dear eva…

With things continuing into this week in the he said she said media storm around Eva Longoria and Tony Parker’s pending divorce, I’m here to provide my take on the situation. Instead of the typical ‘she should have known what she was getting into’ or the ‘she’s a gold digger anyway’ angles, I’m here with an open letter to Eva (or any other celebrity that has found themselves in an open relationship unbeknownst to themselves thanks to their celebrity husband’s galivanting) with a unique solution. Feel free to pass this on to her as she may not be on the ubf distribution yet.

Dear Eva,

For starters, no matter what you may be hearing this is not your fault. Unfortunately for you (and many of your peers), you mistakenly and albeit beautifully prescribe to a common societal misnomer: being at the top of every man’s ‘tug show material’ list protects you from infidelity. I know it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever but there is actually some illogical logic for why your stalking worthy attractiveness never stood a chance.

We’ll look past the fact that you selected a Frenchmen (but seriously outside of French Fries, Grey Goose and Crepes, has France given us anything worth a damn?) and get to the real issue. As you are undoubtedly aware, Mr. Longoria-Parker just signed a 4 yr $50 million extension this month. Extension! As in, in addition to the Scrooge McDuck money he was already sitting on. While you make great paper on the streets of Wysteria Lane, it isn’t quite on that level and there in lies the problem. Many a comedian has joked about men being as loyal as their options or being able to only run so fast when women are throwing the proverbial goodie good their way. Well those aren’t jokes. They are facts. No matter what TP (as in Toilet Paper) did or didn’t do, his bank account alone makes him guilty. No number of top 100 sexiest women finishes can solidify your space with a man like that because let’s face it…you are expendable. There are 99 other women on that list with thousands in the honorable mention and he can afford the next (and younger) model with all your benefits each year that it comes out.

So we can spend our short time together discussing the unfairness associated with these facts OR we could talk about the solution. Being the smart woman you are I’m guessing you want the solution. The answer to your problem is me.

Ok stop laughing for a minute and let me explain.

It isn’t necessarily me individually as there is only one of me to go around (although I’m waiting on that cloning thing to be approved). It is more the idea of me (unless you want to give your guy a chance then you can have the idea, the physical presence and the drinking problem). Instead of entering marital bliss with a man encouraged to step out by the media, groupies, teammates and twitter (don’t ask and just go with it), you should get hitched with someone on my level. Outside of my mediocre looks and weekend warrior physique, there are a few reasons to consider getting your own onetrik.

1)      Given my limited to nary exposure in the media/mainstream culture, outside of my mother no one knows who I am which means I will instantly be labeled as Eva’s man aka your property. There will be numerous perks to this new title (such as free meals at Beso which I plan on abusing) such that I can’t imagine a life without you. No sexting is worth losing (that all you can eat access) my position as your arm candy.

2)      Our blessed union will not only benefit me, but my homies will also receive the best homeboy hookup known to mankind thanks to being Eva’s man’s friends. As you know, all bad decisions are either spawned from or co-signed by the homies. With their new found access to a life they neither deserve nor could reproduce on their own, you’ve conveniently set up your own ‘don’t mess this up for us’ all star team.

3)      While my previously mentioned slightly above average looks do wonders for me at the occasional First Fridays, it only happens once a month which leaves me working and playing Xbox the remainder of those days.  Guess where groupies and jezebels aren’t…My job or Xbox Live. I checked. Twice.

4)      Reunions…you name it…high school, college, family, RHOA…I’m going to all of them. That is if your schedule permits. We’ll remain happily married for the simple fact that I can never show up to a reunion of any sorts as the guy who messed it up with Eva. So you might want to take a look at those yearbooks I overnighted to your place, you are going to be seeing a lot of those people over the next 50 yrs or so.

5)      Nick Cannon. I know this concept is hard to believe without a case study to look at. Well look no further than Mr. Mariah Carey. You have to obviously be in love with your wife to try and start a beef with Eminem. Did you see him knock out Vinnie Chase on Entourage? And he’s from Detroit. You know why Nick-elodeon is so bout it bout it? He isn’t anywhere close to her level. His income is a rounding error on her trip to the spa. Now how much of a better job do you think I’ll do than him given the larger gap in our earning potential?

So there you have it. If you have any questions, feel free to save them for our date later this week. I’m available most of the week with the exception of Wednesday (I can’t miss Modern Family).

onetrik longoria…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

14 Responses to dear eva…

  1. Marcie says:

    Onetrik…this post is quite timely…as my mother always says: many a truth is said in jest.

    If you happened (though unlikely) to see the theme of my tweets yesterday, then you would know I was polling (if you can call Twitter a scientific research based methodology tool) this very concept (among a few others)

    Anyhow, thanks for the comedic insight!

    • I unfortunately missed your tweets yesterday given an unsuccessful (or successful depending on your perspective) fight with bottomless mimosas…but if you ended at the same conclusion of me becoming the next Mr. Longoria then I support it…we should probably come up with some type of viral campaign now…

  2. The D.E.F.I. says:

    ” Guess where groupies and jezebels aren’t…My job or Xbox Live. I checked. Twice.”

    Fantastic. And you’re welcome for the picture (that I stole from the web lol).

  3. Pingback: Tweets that mention dear eva… « Us, Bottles, and Friends -- Topsy.com

  4. LynneJJ says:

    ps – JC Chasez isn’t looking so bad now is he?

  5. Tina says:

    Hmmm… If there’s a flip side to the coin of tics (tail immersion cheating syndrome) it’s emis (emasculated male infidelity syndrome). How does that factor into the Onetrik product specifications?

  6. Pingback: eating your friend’s Barrys « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  7. Soumynona says:

    (Onetrik)
    I dig the letter to Eva and the concept is cool. I prob would write something similar to (any of the chicks on the latina genre at Livejasmindotcom) but all seriousness aside, I think if I were the one that messed it up with “said super sexy superstar”, I’d get extra props from my reunion homies from Hschool and college @WishiwASaHero U. It might even land me the one girl who got away…with all my dang lunch money – I bought her lunch my entire senior year.

    • you are absolutely right there is a chance it could work out in your favor at that reunion BUT are you will to risk that super sexy superstar to only find out the one that got away also lost her six pack and waistline to a six pack of children…I’m standing on 20…no guarantee I’m hitting 21…

  8. Pingback: ubf and 2010 walk into a bar… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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