let it burn…

Breaking up is hard to do- trust me. I do it all of the time. I remember the days of being dumped and frankly? They were easier. You see, when you are the dumpee-, you rarely see it coming. Yes, there is that pesky little thing called heartbreak that occurs as a result, but so what? It happens. You get over it. And it’s the perfect opportunity to play the victim. Meanwhile, being responsible for the heartbreak is a much bigger…well responsibility. In addition to the normal withdrawal symptoms everyone in a breakup experiences due to the denial of regular basis sexy times a broken emotional attachment, there are other ‘symptoms’ and ‘consequences’, so to speak, of being the one who pulls the plug.

Some of the benefits of being the unsuspecting sucker partner on the receiving end of ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ is The Lack Of…

  • Pre-dump anxiety
  • Post-dump guilt
  • Mutual Friend backlash
  • Slashed tires
  • Destroyed suspensions on your 4×4
  • Angry texts
  • Harassing phone calls

The list above was completely random and has nothing to do with personal experience. That said- somebody’s gotta do the honors, right? At the end of the day, when something isn’t meant to be, it just isn’t. And so I say to my fellow Dumpers: Congratulations on being the one with the cajones to extricate yourself from happily never after. I salute my fellow warriors in shuttin ‘em down and letting it burn.  For those of you who have yet to join this elite club- fear not. There is still time. And no UBF posting would be complete without a comprehensive list of my tried and true methodology of relationship removal.

  • The Breakup Dinner – This is, by far, the most ambitious and stupid risky method as it doesn’t come without potentially high profile pitfalls. If you are a female, you might get stuck with the bill. If you are a man that’s inevitable so this shouldn’t be a big deterrent. However, the dinner scene provides ample ammunition for yanked tablecloths, wine glasses strategically poured over heads, meals on laps, loud, attention grabbing sobbing…Do I need to continue? The upside is this: If you know that your dumpee is crazy, you have just supplied yourself with plenty of free, reliable witnesses and can make a relatively safe exit. This makes all the other stuff worth it.
  • The Breakup House Call – I consider this a true soldier move. One has to respect walking straight into the Lion’s den and taking your licks like a man.  It’s bound to be ugly and uncomfortable. The major downside to this  other than the obvious is that if your soon to be former significant other is channeling the inner Chris Brown, there is no guarantee that you will leave the den unscathed or at all.However, provided you are able to exit the scene in one piece, you can pat yourself on the back for not being a coward and facing the situation head on.
  • The Breakup Phone Call – For the lightweight coward. Perhaps you really do respect this person, but a face to face is just too much to ask. In this case, the phone call ensues. The only downside is wasting your anytime minutes on sniffles and stupid questions like “Why???”.  These calls tend to be multi-tiered and broken out into a phone call miniseries. Rarely does a true break up phone call occur in one sitting. Only the truly experienced efficient are able to manage a one hit wonder of break up calls under the best of circumstances. But in the end, you are able to hang up the phone and get back to your life.
  • The Breakup Text – My personal favorite, and definitely not brave at all. It’s a great way of singing Cee-Lo’s X-rated version of “Forget You” without actually saying it to the recipient. Passive aggressive behavior at its absolute finest, the breakup text is borderline disrespectful. This is when you absolutely do not care how the person feels and really just want to be out. The breakup text should immediately be followed by prompt phone number blockage and deletion. This helps avoid the phone based harassment from the list above.
  • The Ignore – Finally, the coward of all cowards. There are some of you out there who can’t even bring yourself to do a text. This goes out to you.  I call this particular brand of breakup the “He/She’ll figure it out”. Suddenly, you just stop responding to any and all contact. You delete them on face book. You send their calls straight to voicemail. You almost seem to disappear. Well, at least where they are concerned. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never done this. But from what I hear, this type of breakup usually results in slashed tires and keyed cars. You were warned.

What about you fellow UBF-ers? What are your ways of letting your boo know the party ain’t jumpin like it used to? Which Deuce sign are you flashing? How do you put the lights out on your future exes?

Take a bow and exit Stage Left…




About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

8 Responses to let it burn…

  1. Soumynona says:

    What’s up Lo, sorry I’ve been on hiatus but someone has to inspire this country to greatness – other than Dunkin of course.
    I like this post for no other reason than the words – lightweight coward – funny funny ha ha. In ref to ur post, I’ve had to distance myself from a few ladies in my time (I guess you can say breakup with but that would mean a lot of overlap between relationship(s). My ex-periences with your list are as follows:
    1. Break-up dinner – After a great start, that evening went sour fast. We talked about life, favorite appetizers, and thennnnnn I told her, “I really value your friendship, please don’t take this the wrong way…” Well she took it the wrong way, began to sob a little bit and stood up and left the restaurant. I felt so bad but it was the right thing to do. We never sexed at all but I liked having her around – she was cool people. We had to end it once she mentioned that her mom wants to meet me. It hasn’t even been a few weeks since we met.
    2. Break-up house call – This is by far the riskiest for anyone brave (crazy) enough to breakup with a female in her own house. I figured that since I had been in her house so many times or any woman’s house in general on several occasions that this would be tough but I have always been up for a challenge. A woman’s house is like an ex-tension of who they are and after I gave those final words “We (you) should see other people (bc I already have/am/will) speech, immediately the lights became dark and the room began to twirl. I was threatened with a knife (butter knife, lmao), coerced into the most delicious break-up sex known to man in which I was smacked in the face and on the @ss, played counselor while she was sobbing about the break-up (for some reason crying turns me on, which means we had a double portion of fun errrr sadness). Once I finally snuck out the house, no bs, I wake up only to find myself back in the same gatd@mn house. When I finally did leave out that morning she just said bye. I will not accept her friend request…or it could be vice versa, go figure
    3. The undefined/ignore – This is a tough way to go, however it is far tougher to carry out. Looking over your shoulder is a beast, especially in a big, small town. I will say this, I’ve had more success with this than any other method bc when a relationship is undefined then she doesn’t know when the hell you really broke it off. Hell for all she knew, she coulda thought she was the one that became tired of the relationship. The big problem arises tho when you see each other out and you are with someone and she isn’t (vice versa is no problem at all, in fact it might cause you to unignore her and text her 45 minutes after the impromptu meeting).

    • Lolita says:

      BUAH HAHAHAHA @ This debauchery of a posting! I don’t even know what to say… um Bravo? I think you shoulda wrote how to break up- you seem much better at it than I am. But most men are, ha!

  2. Tina says:

    (In protest) Hey! I stand by the fade-to-black move and refuse to accept it as cowardly. However, I only reserve it for those unofficial pairings/ friends with attraction that hasn’t led-to-anything-yet types. Basically, if we’ve never had a conversation about us officially beginning I don’t understand why you deserve a conversation about us officially ending. I officially refuse. To your credit, there was exactly one awkward moment after each application but darn it that’s inevitable right?

    • Lolita says:

      My general rule is if smacking bellies has occurred, an explanation at least 1 level above disappearing acts is generally applicable. Now. That’s not to say that I’ve never just vanished into thin air. But it does signify a huge lack of respect/complete dislike. There aren’t too many people that deserve that in my opinion, but that’s just my two cents. On the flip side, sometimes you give some one an explanation and they act a damn fool. It would have been better to fade to black. So yeah- either way it can backfire. Choose your poison- when the heart breaks it never breaks even lol.

      • Tina says:

        Dang. “Huge lack of respect/complete dislike.” Really?!? It must be true or that wouldn’t sting a little. :-P I think that’s true when a guy does it because they came at you in the first place 9 times out of 9.01. So after starting something, backing off like that is extra crappy. I’m trying to justify being right here, dagnabbit.

      • Lolita says:

        LOL- again, that’s just my opinion. Maybe I’m over sensitive?

  3. LynneJJ says:

    I recall trying every last one of these methods (or a version thereof) on ONE person. I’m not quite sure…but I don’t think any of it worked. :(

    • Lolita says:

      It always goes badly in my opinion. Breaking up with some one who doesn’t want to be broken up with never ends well. Each method sucks in it’s own way if you ask me.

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