it’s blackout season…

ahh…holiday season is upon us…and i know this because the malls are packed, there are innocent trees strapped to the tops of cars and people are being way nicer to me than usual…it’s the most wonderful time of the year…roasting chestnuts and opening fires…but you might want to put a bookmark in that smile…because we are also in the middle of the infamous dating blackout season…

this is the period between green wednesday, the wednesday before thanksgiving (because that is the day you have to start prepping the greens) and the day after valentine’s day where many smart men and women decide to cut their losses and look forward to next dating season…if the boo hasn’t been landed by then, it’s time to trade down to a cuddle buddy and ride out this wintry mix of mattress massaging and mismanaged expectations…

of course this might seem a wee bit uncomfortable, but it is a small price to pay to avoid that dreaded newly boo’ed holiday gauntlet…which loosely goes as follows:

thanksgiving…meeting the family for the first time…having them evaluate your background and measure your cranium to determine if your seed is fit to be planted in the fertile valley of their daughter/sister/niece etc…having to knock the drunk aunt’s hand off your knee during dinner while using your lactose intolerance as an excuse to pass on some of the worst mac-n-cheese you’ve ever tasted…on your way to the bathroom you’re cornered by the crazy uncle who is convinced y’all did time together although neither of you have ever been to prison…you sneak him an extra slice of pound cake to buy his silence, settle in to drop an “inconvenient deuce” only to be interrupted by a polite voice on the other side of the bathroom door warning you that you’re now nestled on the only un-flushable toilet in the house…you emerge 27 minutes later with a guilty conscience and a story that is never to be retold only to find out your beloved cowboys lost…again…yes…f your l…

christmas…this is perhaps the toughest of the “quadrilogy”…it generally begins with you trying to determine that perfect gift for a person you’ve known for 98 days…on the one holiday where gift cards are expressly forbidden…now your sitting there staring at this $348.87 macy’s receipt just hoping that when the 25th rolls around, you receive fair value…you do not…and now it’s off to visit with your family who spends the entire afternoon comparing her to the newly ex’ed ex whom you’ve conveniently forgotten to mention…the ex that is now standing in the doorway bearing gifts for the family and a fat lump of awkward for you and new-boonopolis…she pauses for a second as she exits and a cnn-like news scroll appears below her that reads “she was the best thing that ever happened to you but you screwed it up…it’s all downhill from here buddy”…

new year’s eve…sitting in church (the regular kind…without the vip communion booths) with their family while your mind is out swimming the english channel of sins…your friends are texting you because they bumped into that chick from accounting that you’ve been secretly crushing on for 7 months…yeah, well she got dumped on christmas eve and is now, in her words, “trying to make this a night to remember”…even god hates you…

valentine’s day…christmas may be the toughest, but valentine’s day is by far the most reviled…at least during christmas, the gifts are exchanged…when feb 14 rolls around, it’s generally pretty one sided…but yet again, you set out to create that gift/dinner combo that will make her friends boil over with envy…and everything is going perfectly until she has one too many glasses of wine and is now too sleepy to give you that toe curling thank you…now  it’s just you, an evilly smirking cupid and the good lotion…

a week later she informs you that it’s not you…it’s her…your trial date is set for septemeber…

elrock…and this christmas will be…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

2 Responses to it’s blackout season…

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention it’s blackout season… « Us, Bottles, and Friends -- Topsy.com

  2. morningjoi says:

    Wow. So tragic.

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