the facebook un-friendables…

facebook is beginning to turn into a bit of a dilemma for me…i was always interested in passively keeping up with the lives of friends and family, but i am now finding that my circle of friends has expanded far enough to begin to include those “unfriendables”…seeing that non-word in quotations, should let you know exactly where i’m headed with this one…so let’s just cut the additional niceties and get there…

if you do any of the following, our facebook friendship can only be spoken about in the past tense…

status updates makes it clear to me that you have nothing to lose…i must admit, i will allude to a swear word or two, but if your status looks like it was cut from the unfunny part of some old school eddie murphy standup routine, we can no longer exchange pokes…curse words are not meant to be typed…they’re only meant to be rapped in the most insulting way towards women and rival mc’s…i am neither…

weIrdlY pLacEd caPiTAl leTTeRs…this one drives me crazy because i find myself spending valuable time trying to solve it which is mad difficult since i haven’t saved up enough honey smack upc codes to collect my “stupid status” decoder ring…i know this is not entirely your fault because no one forced me to try to solve your status puzzle, but we here at ubf believe quite strongly that all of our mistakes are caused by others…so stop that before i come over there and d-bo your shift key…

updates on mundane task…you just made yourself a chicken salad sandwich…and it was banging…just stop…think for a second…your status alone proves that you are probably the most boring person you know, so anyone that actually cares about this newly minted sandwich is probably hulled up in a hut somewhere in the middle of montana…upset because even the cults thought they were too lame to join…but now they have a reason to be happy because at least they can say that they’re not you…

angry messages for your other facebook friends…if you’re status is a threat or a specific mandate to someone about keeping your name out of their mouths, then you really should be giving up facebook altogether…if you find yourself having to have the conversations with your facebook “friends” through your statuses, you have completely misunderstood the concept…if all these b****es and h**s are so difficult to get along with then maybe you can save a few characters and a little space on my timeline by just unfriending them…like i’m about to do to you…

statuses that are like newspaper articles about things that should never make the news…you’re actually worse than mr. mundane up there, because you forced me to read through 47 syllables before i realized how unexciting your trip to bed bath and beyond actually ended up being…next time i might just show up to steal your sink stop and plunger just so i’ll know i’ll have a better status to look forward to…

i’m not saying you should change your facebook behavior for me because i’ve already deleted you…what i am saying is that you should change your facebook behavior for your other 232 friends who haven’t deleted you yet, and the 3 folks that can’t delete you because you’re family…

now i will turn the floor over to you good people…did i miss any offenses…

elrock…juSt caLLed out PeopLe on poor faCebOok uSagE…now who gon check me boo…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

10 Responses to the facebook un-friendables…

  1. Soumynona says:

    I consider myself to be a relatively open-minded guy – I think I watched My two Dads back in the 80’s not really judging the fact that these two dudes probably played double dribble before the video game came out. However, I’d really rather not see updates of two dudes (or more) embracing at a party nor do I really want to be invited to an event that will have more than a fair share of its constituents tooting a horn of any kind. Am I wrong?

  2. Andre says:

    I must admit, I’m hooked to this site… Now to the matter at hand.
    1) Dudes’ profile pictures with their shirts off… then friend request to other dudes? No thank you!
    2) Ladies’ profile pictures in front of the bathroom mirror, but the mirror’s dirty (and so is the bathroom)?
    3) Cats that say, “Praise God I woke up this morning!” at 6:49 ct, then at 7:12 state, “(expletive) this (expletive) is about to make me cut the mutha (expletive)
    4) Friends that post once a year? Then when they do post they say stuff like, “hey, how’ve been?”
    5) Worser worded grammar. I’m sure you’ve seen the your v. you’re and the two/too/to, etc. (yes, worser was on purpose)
    6) Lastly, the recent “Repost this if…” that’s going on… I remember when myspace first started that mess, and Tom does too! it was the death of myspace…#IJS

    Real talk: you all have great posts that help me see different points of view. Keep up the great work.

  3. Lola says:

    Status updates from people who are constantly depressed about something or complaining about one thing or another… or conspiracy theorists… such kill joys! i dont delete them though, I just hide them from my timeline. Good post : )

    • how could i forget…folks that always just allude to problems so everyone can chime in and ask them what’s wrong…kinda makes you want to rent them a real live friend…
      another great addition…looks like we might have to start consulting with the readers prior to the post…

  4. Soumynona says:

    I too am a non-fan of the depressed statuses (stati), cheer up or drink up –
    btw – shameless plug – but YOUBFs inspired me to (re)open my once dormant blog. Now I can compose endless comments after my own posts :)
    http://imindecentattimes.blogspot.com/

  5. J says:

    oh, facebook, how i loathe thee! these days i question why i’m even on there, and more so-why the hell am i checking it 53 times a day!?!? i don’t care to hear about the ‘new mommies’ out there who feel the incessant need to write about the ‘cutest sh*t’ their baby just took, or any other mundane daily activity we all go through. (you wouldn’t want to hear about my activities in the bathroom? didn’t think so). i’m also not a big fan of people bitching about their divorce/separation/ex-whoever, i don’t want to be a part of someone’s airing of dirty laundry.
    Oh, and one more; the gal out there with the new boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance? please stop updating how amazing your life is because you’re clinging on to someone to make your life whole….good for you, but i don’t want to hear it.
    love the site you guys! you guys keeping me laughing, keep up the awesomeness.

  6. Vlad says:

    — A picture of some average looking meal that you just got served at Outback. Unless there is something genuinely interesting, amusing, or gross about your food, I don’t really care what you’re currently eating.
    — Over-the-top posts proclaiming how wonderfully in love you are with your perfect soulmate. Thanks for reminding the rest of us that we’re sleeping alone tonight.
    — A status in a foreign language that I know you don’t speak, but simply typed into Google Translate.
    — Messages trying to get me to give you money for your Mona Vie or whatever other weird life-changing venture you are currently embarking on.
    — Politics and religion – ’nuff said.
    — The generic “good times, good food and good friends!” update …. fail.
    — Changing your facebook name to a fake name. Oh, wait… crap….

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