poolside manners…

As the official start of summer hits this upcoming week, the likelihood of spending days poolside increases no matter where you live (even those of you in Cincinnati). This is a great thing for a number of reasons: 1) Starting the party while the sun is still out will not only tire out that “friend” that likes to stay in the spot until 45 min past when all the cute girls are in bed but also allow you to get up the next day in time to see the sun again; 2) Consumptions of alcohol during the day is scientifically proven to be better for your bank account, liver and plantar fasciitis; 3) You can finally show off that hard time spent (or lack of time spent for those procrastinators out there) in the gym; 4) Spending time in the sun encourages the ladies to wear their finest (aka slimmest…minimal…revealing…covering nary-a-thing) wears.

Speaking of wears, fellas we need to talk.

As I witnessed yesterday, not all of us were given the same guidelines for pool party attire. I understand the confusion as it is slightly more involved than a day party but not quite the same as a beach party (for our Cincinnati friends – a beach party is a fun filled event featuring various activities such as seeing the ocean, keeping sand out of those delicate areas, and not being the first person to pull out the sweatshirt when the temperature begins it descent).

In typical UBF fashion, I’ll go with the don’ts and let you figure out the dos.

+ If your shirt has buttons, use them. Not sure where this came from but I’d like to insert a huge “Return to Sender” stamp on it. Wearing your shirt in a manner that has your highest used button falling in the area of your belly button is only going to lead to an awkward situation with your group of friends (as I can’t be seen next to you and your Janet Jackson nipple situation).
+ While creatively matching articles based on color can be a good thing, no one expects you to have that much lime green. No one should have orange flip flops or worst case have the audacity to actually wear them in front of anyone that didn’t give birth to you.
+ If in question, always go with adult sizes. No matter how thin you think you may be, the choice to wear children larges is not a good look. Skinny jeans were a bad choice in the winter and their cousins, the skinny shorts, will only give you yeast infections (this isn’t scientific but why risk it?) and lonely sexy time.
+ If you can go directly from the pool party to the club party, (I can’t believe I’m saying this to a man) an unnecessary layer of material is being used. No matter how cool you think you are, there is nothing cool or comfortable about wearing a blazer to the pool. Even the lightest summer suit will have you stopping at the dry cleaners on the way home.
+ On the flipside, some material is always required. As mentioned in the positives of pool parties, showing off that gym work is great but I must recommend the use of moderation. The 50 Cent wife beater is legally copyrighted by 50 Cent. Trust me you don’t want to get caught in that legal battle this early in the summer.
+ When it comes to accessories, be careful. I admit this may be a personal choice but if you disagree then you should re-evaluate who makes choices for your life. No man should wear a toe ring. I could come up with 100 reasons for this one but I’ll simply go with two words: DO NOT.
+ Lastly a point not focused on your ‘fit but instead your grooming. A fresh cut/shave is definitely in order given your spotlight under the sun. However, taking the clippers (or whatever you use for this) to your eyebrows or using stencils in your head is not required unless you want extra credit in the class of douchery.

As I left the party before the end, I’m sure I missed a few other don’ts. What would you add?

onetrik…mr. h2o etiquette…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

2 Responses to poolside manners…

  1. Pingback: Twitted by UsBottleFriends

  2. Serena says:

    Fine. I thought that this was understood already but some of you clearly didn’t get the memo: check your feet before you roll to said pool party! Contrary to what your momma says, corns are not cute, and if you’re not adept at handling a home pedicure or using the PedEgg, please consult a professional…

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