bottle rats…

Now that elrock has introduced every one to the problem known as bottle service, there is a related serious epidemic sweeping across the country that the media isn’t covering. Some think it isn’t relevant to them but on the contrary it is impacting the very fibers of our society as you read this and more importantly, requires action on all of our parts.

What is this serious issue you ask?

The invasion of bottle rats in clubs across the country. Don’t be fooled by the name. This is a very sophisticated species.

Here is a quick description for those unfamiliar with the bottle rat (BR – origins thought to be Las Vegas, Los Angeles and Miami): She is generally found scantily dressed hovering next to VIP sections/velvet ropes with two empty hands, one dry throat and zero intentions of spending any money. At first, she appears to be another attractive club-goer looking to have a good time. However, this calculated creature has one focused objective: to drink you out of bottle and couch before moving on to the next unsuspecting victim. Through extreme training of many nights with this activity, she is enabled with an acute skill of consuming 3x the alcohol consumption of an average adult male from Wisconsin. Her only known weaknesses are cold weather, cities without sport teams and bills.

Why does this matter?

This is an issue for all my brothers and sisters of the nightlife.

We’ll start with the obvious case for the fellas. Unless you are celebrating that nearly $120 million dollar contract (*cough* Joe Johnson *cough*), then the phrase “it ain’t trickin if you got it” is not how you tend live your nightlife filled with bottles. Even if you are frequent couch stander, seeing your libations being siphoned off by a random BR can be alarming and good-time killing. Especially when you see this thirst mongrel proceed on to the next oasis set of tables when she believes your well to be dry.

While that is by unfortunate scenario for my guys, the situation is actually worse off for you ladies. For my true folgers women (the ones that are good to the last drop of alcohol and hopefully beyond) out there, the BR is conditioning us to be similar to Simon Cowell when judging who gains access to the couch calisthenics. Some gentleman are requiring two forms of ID and proof of insurance which can prove difficult to produce when you are using your bra as a purse. You know who you are.

Not interested in joining us behind the velvet rope? You are still in the same boat. The BR’s impact has actually trickled all the way out to the regular bar. How many of you have recently heard a guy complain about buying girls drinks at the bar? I’ll wait while you put your hand down. It is because of the BR (or that they are cheap but you didn’t want him anyway…I digress).

How can you help eradicate this epidemic?

+ If you see a BR, point her out and/or take a quick photo for uploading to

+ If you know a BR, don’t invite her anyway. In many cases, she is without gas money (or the car to begin with) so our combined efforts will keep her confined to her momma’s house.

+ If you are a BR, punch yourself in the larynx.

Otherwise, be careful UBF as this isn’t a game. Feel free to share your own bottle rat stories so we can all take notes, learn and adapt.

onetrik…mr. president of a bottle-rat-free tomorrow…

About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

5 Responses to bottle rats…

  1. Niki B. says:

    i think you may have spent too much time in LA. LA is overrun with BRs, male and female. it’s unfair to throw in Vegas and Miami bcuz those are mostly tourist destinations and the BRs are probably from LA anyway

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