7 things we should retire…

The sports world has been hit with some interesting retirement announcements over the past few weeks. Starting a few weeks back with Yao Ming’s retirement from the NBA after what felt like 8 short years all the way up to this week seeing the conclusion of a great career by Randy Moss from the NFL, it feels like the beginning of the end for some of the best athletes from our generation…

To selfishly combat this, I thought it might be a good time to explore some non-hall of fame worthy things that we might not be sad to see go…

7) Standing on couches before standing in line for your passport…As a site founded on the idea of the bottle playing an integral role in all good times, it may seem like an awkward request but we’ve seen too many people buying a bottle from a place that they have not only never been but could not actually point out on a map…

6) Cornrows…I know it took you a good amount of time to grow your hair to that length but your preferred hairstyle is limiting your job and female opportunities simultaneously. Stop sitting in people’s laps and get a real haircut…  

5) Improper use of the term wife…This blame falls solely on VH1 as they have somehow convinced us that a group of athlete side pieces collectively warrants the title basketball wives. Now I’m sure there is a bit of legal influence here that doesn’t allow them to truly call them what they are but my biggest concern is for the kids watching at home that have never been exposed to a wife in real life and now associate a wife with cursing, drink throwing and ratchetness…

4) ‘You know you’ groups on facebook…They may be rookies on the scene but everything about them says defriend and block and I’d hate to miss those pictures of your sister-in-law you post every month or so. It is still early enough that we can treat them like a bad boy artist and act like they never existed…

3) Zoe Saldana’s husband…Everyone knows this should be like the presidency and be a rotating position. No man should be able to sit on this throne for a lifetime but instead should be forced to defend his position on a regular interval. I’m thinking every 6 months but could be convinced to go up to 9 months…

2) Skinny jeans…given the nation’s obesity problem, we should wait until the FLOTUS confirms that her active initiatives have done their job before we even consider smedium jeans as an option. Until bring on the relaxed fits so the youth can actually pull up their pants…

1) The use of the word swag…The overuse mixed with what at times feels like improper use of the word makes me long for yesteryear when it was used to describe freebies received at conferences/events. Besides I’m pretty sure that Webster has enough alternatives that we’ll be able to exist in a swag-free world…

What else would the ubf fam offer up as retirement eligible?

onetrik…no encores please….

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

2 Responses to 7 things we should retire…

  1. Andre says:

    The “stand in a mirror and take a picture of yourself” profile pictures. Especially with the dual cameras on the majority of smartphones, there’s no reason to (font strikethrough-Eddie Long) to stand in front of a mirror and show that rough ‘angry man’ smile.

    The “announcing to the world that one is getting a tat or a piercing.” Only a handful (font strikethrough- fb friends that wants to engage in relations) of people really care about that anyway- so why announce it to one’s social networking world?

  2. agree on all accords…all future violators will be de-friended…unless there is above average relations involved of course…

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