know your position…

We at ubf have very few rules…but there is one that you should probably remember…the only thing better than a good analogy is a sports analogy…and given the two week hiatus the NFL has put us on, I’ve decided to bring you die hard sports fans looking to cancel your match.com profiles our latest sports analogy with regards to the ‘will you procreate with me’ world…

Now as with all team sports, you are either a starter or a bench player…not surprisingly my fellow brethren tend to think of the opposite sex in these terms as well…all women we consider making the meat to our sheets sandwich fall into one of these categories:

Starters

They get the majority of the playing time…they also receive a disproportionate amount of the coach’s wallet, interest and favor…and from time to time they mouth off to the powers that be with no real consequence because their presence on the team is invaluable and the coach knows he’d have to start from scratch without their talents…

Bench

They are scrappy and take advantage of any playing time they get…they have aspirations for breaking through to the starters but the limited skill set will keep them limited to a supporting role in times of need…their position on the team is never guaranteed as they are frequently subjected to the minor leagues at the whim of the coach…

For those turned off by the sports references, starters = good and bench = bad…let’s take the pending naked, old and short man in a diaper holiday coming up as an example, starters have valentine’s day plans (maybe even multiple given it falls on a weekday) whereas bench players are planning a relaxing night with their girls…

But there is actually a bit of good news here…it is called the Rudy Gay clause…for those unfamiliar, Rudy Gay is a NBA player that has effectively maneuvered the starters vs. bench paradigm…if he were to somehow be placed on any of the top 5 teams in the NBA, he would at best be their third option if not down to their sixth (aka bench)…but he lucked out and ended up on the Memphis Grizzlies whose existence is only known by the most avid NBA fans and bitter Vancouver basketball fans…which allowed a man with the most unfortunate name combination to net an $80 million dollar contract this past summer…what does that mean for you non-groupies out there not busy packing for all star weekend in two weeks? It means that no matter your skill level, there is a coach out there willing to overpay for your services…

And as with all ubf posts, I bring you a list…this time the bulleted goodness is intended to shed light on which category you may currently fall in:

+ bench players receive communication (aka texts) to make sure the coaches name is still saved in your razr every 3-6 months…starters have to increase their voice and data plan on their blackberry to receive all of the correspondence from the coach…

+ bench players feel the need to comment on their competition which is usually in a negative manner…starters don’t have competition because the coach has designed all the plays for them…

+ bench players dream of what they’ll do when given the opportunity to show their talents while they wait for the coach to give them just a little bit of playing time…starters let the coach know when they need a break and when they are ready to get back in the game…

+ bench players operate on 10 day contracts with extensions based on flawless efforts…starters have a guaranteed spot because they are the top option on the team…

+ bench players hope that his tweets/status updates are about them…starters know his tweets/status updates are about them because he included their name…

+ bench players trade phone calls for texts…starters exchange text responses for open doors, gifts and non-value meals meals…

+ bench players have the best seat in the house for the last shot…starters are fully responsible for the last shot going in…

With your category identified, you can now determine if your current position is unsatisfactory and you’d like to take your talents to Cleveland…no seriously any one can be a starter there…in both basketball and dating…

Now is the portion of our program where every one comments on what I missed or more importantly mishandled within one of these sports analogies…and remember commenting (unlike pelvic thrusts) is ok to be the first…

onetrik…the Rudy Gay of blog posts…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

6 Responses to know your position…

  1. YEPStars says:

    Loves it UBF. So.. what if said player isn’t playing well one night and commits a few fouls, does that mean no starting position next game, or benched for a half versus the whole game? hmmmm…

    • great question…a poor performance or two will not impact the starters position similar to how a few good performances will not upgrade a bench player to the starting lineup…it is like high school basketball, the coach evaluates the player following a brief tryout and they remain in that role while on that team…now if the starter decides to not live up to that evaluation through a dnp (did not play) then they may be asked to pack up their locker (aka drawer in his dresser)…but that would take an extended period of time because coaches don’t give up on top players that easily…

  2. mboogie says:

    *love* this post!!! But a few questions:

    1. what happens when a bench player, thinks they are a starter and tries to run in the game? Do they get cut?
    2. Can a bench player ever work hard enough to be a starter?
    3. Are their consequences if a coach has too deep of a bench?

    ok…lemme stop

    • appreciate the strong feelings on the post mboogs…and to answer your questions…

      1 – a bench player most likely thinks they are a starter or at least as good as a starter…however they have no say over when and where the games are played so there is no opportunity to run in the game…they operate on 10 day contracts at best so they don’t really ever get cut because their spot on the team isn’t guaranteed…
      2 – there are few rare cases of a bench player’s persistence leading to a larger role but they’d be more likely to get their own VH1 show…no matter if the bench player is on an active 10 day contract or on another coach’s team…the coach always feels (and is usually right) that he can call the bencher up and get her on the team with no more than an 100 character text…and that does not describe a starter…EVER….
      3 – given that the bench is not a physical object but instead a series of numbers stored in his iPhone….there is no such thing as too deep…now too many starters can be a problem because once a true starter feels like a 6th (wo)man she will take her talents elsewhere…something a bench player can not and will not do…

      Any other questions??

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