This just in: Men and Women’s expectations may not always align.

Actually they never align as I re-discovered in a conversation this past weekend with one of the homiettes.  In an attempt to put her business out there get everyone up to speed, she and an interested fellow (that happens to live in a different city) found themselves discussing logistics for a potential let’s see if you really look like those text pics meet-up visit in her city. Being the gracious (and naïve) host, she offered her humble lodgings as a resting place for him and his finest carry-on luggage. In the female mind (from what I’ve been made aware), the offer makes sense as how could you expect a visitor to spend his good Applebee’s money to stay in a hotel after flying across the country. However in the male mind, the offer alludes to the potential for some good ole fashioned buck-e-nekkid tussling.

Enter mismatch expectations and their friend, frustration (in this case sea color spheres).

Luckily our conversation was able to pre-empt any unexpected backed up pipes but it made me realize that I couldn’t possibly reach all of you ladies (I’ve tried) in time to prevent future instances. Hence going to the interwebs with a blog post.

For my single folks dipping your toe in the dating waters but not yet fornicating, I’m going to address the biggest area of confusion in expectations which is the question of when the cookies will be given up(the vaginal variety this time). In honor of Jay-Z’s book release yesterday, I’m going to decode what verbal (and more importantly non-verbal) cues you could be giving that inadvertently and mistakenly drive the local demand of latex.

+ Any reference to a need to stop in Vicky Secrets…while you are simply running through your to do list for the weekend after receiving that free panty coupon, my simple minded self just switched from watching my fantasy player celebrate in the end zone to thinking about my celebration after our fantasy in your end zone…and yeah we do dance a bit when you go get the rag…in front of the mirror and everything…

+ Touch of the leg higher than the shin…while you may be simply checking for the quality of denim I’m working  with, every muscle in my legs is configured as an alert system to the notify my below the belt brain of a pending transaction…

+ Hold it until you get home…regardless of how much liquid you consumed with your meal, when you ask to use my bathroom at the end of the night, I substituted bed for bath and inserted “and listen to some Teddy P.”…

+ Showing the top of your head…I know that shiny quarter on the ground caught your attention, but I’m not that observant and will assume you want to talk to the mic…

+ Text/Call me the initial night…you may not be ready to call it a night while your crew is already counting sheep, but I’m going to assume that the lady at Macy’s wasn’t just working for a commission and told the truth about Cool Water being irresistible…and hope you have high thread  count…

I may have left a few obvious ones off but the fellows of ubf will no doubt have my back. Ladies feel free to submit others that you have recently encountered as well.

onetrik…you say tomato I hear my place…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

6 Responses to decoded…

  1. Nestlie21 says:

    You say “I’m not interested in something serious” and a guy hears “You should try harder.” Actually that goes both ways.

  2. mboogie says:

    *applause* well done… Its tough dating world out there in the trenches…

  3. Pingback: Tweets that mention decoded… « Us, Bottles, and Friends --

  4. Lolita says:

    Thanks for this- i keep telling my female friends to stop inviting these internet dates to their city and then get mad when dude expects some sexy times. To me this is so obvious- he flew 3000 miles just for kicks and a kiss???? C’mon son…

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