any given saturday (night)…

As anyone who frequents the nightlife alongside elrock (or dedicates their life to reading posts such as this or that) knows, he is always the eventual recipient of a betchawontgotalktohimoverthere predicament. I use the word predicament because it always ends up being the least likely to be approached  she-beast (filled with just enough liquid courage) that tracks his scent and moves in for the kill. As you can imagine, it isn’t a situation he likes to talk about let alone live through. But for the rest of us it is similar to any VH1 Sunday night show, entertainment at someone else’s expense.

With that bit of pre-reading out of the way, I found out this weekend that it is all fun and games until elrock isn’t there to play his role and then on any given Saturday night…it can be me. Read more of this post

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what the sports world can teach us about breakups…

welcome back ubf’ers…hopefully the thanksgiving holiday/black friday combo has your bellies full and your wallets as empty as mine…but a word of caution to those expecting gifts…my wallet was empty way before the target trampling started…as most of you know, when i’m not out drinking and making bad life decisions counseling our followers on all the ills beauties of meaningful male/female relationships, i am glued to my 52 inch picture machine watching andre johnson doing his best ike turner impression on cortland finnegan’s helmetless head skilled athletes perform in games of skill and endurance…one can learn a great deal from the challenges these athletes face from game to game but today the pessimist in me wants to focus on what happens when happy endings are aborted (and subsequent tips withheld) and things don’t go according to plan…here are some nuggets we can take away from sport’s messiest break-ups… Read more of this post

last call…thanks…

It’s that time again- the 40 day period between the end of November and January 1st , where we spend money, drink, and oh yeah… “Give thanks”. We kickoff the holiday season with the greatness of having two days off work meeting with friends and family while getting our shameless drink eat on.  Onetrik & elrock already expressed their many thanks to various parties, so it was only right that I hop on the bandwagon.  As November comes to a close, I’d like to give my appreciation to:

– Onetrik, for allowing me the opportunity to share the worst side of myself via UBF & a shameful potty mouth, all the while cutting me down to size when he feels appropriate

– Elrock, for being the resident wordsmith as he demonstrates exactly why we should avoid guys  anything like him Read more of this post

another round of thanks…

So we find ourselves at that one day of the year where you thank others for doing the things you spend the rest of the year taking credit for. Since you are either patiently waiting on mama dukes to finish up the greens or sitting on the couch with your pants undone eye raping that piece of pie, I’m guessing I have your attention for a little bit.

Yesterday elrock kicked off the holiday with his special shouts to those things filling his basket o’ happiness. Not to be outdone, I’m back with a turkey leg and a few things I’m thankful for:

+ elrock for always being the co-conspirator in these bad decisions and good times…

+ lolita’s unique ability to raise the male ubf readership through the mere mention of perky boobs and nice behind without any pictorial evidence… Read more of this post

time to give some thanks…

tomorrow is the day we all gather around family laden feasting tables across this great country of ours to engage in the annual calorie consumption contest known as thanksgiving…between the greasy goodness and the series of itis induced head nods, we’ll spend time thanking whomever we thank for whatever we have…

with that in mind, i thought it only right that i spend today’s post doing my best drunk uncle impression giving thanks for all those things that are currently taking up space in my basket o’ happiness…

on this day her are all the things i am thankful for…

– onetrik for making sure there are never any light skinned ladies left when i show up…

– lolita for her perky boobs and nice @ss fresh provocative female perspective…
Read more of this post

eating your friend’s Barrys

It was wonderful to hear Onetrik’s “Ode to Eva” in regards to the completely unsurprising unfortunate demise of the union of Tony Parker and Eva Longoria.  There has been a lot of focus on the fact that he cheated, the sexting and of course, that infamous interweb called Facebook that pastors who previously engaged in ménage trios shamelessly warn their congregations about. And while I would love to wax prophetic on how this marriage began with the hour glass from Taboo may not have been one built to last, I actually have a more pressing question. Why aren’t more people raking that two faced lying cheating scandalicious biatch this Erin Barry character over the coals?

People cheat all the time. But now, in addition to having to keep tabs on your philandering significant other, you now have to make sure that all the time your home girl spends at your house isn’t a ruse to get closer to your man. Fellas- you are not immune. Apparently, vicariously living through your dirtbag friends just became hazardous to your relationship. Who knew that the tales of his many conquests now includes your wife? In my opinion, Tony cheating is not the biggest scandal here. He’s French after all. Didn’t they invent ménage trios? But shagging the wife of his teammate- that’s a new celebrity athlete cheating low. Read more of this post

dear eva…

With things continuing into this week in the he said she said media storm around Eva Longoria and Tony Parker’s pending divorce, I’m here to provide my take on the situation. Instead of the typical ‘she should have known what she was getting into’ or the ‘she’s a gold digger anyway’ angles, I’m here with an open letter to Eva (or any other celebrity that has found themselves in an open relationship unbeknownst to themselves thanks to their celebrity husband’s galivanting) with a unique solution. Feel free to pass this on to her as she may not be on the ubf distribution yet.

Dear Eva,

For starters, no matter what you may be hearing this is not your fault. Unfortunately for you (and many of your peers), you mistakenly and albeit beautifully prescribe to a common societal misnomer: being at the top of every man’s ‘tug show material’ list protects you from infidelity. I know it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever but there is actually some illogical logic for why your stalking worthy attractiveness never stood a chance. Read more of this post

f-mail…and f-book too…

on tuesday of this week, our lives changed forever as facebook announced that they would be introducing their own version of email…and by changed forever, i mean stayed pretty much the same…kinda like when portland found out that greg bowie oden would be out for the season…again…

as my un-excitement subsided, i quickly began to think about all of the other joyous things facebook had brought into my life…this post is an ode to all of the new b.s. we all now have to deal with those new found joys…

– profile stalkers…now that facebook has been improperly tagged as the recession friendly e-harmony, it has become the go to spot for the socially and financially challenged…it also works wonders when you’re too crazy to get accepted by e-harmony that free communication weekend is still more commitment than your poor heart can handle…

– the hateration proliferation…apparently now that everyone has access to the online cliff notes version of your life, they all hate you or just hate on you…and for very good reason…i mean look at all you’ve accomplished with your 0 – 1 degrees, your 427 pseudo friends and your access to youtube videos…i think i feel a little hate coming on right now…every time i see how great your online life is, i grab my online life by the ear, drag it to the roof and dare it to jump…”you smoke crack don’t you”… Read more of this post

that girl we love to hate…

Hello you groupie. Yeah, I said it. I’ve already posted about my love of myself the gold digger, but let’s talk about the groupie. If gold digger’s are high class escorts, groupies are street corner hookers. Same job, grimier M/O.  Just in case you are confused by the definition of a groupie vs. a gold digger, I will break down the basic constructs.

Gold diggers often actually have something going for them. They just want your piece of the pie too. Some of my favorite Gold diggers are Beyonce, Nicole Murphy, Amber Rose and even Tracy Edmonds. What do all of these women have in common? Now that they have their own money (even the ones who obtained it via the California gold rush, i.e. Hollywood gold digging), they still make sure to reap the benefits of their significant other wherever possible. Jay-z wouldn’t have stood a chance if he wasn’t, well Jay-z.  And honestly?  A woman of her caliber has earned her right to dig for the best looking gold in town. Anything less is a downgrade.

The difference between a gold digger and a groupie: With a groupie, all of the pretense is gone. There is no wining, no dining, no contrived dates, no falling in love with his lifestyle. Gold digging takes planning, finesse, dare I say even a semblance of class. Groupies just stand around the VIP section, backstage or bottle service trying to get in where they can fit in. A good night for a gold digger ends in a tennis bracelet and sexy times on high thread count king sized bedding and conception. For a groupie, a good night usually entails some head pushing. Pun intended. Read more of this post

decoded…

This just in: Men and Women’s expectations may not always align.

Actually they never align as I re-discovered in a conversation this past weekend with one of the homiettes.  In an attempt to put her business out there get everyone up to speed, she and an interested fellow (that happens to live in a different city) found themselves discussing logistics for a potential let’s see if you really look like those text pics meet-up visit in her city. Being the gracious (and naïve) host, she offered her humble lodgings as a resting place for him and his finest carry-on luggage. In the female mind (from what I’ve been made aware), the offer makes sense as how could you expect a visitor to spend his good Applebee’s money to stay in a hotel after flying across the country. However in the male mind, the offer alludes to the potential for some good ole fashioned buck-e-nekkid tussling.

Enter mismatch expectations and their friend, frustration (in this case sea color spheres).

Luckily our conversation was able to pre-empt any unexpected backed up pipes but it made me realize that I couldn’t possibly reach all of you ladies (I’ve tried) in time to prevent future instances. Hence going to the interwebs with a blog post. Read more of this post