death to cupid…

have you ever despised a person that died a “few” hundred years before your father got too tipsy to pull out…well i have…and his name is st. valentine…

first off, allow me to share a little bit of thick, dusty book extracted history…

st. valentine was the roman patron of extortion…in around 300 a.d. he would travel through his home village and apply chastity belts to the pelvises…pelvi…wait…i’ll look it up…i was right the first time…the pelvises of women who were either already married or randomly smashing some villager for goat steaks promised to be married…in order to get these chastity belts removed, the gentlemen would have to supply st. valentine with gifts and expensive trinkets…in return for these gifts, he would remove the iron love pouch covers and the men would once again be able to enjoy what they already once enjoyed…however, if no gift was received, the man was sentenced to not only forgo the deep sea dive but was also forced to listen to her complain about him not sending gifts for the next year…i know…cruel and unusual…

ok, so maybe i made that whole story up…tis what happens when you mix hate and imagination…but i figured with how valentine’s day eventually ended up, it must’ve  been birthed from something at least this silly…

don’t get me wrong, i like love as much as the next guy…assuming the next guy has a strong indifference towards it…but we’ve got to agree that the concept of buying someone gifts  to reprove the love you’ve presumably been proving the rest of the year has to rank fairly high on the scale of ridiculousness…

yet here we stand, perched on the edge of the upcoming valentine’s day weekend…but as i look around “death to cupid” island, it’s feeling pretty lonely…which is odd because there really should be some more folks toeing the sands of hate with me…will the following folks remove shoes and socks and step forward…

– any guy currently in a relationship…this gift swap is about to be more one-sided than the “water” exchange at the office urinal…guess which role you get to play this time…

–  another spot is being reserved for anyone planning to shell out $40 – $100 for any fragrant petaly gift that is guaranteed to not make it into march…although i might buy some too because that telaflora superbowl commercial was hella funny…

– any lady that has a valentine’s day date that starts after 9pm…or, even worse, the lady that wakes up next tuesday morning and realizes she’s been waiting patiently for that valentine’s day surprise that somehow  misplaced her address…do you remember that little conversation we had about starters and bench warmers…just know there’s no need for you to remove your warm-ups…

–  we will also be making room for those who will inevitably be bitten by activities listed in lolita’s latest post…in a tough economy, there must always be sacrifices…unfortunately this year’s valentine’s day card text will read “dear sacrifice, blah blah blah”…

– anybody that’s been trash dumping, tampon buying, meal cooking, house cleaning, sexy timing, foot rubbing, head scratching, transgression forgiving, step kid fathering, sweet waters of friendship and trust swimming…just to prove love for the other 364 days only to be castigated when your v day bouquet is short on flowers…

my point in all of this is, if the only day you know how your mate feels about you is 2/14, you really should be mateless…and if your mate is showing you love every other day of the year, why not take that rose money and spend it on call of duty black ops and 2 chicken finger meals…

but seriously(and by seriously, i mean not seriously), am i the only one that’ll be looking to snipe young cupid this weekend…just trying to figure out how many arrows i need to throw in the quiver…because that’s the thing you hold arrows in…yeah i’m amazed that i knew that too…

elrock…my heart told me to…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to death to cupid…

  1. Tina says:

    :) I love how sentimental this is, but in a fussy tugging ponytails kinda way: “if the only day you know how your mate feels about you is 2/14, you really should be mateless…and if your mate is showing you love every other day of the year, why not take that rose money and spend it on call of duty black ops and 2 chicken finger meals…” This is a great point. There are definitely couples out there who rather happily subscribe to the idea that as long as there’s lots of sexy time as you call it, the gift giving is handled.

    Personally I wish folks would agree to figure it out together: So much more romantic than stressing over gifts.

  2. Pingback: my (ideal) valentine… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  3. Soumynona says:

    LMAO! I heart Vday for no other reason (other than I’ma sap) than I get the chance to appreciate myself for how generous I’ve been. It’s also a great retort to a bench player trying to get in the game. “I’ve been here waiting to get in but you keep ignoring me!”

    “Hey, Hey! no talking with your mouth full, I bought you those nice knee pads for a reason.”

    Yep, I’m in need of a major intervention

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