eating your friend’s Barrys

It was wonderful to hear Onetrik’s “Ode to Eva” in regards to the completely unsurprising unfortunate demise of the union of Tony Parker and Eva Longoria.  There has been a lot of focus on the fact that he cheated, the sexting and of course, that infamous interweb called Facebook that pastors who previously engaged in ménage trios shamelessly warn their congregations about. And while I would love to wax prophetic on how this marriage began with the hour glass from Taboo may not have been one built to last, I actually have a more pressing question. Why aren’t more people raking that two faced lying cheating scandalicious biatch this Erin Barry character over the coals?

People cheat all the time. But now, in addition to having to keep tabs on your philandering significant other, you now have to make sure that all the time your home girl spends at your house isn’t a ruse to get closer to your man. Fellas- you are not immune. Apparently, vicariously living through your dirtbag friends just became hazardous to your relationship. Who knew that the tales of his many conquests now includes your wife? In my opinion, Tony cheating is not the biggest scandal here. He’s French after all. Didn’t they invent ménage trios? But shagging the wife of his teammate- that’s a new celebrity athlete cheating low.

However, Ladies and Gents, not unlike Single White Female or the Best Man, many of us have encountered the friend who was plotting on more than just how to split the bill at the end of the night. So in keeping with finding the silver lining of yet another celebrity divorce, I give you my tried, true and less obvious list of how to avoid your favorite couple of friends becoming the more scandalous halves of the Parkers & the Barrys.

1)      Don’t add third parties to your sexy times – I’m always a little suspicious of couples that don’t mind “sharing” in the bedroom. It’s kind of like when you agree to share your dinner with a group of girlfriends at a restaurant before ordering. It’s not like you tell everyone what they are allowed to order- so people just get whatever they want. Between the bill and actually sharing the meal, usually, someone ends up getting a raw deal. I imagine the same happens when you tell your partner it’s ok to add an additional flavor of salty H20 to your sexy times. It opens a door that is difficult to monitor.

2)      Don’t get drunk together – Nothing spells inappropriate conversation and wardrobe malfunctions quite like a night out drinking. Now add to that your boys and your girl’s mini dress with the double sided tape. Next thing you know, your boy’s abusing your girl’s Facebook albums like Agent Van Alden and Margaret’s picture on Boardwalk Empire.

3)      Skip the couples’ vacations –Much like situation number 2, that type of familiarality should be reserved for the people in the couple. Vacations abound in skin, alcohol and dirty thoughts. Why would you include your homie in that equation with your significant other?

4)      Keep the Frenemies away – This one is dedicated to my ladies. Nothing says typical female relationship like the Frenemy: That friend you love to hate. One day you love her, the next day she’s your biggest hater, but the following week she was there for you to cry on her shoulder…and the cycle continues. The problem with these types of faux friendships is that they are typically reliant on competition and one-upmanship. And what better way to prove to herself she’s the better catch than by spending a little time convincing the people closest to you, like your husband.

As a female I am bias- I expect every guy to have a Tony Parker as a friend, but Erin you really disappoint me. That said, we are onto you and your dirtbag accomplice in unsexy times. Whether it was merely sexting or facebooking- it really doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, she’s a traitor. That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it. Friend on Significant other DNA swapping is never acceptable: whether in actuality or just in theory. When it comes to mixing friendships with relationships, there is such a thing as being too close for comfort.

I’ll bring it back to our fellow readers. Now that you know my opinion, what do you think? Do you think she should have seen it coming? Does a woman always know, even when it’s with one of her friends?

I don’t think this is what ABC had in mind when promoting “Wife swap”…

~Lolita