you ain’t got to lie to kick it…

This weekend saw a collision of sporting goodness very rarely seen in a 72 hour period. We, the avid sports fans, spent Saturday, Sunday and Monday evening fondling the remote from baseball to football (NCAA & NFL) to tennis (US Open) to NASCAR (final race in the chase aka their playoffs) to even a little international basketball (FIBA World Championship). (Sidenote: Take note that the WNBA finals were intentionally not included in this summary of sport spectacular gumbo as not even the biggest sports fan knew or cared about them.) We then woke up this morning to a dual path route carved in our carpet/flooring from the couch to the refrigerator and the bathroom. Needless to say, it was a nearly perfect three days minus the pit stop into the job for a few hours yesterday.

[insert my soap box]

But my amazing weekend featured a persistent heartburn not cured by Prilosec OTC which means it wasn’t the wings and pizza. This indigestion was caused by the ridiculous amount of annoying status updates/tweets bombarding my feeds. No I’m not talking about the countless poor jokes made at the expense of Mr. Barron’s hug session at the end of the Cowboys vs. Skins game (those were actually enjoyable). Instead, I’m pointing to the inordinate amounts of fraudulent excitement expressed for the start of football season through every single social media channel known to mankind. The issue being that every Stacey, Kerri, and Nicole felt it her job to let all of her potential love-mates friends know she was seriously amped for the start football.

Now I do realize (and know a few) that there are some serious female football fans out there that actually have a favorite team and can follow a game from coin flip to post game booty slaps. I tip my hat to you for your dedication whether it be getting up for the early games at 10am over here on the west coast or going to church decked out with your pink Cowboys Romo jersey (seriously do they make them for any other player?) because you weren’t going to make it home before the game. Next time I see you, the next round of drinks is on me.

However, this small group’s acceptance into this holy grail of crotch scratching, tv yelling, chips missing mouth, beer guzzling, chest groping (just making sure you are actually reading) extravaganza of football has unfortunately triggered an imposter digital virus. Now thanks to the evil usage of Facebook and Twitter, any conniving jezebel bachelorette is able to proclaim her “love” for the sport. This is equal parts disturbing and hilarious for two reasons:

1)      It is completely obvious to us that you don’t really like football. A true fan will update their status with the following: “I can’t wait to see if my sleeper fantasy pick, Arian Foster, has a big game today…the Texans could really use help in the running game…” This is both a smart and accurate sentiment that displays your true fandom and possibly your genius in picking sleepers as he balled out on Sunday. Meanwhile the imposter digital virus would send this tweet: “I’m so glad football is back. I can’t wait for the games.” Really? That is like me saying, “I’m so glad the lifetime movies are back. I can’t wait for the movie to start.” You can obviously see I know nothing about the subject matter and am poorly trying to fit in. Do lifetime movies even have a season? Or do they run year long? They seem to only come on when I really want to watch something else. I digress.

2)      As our homie over at FSG pointed out with pictures nonetheless, an extensive knowledge of football will not increase your chances of snagging a football loving man. It may gain you cool points (to be turned in for random acts of strength usually related to moving or opening jars) and a few extra invites to the hang out during the season but it will not take you from a DNP to MVP. Said another way, a duck with a football is still a duck and most available and attractive bachelors tend to dodge ducks.

So in conclusion, stop faking the funk when it comes to liking football even if it is less than 140 characters. Go to your Facebook page right now and un-like the NFL while all of us are busy at work (looking at our fantasy football scores from the weekend). In the future, spend that time and energy on something more constructive like cell phone self portraits in the mirror. Guys love (making fun of) those.

[remove my soap box]

What about the good people of ubf? Are you tired of these faux-football fanatics? Are you one of them that would like to stand up for your kind?

onetrik…diary of a mad football fan…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

11 Responses to you ain’t got to lie to kick it…

  1. tolu says:

    Hahhahahahahahaha, rotflmao @ this!!! I really can’t tell you which part was the funniest, so I’ll try::

    (1) “not even the biggest sports fan knows or cares about the WNBA.” — so mean yet so true.

    (2) “there are some serious female football fans out there that … can follow a game from coin flip to post game booty slaps” –where do these women come from. I was a cheerleader back in the day responsible for calling cheers and I still don’t know when we are on offense or defense (thank goodness for co-captions, lol)

    (3) “I’m so glad the lifetime movies are back. I can’t wait for the movie to start.” –haha, i miss lifetime tv

    (4) “a duck with a football is still a duck” — classic!

    (5) “Go to your Facebook page right now and un-like the NFL.” –again, so mean, yet so true.

    When will they learn?

    Good one, homes!

  2. Marcie says:

    I love sports! I love them soooo much that I only watch them when:
    1) some of my “duck” girlfriends are watching them;
    2) the guy I’m dating is watching & I’m allowed to take a nap or do work during the game
    3) there’s some social event attached (ie superbowl parties)
    4) UNC is playing…b/c I actually care who wins
    5) UNC alumni that I know are playing with some professional team..b/c I actually care who wins
    6) Ice skating, cheerleading competitions or Olympic gymnastics are on…but, I’m sure these are like the WMBA to UBF, lmao
    7) All little league & HS sports — I mean who doesn’t love the kids?! Besides, they have so much heart & have so much fun!!!

    Despite this AVID (insert sarcastic face) love for sports, I am not updating my status messages & look forward to June when the weather is hot & sports are not! Lol.

    • kudos to you for keeping your love of sports out of the daily status message…all of your reasons seem to make sense…regarding #1 I’m sure your friends aren’t ducks but if they are AND they just read that, you may be in need of a new set soon…you are especially right about #6 and #7 gets a #pause as no grown man can say that without receiving a visit from Dateline NBC & Chris Hansen…

      • Marcie says:

        hahaha, touche. hey, i’m honest; don’t hate me. yes, i have a few “duck” friends. but, i wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world! granted, i also have a LOT of pretty girlfriends…and a few of them are die hard sports fans; however, i was simply going with your vernacular lead here, lol…

  3. @kmhphenomenal says:

    U already know how I feel about this subject, as evidenced by my fb posts and twitter feeds. I wish you couldve been a little meaner. Lol. But that’s just me.

  4. morningjoi says:

    I don’t get why UBF and friends are taking this up as a serious angst. Haven’t you (yeah, you) already had the girlfriend that hated sports & dominated your TV with Sex & the City and Desperate Housewives re-runs? Relegating you to only enjoy the sports you love on a pre-negotiated schedule? Isn’t a girl that (at least pretends to) like sports the better option? Then just go along with it and enjoy the damn game.

    If all else fails, there’s that wonderful “hide” or “unfollow” feature that you can utilize until the sports world goes boring again on February 7, 2011.

    • missjlucas says:

      Couldn’t agree with ya more, Miss Joi!

    • Tina says:

      I’m so late. Unwinding and resetting during lunch=Making up for lost time.
      “Isn’t a girl that (at least pretends to) like sports the better option?”
      Well… Perhaps… A girl that will not pretend to be interested at all, and instead quietly pursue her own interests (bukkit-nekkit) while you pursue yours on Sundays and Mondays… That means quality time. One might call it fantasy football Sunday. Just sayin’. :-P

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