this call is brought to you by [insert liquor]…

So ubf fam it appears that Mr. Drizzy has used one of my favorite weekend past times as inspiration for a single called Marvin’s Room off of his upcoming album. For those not feeling inclined to click the link, Toronto’s finest provides an ode to drunk dialing.

As our fellow libation enthusiasts know, drunken dialing is an art form. You spend the night consuming your preferred choice of courage juice and then failing to realize that you’ve gone past the minimal threshold of confidence all the way into a-hole territory which is obvious to everyone but you. Your new address on a-hole lane makes it impossible to successfully convince anyone at your current venue to go home for a round of ‘so you think you can pelvic thrust’ so you go to your cell phone for additional contestants. Then our favorite microeconomics theory…supply vs demand…begins. The night plays out as you wait to see if the supply of hunch partners in your phone can outlast your failed drunken demands err requests for company in birthday suit attire…

If this process works out in our favor at a high enough percentage over a large enough sample size, we continue to resort to these tactics on semi-regular (read as weekly) basis. Over time we collect success and failure stories that seem to entertain others equally and today I’m here to share three of those with all of you before Drake rips them off in his remix…

+ The beauty of the drunk call is that the receiver’s overall perception of you as a person can outweigh the specific ignorant approach you are utilizing at this specific time. However, this falls apart when drunk calling someone you have yet to meet. On this particular occasion, I was e-introduced to a pretty young thang through a mutual friend. After exchanging a few witty (read as sober) emails, we exchanged digits to make the communication smoother and faster. Greetings and salutations were exchanged via text messages. All seemed to be progressing well.  Fast forward to that weekend at approximately Turntup:30 am. I make the decision that we should pick up the conversation through an actual live talking session (sidenote: I must have been intoxicated considering that is my least favorite form of communication). She being barely awake and many percentage points behind my blood alcohol levels engaged in this drunken dialing session. Needless to say, we are not married today…

+ Following a ‘you are a wonderful person but why don’t you go be wonderful somewhere else’ date, I told myself that I’d no longer be trying to decorate my bedroom floor with this particular female’s undergarments.  Well my inebriated self apparently didn’t get the memo and proceeded to sign us up for some of that decorating. Luckily she wasn’t convinced on this particular night to partake but unluckily drunk onetrik suggests getting together for a bite sometime as if he didn’t remember our original assessment of lack of entertainment value on the initial date. I then spent the next 4 weeks ignoring requests to split cheddar bay biscuits…

+ And last but not least we find your guy looking for debauchery in his contacts through whiskey colored bifocals. Following what I thought to be a pretty solid case for late night romping, I was made aware that no such thing would be going down. Not because my offer wasn’t appealing but instead because it had been extended to the wrong person that just so happened to be in the middle of her own romping with her boyfriend. Yeah my bad…

What about you? Have you found yourself on the either side of drunken anytime minute usage?

onetrik…I’m just saying I can do better…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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