baby bucket list…

Would you agree that the onset of miniature people incapable of fending for themselves attached to those people we know is happening at an alarming rate?

Now we could argue that we are at that age…or that married people can only go to applebees so many times before they get bored…or that the world’s future depends on procreation…no matter the reason there are still things that everyone needs to do before they step up to the dna slot machine with a partner, put in their coin and hope for the best…

I present to you the two times certified ubf list of things to do before turning in your ‘I don’t have kids’ pendant:

+ Travel via planes often…the combination of cost, limited free hands, stranger dirty looks and TSA probing will restrict all of your travel destinations to within an iPhone’s battery life of a road trip when the little booger monster is involved…

+ Be careless with your porn…right now it is cool to hide your go to site in a nested bookmark on that browser that doesn’t have an icon on the desktop or to stash a few dvds/mags in a shoe box amongst your real sneaker collection. But no hiding tactic is fail proof with ankle biters in the house. They will not only find it but conveniently take the contraband to your wife therefore committing porn-icide on your behalf…

+ Wear nice clothes…enjoy your time with the brooks brothers because that little walking reverse garbage disposal will make it impossible for you to ever wear your best gear. Unless you don’t mind baby yak stains on your wears. In that case proceed…

+ Visit all adult playgrounds…Once junior gets here, you are looking at around 15+ years of trading Vegas trips for Orlando and mickey ears (unless you hit the marriage lottery and your wife covers for you during the annual guys’ trip) so get to sin city as many times as your bank account and parole officer will allow now…

+ Spend time with your partner in every possible part of your house nude…once those crumb snatchers get here, you can kiss those buk-e-nekkid random romping days good bye. Your slayfests will be limited to your bedroom between the hours of ‘the kid is sleep’ and ‘I’m too tired’ which isn’t as big of a window as one would think…

+ Be spontaneous…Spontaneity is the archnemesis of parenthood. You might as well be prepared to be skipped over for that last minute invite to red lobster’s crab week…

+ Get all illegal stuff out of your system…Worst case scenario you spend a few days on a hard cot right now but add the kid filter and you are potentially sending your seed off to live with your uncle with only two friends…Jack D and Johnnie W…

+ Cuss loud and often…Spelling out ‘bad’ words all day will make your head hurt and it isn’t near as fun…

+ Motorboat…You don’t know how much you enjoy something until it is gone…

But given my lack of dependents (don’t tell the irs) what do I know. It would be great if the parents out there could fill us in on what we need to make happen before that first purchase of pampers…

onetrik…hoping practice doesn’t make perfect in this arena…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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