inside lolita’s locker room…

I had the pleasure of meeting up with some old friends this week for some no holds barred, candid conversation.  It was during this time that I was informed that  I might not be like everyone else.  I keep trying to sell myself as the everyday chic with a few anomalies that hopefully make me more attractive. In actuality, I might be the everyday 13 year old boy with grown woman packaging. So I pose the question to my readers at UBF: is my ability to sporadically get inside the male mind a gift or a sign that maybe I am one? According to my friends, male and female alike, I tread a fine line. Apparently I have the whims of a female and the fancies of a man. I disagree. What do you think?

In my opinion, the only difference between my female counterparts and me is that maybe I’m just a bit LOUDER.  So my opinions may come off as stronger, more polarizing, less sanitized and bolder. I might be the Naga Viper Pepper of your Hot peppers. But, I’m still a pepper! Right???  Below is random offering of what I REALLY think and have shared with my friends- in no particular order or inter-list relevance. You tell me- am I alone? Ladies: Isn’t this what you are REALLY thinking too? Sometimes? No?

1.       When presented the opportunity to date/look at/bed younger men – He’s got a a 25 year old body. Which means he has a 25 year old ____. (Now insert skype ninja dance)

2.       When presented the opportunity to date/lie next to/be taken out by older men – His 45 year old wallet is not an adequate substitute for his 45 year old ____. I’ll pass.

3.       When single – I shouldn’t be enjoying this so much. Aren’t women supposed to hate this part? Why am I having so much fun? I wonder what kind of dirty old lady I will be…

4.       When in a relationship – Wow I really like him. (And Then… ) Hmmm…I think I’d be really disappointed if we got married, though. This wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. I can still probably get someone [insert one or more of the following adjectives: Taller, Smarter, Better in bed, more fun, more interesting, better looking, less rigid, more laid back, more adventurous, Better in bed]

5.       When forced to interact with women that somehow ended up being are hotter than I am – I bet people are mean to her all the time. So I’ll be super nice. And my [Insert whatever I could find] is better than hers J

6.       When a man I think should be interested in me isn’t – He’s corny anyway.

7.       When a guy moves his banana closer to my face – *&#&!*#########kkkkkkk! Damn it. Couldn’t dodge the bullet forever…

8.       After a first kiss from a guy I like – Sh**. The countdown to sexy times begins…[insert serenity prayer]

9.       After a first kiss from a guy that I don’t like – Well. I hope he doesn’t call me again. But I’m sure he will get the hint when I never pick up…

10.   After first round of sexy times – Hmm. This is awkward. I’m going to pretend to sleep now.

11.   And if the sexy times was bad – Wow he sucks! I think I’ll go home now.

12.   When a relationship is moving too slow – picture Not safe for work action

13.   When a relationship is moving too fast – picture Lolita lacing up some pretty pink running shoes

14.   When watching football – YES! Zoom into that guy right there! WOW he looks amazing!

15.   When watching the player interviews after the football game – GOD! DON’T TALK ! YOU are RUINING IT!

16.   When forced to watch UFC with the lasts/greatest – When guys watch this do they ever think of sex positions? They look like they are having sex. Is this porn or wrestling…oh well- this beats boxing!

17.   When meeting his ex girlfriend – Well at least he upgraded.

18.   When meeting your ex’s new girlfriend – Damn. DOWNGRADE!

19.   When newly single – insert  skype ninja dance

20.   When newly wifed down – enter  cold sweat and fear

There you have it. A snapshot into the warped mind of Lolita. I guess no matter what you say, I’ll passively aggressive think y’all are just like me anyway. But just for kicks- let us know.  What’s your locker room conversation consist of?

-lolita

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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