smushed green grass…

I know what many of you think…man I wish I could live that single life of elrock …

Aside: I too have been there I must admit…

Even if you can’t reach elrock status, your best efforts will show (as my post from last week tried to illustrate) that it takes a very serious commitment to enjoy the fruits of singledom labor…to further this point I have a tale from my weekend …you see while the yard may look full of bountiful green grass over there on the solo dolo side, it can often times get crumpled under life’s feet of less than desirable experiences…

On this particular evening, I was invited out by a friend to a games night…being a Taboo master, I was compelled to defend my crown but  I found myself tired leading up to the evening’s main event….hoping to gather my energy through the form of tiddlywinks coppage, I opted for a pre-game nap…after underestimating my tiddlies level, I slept approximately two hours longer than the original plan…after recognizing that I was on my couch and not Paula Patton’s as my dream had led me to believe, I went into quick preparation mode for the evening…also known as t-shirt, jeans and js…I share this seemingly meaningless paragraph of details to bring to life the lack of care that went into my appearance…

Luckily I arrived to my friend’s abode prior to the all important taboo team selection but I seemed to have missed the section of the night where everyone says their name through an interpretive chant and dance…as a true games participant I put aside my lack of social media linkage to 53% of the room and we jumped right into the game… Read more of this post

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Guest Post: Feminism Fatigue

ladies and gents out there in ubf land, once again proving that we are an equal opportunity depository of foolishness, allow us to introduce to you our partner in lines anani miss…more of her work can be found here…enjoy…

Picture this. It’s 2000.  Beyonce Knowles is just a girl who wears really ugly, really sparkly outfits missing really key pieces of fabric in really random places.  She sings a song about independent women.

Being 21, with my first job and paying my first car note, what did I do when said song came on?  I almost dislocated a shoulder attempting to throw my hands up at them.  I didn’t need no man, because I could get down like that.  I just needed me (well, and my mom to cosign for my car.)

I wanted to run the world.

Picture this.  It’s 2011.  The Patron Saint of Girl Power is just a mother-to-be finally able to afford clothes with enough fabric to cover her entire body.  She sings a song about girls running the world.

Being 32, way beyond my first job and paying off an infinite amount of grad school student loans, what did I do when said song came on?  I thought, “Ummmm, about that, B.  Running the world sounds like it might be too much work.” Read more of this post

yeah…ubf remembers too…

i hate tony romo…whew…sorry…i just had to get that off my chest…

*in my best Sophia from the golden girls impression*

picture it, cincinnati… september 11th 2001 around 9:03 a.m. i moseyed into my local circuit city to purchase my copy of jay-z’s blueprint album (yeah i liked to get there early so i could buy new joints and play them all day at work to develop an opinion about it before i talked to anyone else) and…rumor has it, that classic, couldn’t even be stopped by bin laden…cheesy, but i had to do it…

as i skipped out of my office on this unapproved field trip, i vaguely heard one of my coworkers mention something about a plane and the world trade center, but not wanting to get entangled in mindless office chatter, i decided to pretend like i didn’t hear it… Read more of this post

five steps to singledom…

The ubf staff…I can say staff even though we aren’t paid right…oh I shouldn’t tell you we don’t get paid…mea cupla…let’s start this again…ubf contributors tend to dole out recommendations for solving the various symptoms of singledom but over the life of this blog I have begun to wonder about two things: 1) what if not everyone is ready to kick their case of singledom…2) even if you were, why would you listen to a collection of individuals with their summer and winter homes residing firmly in singleville…

With that said, it seems we may have been ignoring an area of intrigue…what would be included in a recipe for solitary casserole?

Glad you asked…based on our extensive research, we find ourselves as not only members but high ranking officials in this field of dolo studies…per usual, we bring the food for thought but you have to do the dishes… Read more of this post

text-enuating circumstances…why he never calls…

if i had a dollar for every time i’ve heard a young lady complain about  some dude that has chosen to bypass the vocals in order to let his fingers do all the talking, i may’ve been able to completely forgo this day job thing i was recently reintroduced to…

i see you sitting at your bi-weekly man “critiquing” dinners audibly wondering why the guy you let slow hump you to novacane last week at your neighborhood juke joint is now refusing to douse you with his anytime minutes…

well, allow me to pull my chair up to your pf chang table, enjoy some of your delicious lettuce wraps and leave this series of possible reasons scribbled on the back of your receipt…

check please… Read more of this post

rules of the man crush…

There comes the times in every straight man’s life when he recognizes that he has an appreciation for certain aspects (non-sexual) of another man’s life…and if you are vigorously shaking your head no, you may have misplaced your homophobic medicine in that little closet of yours…it isn’t gay to give credit to another man’s choice in suits unless you are doing that after noticing it on your floor following a night of naked pitch and catch…

Many refer to this as a man crush…not to be confused with a bromance which is an entirely different topic on itself…for example, I have a man crush on Bradley Cooper…well let me make one point of clarification, I have a man crush on the characters that Bradley Cooper tends to play in movies…I couldn’t tell you how he actually lives in his normal day to day life given the lack of TMZ sightings or police reports but the guys his name is associated with in the closing credits always seem to be of the kind of person that you wouldn’t mind tagging in your facebook pictures following a weekend of foolery…as that is the true sign of male friendship…

The reasons male crushes are such a hush topic is that straight-straight  guys tend  to not want others to think they are gay, gay-straight guys tend to not want others to know they are gay and gay-gay guys tend to actually not care what others think especially those in the other two categories…

In an attempt to help those of us in the first category, I’ve come up with some rules for the man crush that should erase those fears…and they should be pretty easy to follow if you are in fact in the first category… Read more of this post

baby beyonce and other tales of disappointment…

this can’t be happening…i, like many others sat Indian style in the middle of my living room floor breathing heavily, clutching the remote in my left hand hand  and an ice cream sandwich in my right, watching beyonce knowles-z do her tv tease thing…and…just like most of you, i had the oxygen come sprinting out of my lungs as she peeled back her shimmery tux jacket to reveal what looked to be a nerf football stuffed inside a cummerbund…

that nerf football turned out to be a real live human that her and shawn carter worked on apparently between watch the throne verses…and just like that, my plans of  accidentally impregnating ms. “to the left” were out the window…let’s face it, after this bout with pregnancy she’ll never fall for my “that’s not really how babies are made” baby making scheme…

over time, the sinking feeling of dying butterflies in my stomach was replaced with the normal lactose induced cramps, but i couldn’t help but reflect on some of the other occurrences that have lead me to this perpetual drunken state… Read more of this post

the jeter effect…

The homie sdotkikko brought this interesting interwebs link to my attention last week. Apparently someone over at The Sporting News got the genius idea to create an article of various images showing the highlights of Derek Jeter’s past conquests (or at least the celebrity ones that we know of as I’m sure there have been a few dimey waitresses/bottle servers/strippers that went unnoticed)…

Following a careful perusal (and 7 minutes of some alone time), I was left hating Jeter. It is one thing to be an athlete and have all your heart’s desires at your fingertips. But Mr. 3000 hits isn’t satisfied with that and feels the need to bed the majority of Maxim’s Top 100 Women list. It almost feels like a personal attack. The only way it could be worse is if he did it to my family tree…

After my hating spree ended, I began to think about how we as a society were even subjected to this. Aren’t athletes supposed to offset their silver spoon fed lives by making ridiculously poor decisions and then suffer through some sort of consequences that leave us commenting on their ignorance? We can probably just call it the Tiger condition at this point as I don’t see an athlete taking that title any time soon. But evidently DJ has some sort of antibiotic that makes him immune to this…

So if his cure works for athletes, then it probably has some application for those of us sitting in front of a computer on this fine Monday. Let’s think about how he has been able to do his best teflon impersonation… Read more of this post

and you say she’s just a friend…

it has often been said that men and women simply cannot maintain platonic friendships…and the reason generally given is fairly simple…because men will hunch pretty much anything that looks like it has the faintest possibility of producing friction pleasure…well we here at ubf have argued to the contrary (although that might’ve just been me)…

but as i sit here drizzling hennessy xo across my keyboard, there are some of you ladies out there that have had your eye on the man region of a particular fellow and can’t seem to figure out why the distance between you and said region leave you needing a quarter activated set of binoculars to see it…

as luck would have it, just like anytime you click on that ubf bookmark, you’ve come to the right place…today’s post has been painstakingly designed to a) help you figure out if you’ve been relegated to the bedroom bench and b) help you determine what could’ve gotten you there…you read that right…the ever so rare double fisted listed post…

so…go grab your glass of nuvo and meet me over here in the list corner…  Read more of this post

the good guy settling down theory…

So ubf fam…today I’m putting away the usual life assisting advice (and accompanying numerically symmetric lists) to pose some questions that I for once don’t have the answers to…I know surprising. I’m hoping that among the 10s of regular readers out there that we can collectively get to some solutions….

Now before we jump in this will be an interactive exercise that requires your input. By proceeding you are agreeing that you will offer up your opinion…deal? Deal…

As we approach the ninth month of this year, I would have to say there has been a consistent theme in onetrik-ville…the collective pursuit of eradicating my firmly rooted singledom. It seems that everyone came in with the new year’s resolution of nominating a friend they feel could tip the scales from first dates, Xbox and international debauchery to boo’d up things I’m not as familiar with…

Now I’m not saying that I’m a nicely dressed sneaker wearing door opening gift to the fairer sex but the consistency with which I’ve been confronted with the opportunities to meet ‘someone that is perfect for me’ have shall we say over indexed. Along the way, I’ve asked a few about their interest in seeing me settled down with their sister from another mother. The answer tends be associated with the idea that I am a good guy. My question to you is what does that even mean? Read more of this post