pay to play…

I come from the school of thought that in the early stages of dating the financial backing for said experiences should be funded by the wallet closest to balls. Now you can argue how advances in bra technology and the invention of the nanny make this a somewhat antiquated view point, but I would rebuttal with the varying differences in the quality of women that side with me vs you as the final verdict on who is right.

With that agreed upon, there is a certain level of monetary resources needed to determine whether the woman you managed to convince the full phone number out of is indeed in the mrs. right running. By no means is this a campaign for ‘trick if you got’, it is actually more of a ‘how to’ on avoiding the ‘broke dude’ title she references in her facebook status later that night.

The following simple worksheet will help determine if you can afford a real date or should be relegated to endless text messaging from your couch. You may want to grab a pen and paper to jot down a few calculations.

Time of day…this decision could result in a raman noodles diet until next pay check so plan accordingly. Daytime activities tend to fall on the mc hammer side of the scale where as night time festivities will have you on the jay z end. To add an additional wrinkle, the particular day of the week can have direct impact on the amount of receipts you’ll have collected. Week days tend to bring 27% less expensive options as the weekend and the built in school night excuse adds another 8% in savings. Of course now that I’ve let this mancret (man + secret) out of the bag, the ladies will be on to you for suggesting Tuesday coffee date…my bad…

Driving…starting the coitous conquest with curb side service is a good strategy but the spike in gas prices will disproportionately penalize you if you happen to live outside of her area code. If your car rarely sees more than a ½ tank of gas then you may want to ask for her address prior to her number. Of course this doesn’t apply if you live in NYC or don’t have a car. Congrats on the former and my sincere apologies on the latter…

Parking…being a resident of the great city of Los Angeles, this category is near and dear to my heart. Unless you are going to work, home or Compton, you will incur parking fees of some sort. Disregard if your progressive city believes in free parking options, grab an extra $20 if it doesn’t…

Meal…this is the largest unknown of the date as you can’t determine what she’ll be in the mood for. General rule of thumb is that size has no bearing on her appetite. Don’t be fooled when the skinny girl says she doesn’t eat pork and in fact eats like she is pork. You can curtail some of this based on your restaurant choice but keep in mind that even Applebees has a $25 entrée option…

Drinks…so you were smart enough to have eaten a lunchable before meeting up to avoid the meal portion. Congrats.  You are now at the liberty of her liver’s efficiency. Assuming she doesn’t really trust you and limits it to two rounds, you are looking at a sub-$60 bill even if she goes top shelf. But watch out for her beer/wine/’yac goggles leading her right past round two onto five or six. Sorry to say that your bedding chances don’t necessarily correlate with her bac

Entertainment…since you are still reading this, it is safe to assume you don’t act in plays, shoot a ball or play an instrument extremely well. Substituting real entertainment for your lackage could add at least another 50% to your evenings overhead. Depending on how many dates you estimate it taking to locate your future reason for turning down random relations, you might want to invest in a discernible skill…

Now go find a picture of the woman you are considering and put it next to your estimated date cost. If the estimate is A) greater than what you have in your bank account or B) more than you’d like to part with for the person in the picture, then you just found some extra time on your hands for self reflection (don’t worry it is free).

onetrik…from the bank account preservation committee…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

One Response to pay to play…

  1. Bridge E Fresh says:

    haha!!! Interesting commentary… I’m just excited you’re giving advice on dating and courting seeing as though the 2 seem to be a dying breed as not that many women are requiring the investment you calculate above and yet the chances of getting her in the bed are easily twice the legal bac limit….no drinks involved……ah, but that’s for another blog, another time! :-)

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