woke up this morning to a dual path route carved in our carpet/flooring from the couch to the refrigerator and the bathroom. Needless to say, it was a nearly perfect three days minus the pit stop into the job for a few hours yesterday.

[insert my soap box]

But my amazing weekend featured a persistent heartburn not cured by Prilosec OTC which means it wasn’t the wings and pizza. This indigestion was caused by the ridiculous amount of annoying status updates/tweets bombarding my feeds. No I’m not talking about the countless poor jokes made at the expense of Mr. Barron’s hug session at the end of the Cowboys vs. Skins game (those were actually enjoyable). Instead, I’m pointing to the inordinate amounts of fraudulent excitement expressed for the start of football season through every single social media channel known to mankind. The issue being that every Stacey, Kerri, and Nicole felt it her job to let all of her potential love-mates friends know she was seriously amped for the start football.

status infractions…

It appears we have a new epidemic making its way through the interwebs. As usual, it is up to the good people of ubf to put an end to this before it gets out of hand. Scratch that. It is already out of hand and I blame us for not calling foul on this prior to today.

***insert soap box***

With the abundance of social media tools asking “What’s on your mind?”, “What’s happening?”, “Share what you’re thinking”, etc., it seems today’s generation of the underworked and overpaid have more than enough venues for getting their status rocks off. This abundance has created a digital sea of self-serving nothingness throughout my favorite stalking destinations. How am I supposed to see those great self-portrait-twitpic-mirror-shots when my timeline is filled with pure laziness or @RevRunWisdom RTs?