status infractions…

It appears we have a new epidemic making its way through the interwebs. As usual, it is up to the good people of ubf to put an end to this before it gets out of hand. Scratch that. It is already out of hand and I blame us for not calling foul on this prior to today.

***insert soap box***

With the abundance of social media tools asking “What’s on your mind?”, “What’s happening?”, “Share what you’re thinking”, etc., it seems today’s generation of the underworked and overpaid have more than enough venues for getting their status rocks off. This abundance has created a digital sea of self-serving nothingness throughout my favorite stalking destinations. How am I supposed to see those great self-portrait-twitpic-mirror-shots when my timeline is filled with pure laziness or @RevRunWisdom RTs?

(Seriously people, if I wanted to follow him, I’d take my happy fingers over to his page and click follow. More importantly, if you need daily inspiration in the form of 140 characters or less, it seems I’m inspired to have less of you in my life. And lastly, he put “Wisdom” in his username. We can not reward this type of behavior. Can. Not…I digress.)

In an attempt to solve this problem once and for all, I’ve created the following survey for you to 1) take and implement said actions 2) pass on to others to do the same. Now grab a pen and something to write on. Bring on the quiz:

+ Do you tweet basic stuff? While the grocery store and post office can be full of excitement, I’m not that concerned with you going to either of them. They make location-based apps for that information. Look into it. (+1 point, +3 points if you ‘like’ your own boring status updates)

+ Do you lead with set-up questions you know your friends will ask about letting you brag about something in your life (e.g. new boo, new segway, new job, new iHome remote control)? Just come on out and brag from the get go. Crowd participation is not required. (+1 point, + 3 points if your homie is in on it)

+ Do you find yourself talking shit about someone but then following it up with I’m not going to say no names? You know who you are. Stop it. (+1 point, +3 points if the person isn’t even on the service)

+ Do you start everyday with a “Good Morning World/Twitterverse/Tweeps/FB” message? Outside of stalkers, the rest of us could care less what time you get up. I’m pretty sure you don’t want them catching on to your routine btw. (+1 point, +3 points if you have less than 30 followers)

+ Do you often update your closest 300+ friends about needing to go to the gym only to never make it there? Thanks for including us in your personal fail. (+1 point, +3 points if you don’t have a gym membership)

+ Do you only RT what other people say with no original thoughts of your own? Well Mr. Me Too thanks for the suggestion but Twitter just added that feature so your services are no longer needed. (+1 point, +3 points if you get mad that the celebrity won’t follow you back)

+ Do you find it necessary to spoil tv shows/sporting events when watching them live? Just because your technologically challenged self doesn’t have a dvr, it does not mean I want my TrueBlood experiences via @YourSelfishBehind. (+1 point, +3 points if you are on the east coast)

+ Do you brag about going to average stuff? If you are standing front row at Kanye’s VMA performance cool. But if you are over at your homie’s house watching it in standard definition…#fail. (+1 point, +3 points if you include a lame picture as well)

+ Do you link your status message to every application under the sun? It’s great you were able to harvest those crops, however I’d like my 15 seconds of life back that you just stole. (+1 point, +3 points if you link Facebook and Twitter but then tell me to follow you on Twitter via Facebook)

+ Do you constantly send messages promoting your blog? Oh wait. Nevermind. (+0 points, -3 points if you click on all those constant updates from ubf)

+ And the last one that serves as a catch-all, does your message not create laughter, share real information or just left off some steam? Do me a favor and click that little “X” button on your browser before hitting submit. (+1 point,+3 points if you still hit submit)

Hopefully that wasn’t too hard and you were able to count up your potential infractions. Here is what your score tells you:

+ -3 to 0 points – I appreciate your contributions to the digital world. Keep up the good work as a ubf-approved interweb user. Badge is in the mail.

+ 1 to 4 points – You have a few things you could do better but overall you don’t piss me off which is an accomplishment to say the least. Feel free to board the cool kids plane in zone 2 though.

+ 5 to 8 points – Consider this an intervention. Change your ways asap because people (me) are starting to talk (about you).

+ 9 to 10 points – Punch your computer screen with your forehead or tie your fingers into knots with your fingers. Your choice.

+ 10 to 30 points – You are beyond punishment. Kill your (digital) self.

***remove soap box***

So there you have it ubf. Now we just cross our fingers and hope this spreads as fast as this epidemic did. While we are waiting, what other things would you add to the survey? What are people doing that really makes you want to unsubscribe?

onetrik…mr. I’m doing this because I love you…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

7 Responses to status infractions…

    • SdotKikko says:

      Moreover, stealing from JHG (paraphrasing): If your FB statusi never make it to the “Top News” feed then you probably need to step your status game up.

  1. Puff says:

    Yes. Thank you.

  2. Fern says:

    ROTFGL. Loved this!

  3. TT says:

    I didn’t take the survey, but I do have to say that the name “onetrik” is not one I would have chosen for a person of your stature….if you know what I mean.

  4. TT says:

    BUT, could you add points for people who take pictures of the meals they’re eating…wtf is that about?
    Or for sending messages (via status updates) to their boyfriend/girlfriend with whom they are not even friends on FB?

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