2011 resolutions…

a few nights ago wegot completely wasted and drunk dialed/texted everyone we want to sleep with in
2011 then prank called all the people that pissed us off in 2010
toasted and celebrated the introduction of a new deck of days…i don’t know about you, but i love this time of year…the time when people admit that they’ve pretty effed up for the last 337 days (or however long it’s been since the last list of resolutions expired)…but now we get to reset…all we need is a stroke of midnight on december 31st mixed with some champagne and stranger saliva from someone you just met at church a kiss from your new year’s eve party boo to give us that do-over that we will most certainly screw up again so rightfully deserve…

so prepare yourselves for a lull in fornication as vows of celibacy kick in along with a spike in folks waiting in line for a treadmill at the gym to work off those extra sexual frustrations pounds…

not being one to be left out…i decided to jot down a few of the things i hope to accomplish in the big double 1…

1 – come up with a better cool way to say 2011…

2 – open up a little…i just need to find some way to talk more about how i feel…maybe in a diary or blog or something…

3 – do my part to fix all of america’sproblems:

– education…graduation day is may8th

– obesity…drop 40lbs…i’m fairly certain that’s about how much my school books weigh…

– unemployment…first day of work is sept 8th

– stimulate the economy…get back to spending my paychecks on lottery tickets, overpriced club liquor and failed first dates…

4 – prune my facebook friends tree…i’m starting with the ones that don’t have enough real life friends to take their profile pics for them and moving quickly to those who singularly like their own statuses messages…

5 – get married and become a sexual disappointment to my wife so she can take me on the oprah winfrey networks “in the bedroom” so i can be completely emasculated and demoralized in front of my grandmother and ex girlfriends on brand spankin new national television…

6 – sign up for e-harmony…although i have a sneaky suspicion that i may have to create 2 profiles to fit all of my stipulations in…in which case they will surely just introduce my 2 profiles to each other…

7 – complete at least 1 of my resolutions or at least go back to look at them again after jan 15th

and as a bonus…here are a few resolutions i overheard while reflecting on my own…

brett favre -“finally retire from sending lewd text messages to any chick within 100 yards of the team’s complex football…”

vh1/bravo – “redefine the term “wife” to mean any chick that has ever been on 3 dates with a former nba scrub player or is predisposed to consistent bouts of ridiculous behavior…”

republican congress – “reform healthcare…again…essentially do over a christmas break what we didn’t careabout couldn’t find the time to do from 2000 – 2008…”

what about you ubf fam…i can’t be the only one that’s hoping to make some temporary life improvements…let’s hear those resolutions…

elrock…and that’s what imma do til it’s over…but it’s far from over…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

One Response to 2011 resolutions…

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention 2011 resolutions… « Us, Bottles, and Friends -- Topsy.com

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