beware of the singletons…

Summertime in New York is great for socializing, drinks rooftop bbqs and of course, new friendships. One of the greatest things about this city is that there are so many untapped reservoirs for us, bottles and friends. I pride myself on two core characteristics as a woman in new ‘we’ve decided not to hate each other even though we both might be considered attractive’ zonage.  The first being that I am extremely friendly- almost unnaturally so. The second is that I try not to be what I hatefully refer to as the “We We Chic”. I.e., that chic that every other word, sentence, phrase, breath or thought of speaking starts with “We” in order to let the world know that she isn’t one of those single girls.

Since “We” was just “Me” for a good portion of my life, I know how insensitive it can be to force my significant other on every girl I meet when maybe she’s just looking for a new female friend. Unfortunately, in my quest to be a good potential homette, I missed one of the cardinal rules of new female friendships: Be an adequate wingwoman. In a previous life, I was excellent at this. I would suck it up and chill with the less desirable friend of the dating target until my girl was ready to call it a night. But fast forward to these days…and that’s not really acceptable. When a guy even looks at me the wrong way, I’m saying “I have a man” faster than the micro machines guy. Unfortunately, when my new friend invited me out to the latest rooftop eatery in New York, she prefaced it by saying my initial choice wasn’t very singles friendly. “As two single women in New York, we need to put ourselves out there.” Gulp. I didn’t have the heart to tell her to speak for herself. So I cancelled the outing instead.

A wise man once told me, “Singles hang with Singles. Couples hang with Couples. Singles and Couples…that never ends well. But as time goes on, the Singles start to become extinct.” But is this really true? Will all the single people suddenly end up like the last domino? Are all friendships between singles and couples destined for failure? Let’s face it- these days people our age are single much more frequently than even 20 years ago. Should we really have single segregation, even in the year 2011? Having lived on both sides of the fence, spending much more time on the side with more traffic, I can see pros and cons to either scenario. So below are the UBF Yays and Nays for when it is or isn’t wise to leave the Singleton’s alone…

Yes – Having been the third wheel of many a homie and her unattractive man before, I can tell you that for some women, no matter how good a friend you may be or what type of non scandalous hoochie mama woman you aren’t, they will ALWAYS think somebody want’s their man. So it may be be better to chill with your equally single girls… save yourself some unnecessary drama.

No – On the flip side, my Single ladies. Assuming that said homette is normal and secure, the best way to meet Mr. Right may be through your homegirl’s man. Like the Lotto, hey, you never know.

Yes – Married people in particular have different curfews responsibilities due to the whole “Life Partner” thing. Between screaming kids, in-laws and ‘taking care of home’, these couples can be a major buzzkill. That’s a lot to sacrifice when you really don’t have to…

No – You can learn a lot from couples on what NOT to do. Take their mistakes as your unauthorized rule book and apply it to your next relationship. Save yourself a few notches on your belt or a divorce growing pains and learning experiences.

Yes – There is the feeling amongst couples, particularly from the fairer sex, that being single is going to “rub off” on them. Whether it’s their man hanging a little too tough with his on the prowl homies or their single girlfriends making a negative impression with their “unsettled ways”, it’s common knowledge that most women ensconced in relationshipville don’t want your single situations to infect them.

No – What kind of person defriends some one because they are perpetually single? That either makes you extremely insecure, lame, a bad friend or just avian like. And on the flip side, why would you only have friends that could hang out with you in a singles scene anyway? Choose your friends wisely and it won’t matter who they are or aren’t dating.

Needless to say, I’ll be rescheduling my new friend date. And I’ll do it without making her feel uncomfortable about my “We” while still respecting my own boundaries. Maybe couples and singles don’t always do the same things, but friends are friends. Being single is not a disease. And being in a relationship is not a badge of honor, either. You don’t have to be at the club to kick it with your single friends. Just because somebody jumps off a bridge doesn’t mean you have to join them…

forever straddling the fence…lolita


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

5 Responses to beware of the singletons…

  1. LynneJJ says:

    Ms. Lolita, there are occasions I am so moved by the truth of your words I feel like I’m sharing an amazing syrah at my favorite eatery with one of my most refreshing homegirls. But then other times you make expressions that I find a little scary. I don’t know what kinda of married/booed-up folks you get stuck with, but they sound WHACK! They’re making the rest of us look bad. You need to meet some normal couples soon. You know, the kind who know that although they are “one”, they are two individuals. The kind that have the sense to plan their nights out when the kids are at sleepovers. The kind of couples that are secure enough to take mini breaks from each other and hang with just THEIR friends (girlsnights/guysnights) AND the type of coupled up women who know how to be wingwoman to a friend who needs it. It may take some creativity on our part but it can happen. Til then, hang in there….or come to Cali! HAHAHAAAA

    • Lolita says:

      HAHAHA I must admit- I am not in that type of relationship either. Nor could I be. That’s waaaay too much paranoia/unhealthyness/badfriendedness for me. In my opinion, it’s rediculous BUT when I Was single, many a coupled up “friend” did seem to take this stance. At the time I wasn’t sure what it was. I just noticed a bit of “distance”. Now that I am part of the “club” I hear what they say about it and frankly find it offensive. I agree- total wackness. I think sometimes folks get so concerned about the “male shortage” that they think it’s ok to ditch their friends, act a fool or just become way too paranoid. I’m seeing more of this as I get older- perhaps because more clocks are ticking? That said- we need more of you in New York! Maybe the New York ladies could learn a thing or ten from the west side….

  2. Soumynona says:

    It is truly amazing how different men and women are. Guys almost always root for their guy friends to stay single as long as possible. It’s almost like watching a prize fight. The fellas (those who have lost the battle of bachelor-hood) are rooting for their boys to stay in the ring. We yell at them but we know it’s not our fight, hell if it was, we wouldn’t be on the sideline living vicariously through all that they do.

    I’ve been out with my boys or over to their cribs and vice versa. On occasion we are with/without significant others. Guys never really talk about their relationships and frankly if they do they are subject to macho bullying – which means we will laugh them to scorn. Not to say that guys have this all figured out (bc there are several reasons for silence) but we like the singletons and the partridge family

  3. Lolita says:

    Mr. Anonymous in reverse- I applaud the males in this category. This was a blog that I would have written when I was single if I had been writing for UBF back then because frankly? I was a paraiah amongst the chics I had known for YEARS when it came to any event that contained mostly “couples”. At first, I didn’t notice it. I would just think “Hmm, I wonder why no one invited me to that particular event/party/outing”. It was my mother that finally pointed it out. This paired with the side comments about me not “settling down”, the alleged confusion over my various dates (“Which one is this?” They would ask when I was telling a story…even though it would be the same dude I had been talking about for 6 months.) and the unabashed Judgement that a woman of my age was nowhere close to the big M word because I wasn’t even in a serious or (nonserious for that matter) relationship led me to finally start to see I was becoming that single outcast. One ‘friend’ that I had known for 13 years invited me to her wedding without a plus 1. When I asked if I could invite a plus one, only let him come to the ceremony AND pay additional for an extra plate even though he wasn’t eating, she uninvited me. Her reason? “I don’t want any surprise visitors at my wedding.” In other words- it’s probably not that serious Lolita, so stay your single ass in your seat alone. This is an extreme example of a bad friend (i.e. b*tch) but my point is…yeah there is a sector of woman that act REAL trifling once they finally get a man to sit with their ass for more than 5 minutes. Sad. But existing. While some women aren’t like this, enough are to warrant a blog IMO. I’m definitely not this woman- I have plenty of single girlfriends and I can still relate to the other side of the fence. It’s just not that serious. And people wonder why I have so many male friends lol…

  4. Soumynona says:

    dammit!! Wow, my cover is blown. So simple but so true, I’m mr anonymous (I thought it was so clever when I thought of it about 6years ago. Oh well (sigh)
    Women can be so *blah* at times. I have a home slice who has frenemies. I never knew this was even a word but apparently, she has like about 3 friends, most she’s known since like the womb, and they hate on each other all the time. But you know how a guy’s mind thinks…”Jello fight!” lmao

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