any given saturday (night)…

As anyone who frequents the nightlife alongside elrock (or dedicates their life to reading posts such as this or that) knows, he is always the eventual recipient of a betchawontgotalktohimoverthere predicament. I use the word predicament because it always ends up being the least likely to be approached  she-beast (filled with just enough liquid courage) that tracks his scent and moves in for the kill. As you can imagine, it isn’t a situation he likes to talk about let alone live through. But for the rest of us it is similar to any VH1 Sunday night show, entertainment at someone else’s expense.

With that bit of pre-reading out of the way, I found out this weekend that it is all fun and games until elrock isn’t there to play his role and then on any given Saturday night…it can be me.

It started off as a promising night in those hollywood streets. M Boogie invited me out to for a drink/two-step combo with the homies. We addressed the typical night killers up front. The spot allowed sneakers so the dreaded bouncer once over would lead to entry vs. a Roscoes night. More importantly, one of the homies knew the club hall monitor so no time would be wasted in the thing that resembles a line but doesn’t actually move. To top that off, it was’s (don’t trip I had to google him too) life affirmation party which featured Biz Markie spinning and Megan Good looking good. Now all I needed was my friend J. Daniels and a 2×2 area to get my Bristol Palin on.

Little did I know the good times were about to go all Erik Spoelstra and be asked to leave.

As elrock can attest, the secret to the assailant’s approach is the ninja-like arrival. Not sure how it is done, but they are able to navigate the droves of dancing, conversing, holla’ing, too good to be dancing, drinking, drink spilling, texting, song requesting, drunk standing and vip-hawking people in the club to land square in front of you sans warning. This night was no different as I was magically greeted (directly into my man goods) by her backside. The other amazing part of this exchange is how the group you came with instantly severs all ties with you and the dancing circle you were in moments prior. Leaving you to Revis’ island mixed with TSA’s new regulations. With the ‘homies’ now spectators to my predicament, I instantly raised both hands in an attempt to display my displeasure with being elrock’d. The assailant then went to what appeared to be her patented double grind booty pumps. I then apologized to the man behind me that received the forced booty pumps that I passed on. Sensing my participation hesitancy, she grabbed my free hand and proceeded to perform what some would call washing up except my hands were the cloth and soap. Realizing that I may have bathed already, she went for what I’m sure is the closer in her arsenal…she began kissing her female friend (I hope it was her friend in hindsight) while ‘R. Kelly 12 Play #2’ing me.  Fearing what the encore move would be and recognizing I was no where near a fire alarm, I went for plan b which was to signal Biz Markie to change songs such that I could slip away with the polite (yet scarred) ‘Thank you for that…err…dance. ‘

After tracking down a full body wet wipe, I rejoined the homies and raised my awareness levels to a hundo for the rest of the evening.

But now that I’ve had a few days to think about my perpetrator’s transgressions, I’m still amazed at the following things:

+ No words were ever exchanged unless you count a grunt I think I heard.

+ Not only did I not hear her actual voice but I didn’t see her face which could make picking her out of a line-up difficult.

+ I’m hoping the morning after pill really works as I took three.

+ Why isn’t it ever Megan Good performing this type of activity (on me)?

+ All of this would have never happened (to me) had elrock been there.

Has anyone in the ubf fam been elrock’d? Is there a support group for this?

onetrik…her body was calling but I let it go to voicemail…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

6 Responses to any given saturday (night)…

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention any given saturday (night)… « Us, Bottles, and Friends --

  2. mboogie says:

    you know i just DIED laughing! Our bad for ‘severing ties with you’ …lol…but it was a lost battle for us b/c that woman was determined like mofo…

    but it does bring up the question…how much is being too forward? Men tell women to be forward all the time and to take the initiative…so maybe she just took it a bit too far? #imjustsayin

  3. tolu says:


  4. ladybison says:

    Time of death, call it……

    Oh my, I can’t stop laughing!!!!!!! The description was so vivid that I was able to visualize the entire transgression and then replay it again whenever I need a pick me up and the B-12 is not kicking in like it should. Thank you good sir for the giggles. I will be sure to make a point of standing near ElRock when he comes west, so I can see the third installment live and direct!!!!

  5. Pingback: my life on the wing… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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