let it burn…

Breaking up is hard to do- trust me. I do it all of the time. I remember the days of being dumped and frankly? They were easier. You see, when you are the dumpee-, you rarely see it coming. Yes, there is that pesky little thing called heartbreak that occurs as a result, but so what? It happens. You get over it. And it’s the perfect opportunity to play the victim. Meanwhile, being responsible for the heartbreak is a much bigger…well responsibility. In addition to the normal withdrawal symptoms everyone in a breakup experiences due to the denial of regular basis sexy times a broken emotional attachment, there are other ‘symptoms’ and ‘consequences’, so to speak, of being the one who pulls the plug.

Some of the benefits of being the unsuspecting sucker partner on the receiving end of ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ is The Lack Of…

• Pre-dump anxiety
• Post-dump guilt
• Mutual Friend backlash
• Slashed tires
• Destroyed suspensions on your 4×4
• Angry texts
• Harassing phone calls

The list above was completely random and has nothing to do with personal experience. That said- somebody’s gotta do the honors, right? At the end of the day, when something isn’t meant to be, it just isn’t. And so I say to my fellow Dumpers: Congratulations on being the one with the cajones to extricate yourself from happily never after. I salute my fellow warriors in shuttin ‘em down and letting it burn.  For those of you who have yet to join this elite club- fear not. There is still time. And no UBF posting would be complete without a comprehensive list of my tried and true methodology of relationship removal.

• The Breakup Dinner – This is, by far, the most ambitious and stupid risky method as it doesn’t come without potentially high profile pitfalls. If you are a female, you might get stuck with the bill. If you are a man that’s inevitable so this shouldn’t be a big deterrent. However, the dinner scene provides ample ammunition for yanked tablecloths, wine glasses strategically poured over heads, meals on laps, loud, attention grabbing sobbing…Do I need to continue? The upside is this: If you know that your dumpee is crazy, you have just supplied yourself with plenty of free, reliable witnesses and can make a relatively safe exit. This makes all the other stuff worth it.
• The Breakup House Call – I consider this a true soldier move. One has to respect walking straight into the Lion’s den and taking your licks like a man.  It’s bound to be ugly and uncomfortable. The major downside to this  other than the obvious is that if your soon to be former significant other is channeling the inner Chris Brown, there is no guarantee that you will leave the den unscathed or at all.However, provided you are able to exit the scene in one piece, you can pat yourself on the back for not being a coward and facing the situation head on.
• The Breakup Phone Call – For the lightweight coward. Perhaps you really do respect this person, but a face to face is just too much to ask. In this case, the phone call ensues. The only downside is wasting your anytime minutes on sniffles and stupid questions like “Why???”.  These calls tend to be multi-tiered and broken out into a phone call miniseries. Rarely does a true break up phone call occur in one sitting. Only the truly experienced efficient are able to manage a one hit wonder of break up calls under the best of circumstances. But in the end, you are able to hang up the phone and get back to your life.
• The Breakup Text – My personal favorite, and definitely not brave at all. It’s a great way of singing Cee-Lo’s X-rated version of “Forget You” without actually saying it to the recipient. Passive aggressive behavior at its absolute finest, the breakup text is borderline disrespectful. This is when you absolutely do not care how the person feels and really just want to be out. The breakup text should immediately be followed by prompt phone number blockage and deletion. This helps avoid the phone based harassment from the list above.
• The Ignore – Finally, the coward of all cowards. There are some of you out there who can’t even bring yourself to do a text. This goes out to you.  I call this particular brand of breakup the “He/She’ll figure it out”. Suddenly, you just stop responding to any and all contact. You delete them on face book. You send their calls straight to voicemail. You almost seem to disappear. Well, at least where they are concerned. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never done this. But from what I hear, this type of breakup usually results in slashed tires and keyed cars. You were warned.

What about you fellow UBF-ers? What are your ways of letting your boo know the party ain’t jumpin like it used to? Which Deuce sign are you flashing? How do you put the lights out on your future exes?

Take a bow and exit Stage Left…

-Lolita